Posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 17:06:08
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » ElaineM, posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 15:08:49
>>>>>I do beleive it helped them be able to tell others in the end. Could you write it down?
Maybe one day. It's hard to think of now.
>>>>>Most of my stuff i write to my T,then we talk about it, cuz i just freeze up when I try and talk about myself...
I used to do that. I'm usually pretty good at mentioning stuff to T now. I used to freeze too. I don't think this will be something I can share with him.
I went to T on Monday, but in a robotic way and without my head. I sat shaking and silent almost the whole time. He tried to push for a bit but I couldn't open my mouth. i started crying a little. he got teary and asked if it was anything he'd done. and i lost it. i told him over and over. "this isn't about you. It's not" And then the final time he asked if he should do something different, the tears just burst through and I said. "Stop asking that! I *said* it has nothing to do with you. it doesn't. there's nothing you or anyone can say to fix this." And i cried a bit more into a wad of kleenex. I was so hostile. he kept wiping his eyes. But just stared at me and didn't say anything else. So I kinda just zoned out to a crack in the ceiling tile. I was facing away from the clock and my watch was all the way up my sleeve and by the time he said to go, we had been sitting there for two hours.
Before I left he asked if he could hold me. I said No, that i could give him a small hug instead. And did. But he told me my hair smelled like vanilla, and I just about threw up. Felt so f*ing sick. Walked out :"( He could've done anything but. but it's not his fault he couldn't understand my silence. it's only mine :"( [I've only returned one of his emails since, cause he wanted to know I was around still] But I don't even care about him right now.
>>>>>My T has said that just saying stuff to a person takes some of the power out of it?
I've told one person. The only other who knows some isn't wanting more to do with me right now (involved with it).
I've never cared about telling T's stuff before, but this feels different. Maybe he's just too different now, after everything else. But it's really not him that's the problem. Right now, it's me.>>>>>I guess you could meet w/someone in chat at a specific time, mebbe in room 2, and post in room 1, that you would like privacy....
Or you could b-mail a trusted person...I'll think about that. Maybe. It's hard. I'm having so many urges right now :(
Thank you Muffled. You are always generous with all your replies. I always hope you're well too.
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:711037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/711237.html