Posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 21:24:58
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » ElaineM, posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 21:02:36
> Person who knows isn't talking to me right now. Angry still.
**this was the person who knows or the person you told?The person was/is kinda involved in the whole thing. We had a confrontation of sorts, on the weekend. They haven't answered any of my emails since, and I know they check everyday. They were so angry and frustrated.
I went to T today cause I needed to do something, and I was afraid I'd never go back now. We got into a huge fight. I've never got vocally angry with him before but I couldn't believe him. He was frustrated that I wouldn't tell him what's going on, though he said he knows it's a big deal. I told him I'll talk to him about anything but this one thing which I'm not not not sharing with him. He said my entire person has changed in two meetings, and that in a relationship both people have to take care of the other person. I need to update him on everything. I need to not depend on him to pull more weight than me. He said I've stopped carrying my part of the responsibility for the conversation. Said he wants me to offer him reassurance that I'll be over this "thing" and back to normal soon, that I can appreciate that this is awkward and uncomfortable for him, that it hurts him when I won't share something that's affected me, and that I have caring feelings for him anyways. I can't say that :-(
I f*ing freaked out. I started angry-crying saying, "How dare you ask for me to comfort you! I have no answers, no kiddie gloves and especially no guarantees for MYSELF right now. NO advice for MYSELF nevermind YOU. I don't care how you feel right now." (something like that) And then I just started bawling. He truly truly doesn't get it :"( He even said again it's not fair for me to expect him to guide/control/provide structure for the sessions. I said, "YOU are the therapist - YOU are supposed to be the expert, not me. It's not like i'm your first client!" [god i was such a b*tch. i can't believe it :( ] He asked why my e-replys aren't the same anymore. Said they have been sparce lately, as though I don't care about him writing me. I told him that I know I missed some emails but I had nothing new to say, and have been in h*ll lately and not wanting to do anything. I told him it shouldn't be big deal that i miss some - said that replying has been the last thing on my mind. He said it wasn't that I missed some but more so the blandness of them. I DON'T CARE! :"( Worse things to worry about.
He told me (again) that sometimes alcohol or drugs can help people open up to talk more. Said he wants me to share even more with him, and be closer. he's never said the alcohol stuff so pointed before. i asked, on purpose, "So you think I should come to sessions drunk?" And he said, "Or we could do it here." I just sat there pinching my arm with my nails. he knows everything about my family's history, my brothers addictions, me being anorexic, the way I've related to alcohol in the past, and he still flat-out suggests it. Saying it would be helpful????!!!! :"( if he only knew.
And that was it. My heart left the room. He kept saying that it will help you deal with everything (even my body) if I tell him about this one thing. This one solitary thing that I want seperate from him! He knows every other horrible piece of sh*t about me. He said, "Sorry if I seem to sound voyeuristic. I'm not. I just think it will make all the difference." I don't think that he wants it for me - especially when I've been saying for him to leave it alone and give me a little f*cking time. It's still new. It's all f*cking new and I can't even think yet. I don't want to think or feel yet. Back off. I think he wants it said cause it will "help" him. He wants my secret because it is all I've ever been willing to offer him. He said something similar - said you've never had a problem telling me stuff before, this makes me feel like you've turned your back on me and the world, and it makes me sad and uncomfortable. pushed again to "get rid of all these confines and limitations" and move our sessions out of the office, then he won't have to feel bad when "the sessions fail".
He's making this worse with all his ME talk. With his insensitive comments. So cruel. He doens't even know! :"( Doesn't know, and he wants me to baby him!!! He's no help to me now. He is weaker, and more self-centered than me. I will not worry about him hurting now because I HURT. I don't care about him. :"( This is so f*cked up. The last thing I need right now. Everything has fallen apart. Right before Christmas. newyears :'(
I've never seen how absent he's been until today. He doesn't care about me, he cares about me not leaving him. Today was the worst. I can't believe I got angry :"( I never ever get angry. I hate it! I cancelled next two appointments. I need a break. He's not a help. Not this. not much:( I'm gonna be scared on my own. I'll deal with the loneliness and silence and waiting, and I'll take the remembering and f*cking shaking that I can't stop. My stupid legs won't stop - i'm nervous 24/7. I may as well endure all this alone cause right now, being with him is the same thing.
:""( I can't deal with him on top of everything else now. It's way too much. I can't do it :""(i'm sorry for ranting all over this reply. I'm just at a collapse point. And I needed something or someone. And he can't even be a neutral supporter. i shouldn't even have gone today at all:( But I don't know how to deal with this alone.
((((muff)))) you take care too.
poster:ElaineM
thread:711037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/711724.html