![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 0:41:42
Does anyone have parts come out all during therapy- what is it like for you?
Yesterday was so upsetting. i was able to be there and notice when parts were out and even repond to defend another part. It's so weird, i feel so upset and T didn't help get back together
Last week T said that the stuffed animals were real- that they cared about me. i felt like in a way it was supportive to hold them when i'm little during therapy- that somehow the stuffed dog could be a real comfort when things are so hard.
Talking about what's going on now is way too hard for me. There's so much wrong everywhere- the illness with severe constant pain, the nerve block coming up that's hard to do, worrying about the source of pain, T talking about past/body memories, difficult because i notice the separations between the work part and the church part- at church on Sunday the girl that works at the same place talked to me---- so many hard things are happening to me.Then i was little and remember picking up the stuffed dog and my little six year old part was holding him and felt better. T said "T___(dog's name) can help a little but he can't really do anything to comfort you or help what's wrong IRL" T said something like that and then a part came and was angry with T and said, "Can't you let her have a few minutes of peace? Why do you have to tell her that he can't REALLY help you?!" The voice was mad at T , defending 6-yr-old C.A.
i never remember ever having two parts there at once and defending another part like that before,
i think we're getting worse- more separate. It wasn't me that was the part that defended so it was three parts there at the same time.i'm so worried, we're in so much trouble.
please, any one else been there, can identify?
Thanks for reading,
kerria
Posted by rs on July 14, 2005, at 6:02:35
In reply to Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 0:41:42
Hi Kerria.
First I apologize because do not post here but just read this and uderstand.
Also DID with different parts. Yes in T in the past different parts have been out when it seems one is jealous of the other or a part just thinks T is being wrong with what is being said.
Very confusing. I feel like on a cloud and just cannot grasp it. Hard to explain.
Please do not think your crazy I think this is part of the process. Not sure.
Hang in there and let parts talk and help them trust T. Working on that right now.
Again hope it was ok that I just jumped in here.
Posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 7:50:11
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy » kerria, posted by rs on July 14, 2005, at 6:02:35
Thank you, rs, please come again if you can. i know that it's so hard to post sometimes, to deal with parts writing later on. Or all the problems that come from being misunderstood by others online and IRL.
It's so painful to be alone - i'm so afraid of where i'm going in all of this. T can't help very much either sometimes. It's really hard.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by Jen Star on July 14, 2005, at 9:15:53
In reply to Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 0:41:42
hi Kerria,
I'm at a loss to help b/c this is something I don't understand at all, since I don't have it, but I wish I could help!Would it be useful to start calling yourself "I" instead of "we" and trying to integrate the selves into one coherent person? I know it won't be as easy as doing a name change, but maybe identifying yourself as ONE would help you start thinking that way? I apologize if I'm way off or if I don't get it.
Could you pick one personality that suits you best and call that one "I" and start forcing the others to take more of a backseat role, kind of like spectators or advisors, but never the "real deal" personality?
Again, I don't know if that's possible or even sensible. I don't know much about DID.
I hope things get better. I hope you can trust your T!
I'm sorry if I missed it - can you say again what is your therapy goal? Do you feel your T is helping you get there so far?
take care!
JenStar
Posted by cricket on July 14, 2005, at 12:42:23
In reply to Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 0:41:42
Yes, Kerria I know exactly what you are talking about.
For the past year, it has been really bad for me. I'd have these internal fights going on while I was in therapy and I'd be switching like crazy and one part would slip out and say something and that would upset another part so that part would start crying and then another part would get angry. My therapist knew that I was switching and that there were all these conflicts but he didn't know who or what or why. So he was getting frustrated because he couldn't help and I would get more and more scared and hate some of the parts even more because I was certain that they were going to make me lose my therapist.
Then a couple of months ago, we decided to try to give each part a session just to use as they wanted. It was difficult and other parts still shouted and sometimes interrupted but not so much, maybe because they knew that they would have a session of their own too. And it had some difficult moments that I had to work through with them on my own.
But somehow then something changed. I was calmer and it was easier for them to talk. Even my therapist confirmed last session that since we've been letting them have their time I am a different person. Playful, curious, "like a young girl" he said - not sure what that means.
But the problem is now I feel more lonely and alone than I ever have. I watch other people (particularly women my age) and feel completely alien as if I've just been dropped from another planet.
Posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 13:18:55
In reply to Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 0:41:42
My guess would be that there is an element of safety in therapy that allows more than one part to be out at a time. They are competing for your therapist's attention as well as protecting some of you from the direct attention. It is hard to have the battle raging that only you can hear. And feeling fragmented is a horrible feeling.
I don't have DID, just some frozen age state separation and that is confusing enough. I'm still floored when I hear myself say things like a 6 year old. But I like cricket's suggestion of bargaining for therapy time with your parts. When I was really struggling, Dinah suggested this for me and it works pretty well. If I haven't let one part of me talk for awhile, my therapist will now sort of bring it up, wondering where that part went.
Hang in there. I hope you find some peace soon.
Posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 16:51:55
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 13:18:55
Hi Jen Star, Cricket and Daisym,
Everyone hears the battles because they're on the outside. i don't know what would be the best part to choose- i have to live them all in order to go to work and know what to do there or talk to anyone at home or anywhere else. i pick the part to be there when i am there. i know the feeling of being alone and so terribly lonely . No one will take my side even me- even my T is so critical of me. If anyone says a negative word T agrees against me. i wish that i had a T i could trust.
T says i'm so separated because
1. i'm doing things that are wrong now.
2. i'm afraid of facing things in the pastNot a very good prognosis. Who'd want to make it anyways- struggl;e all your life to have everyone hate you and be critical.
having a hard time
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 14, 2005, at 19:15:34
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 14, 2005, at 16:51:55
> Hi Jen Star, Cricket and Daisym,
>
> Everyone hears the battles because they're on the outside. i don't know what would be the best part to choose- i have to live them all in order to go to work and know what to do there or talk to anyone at home or anywhere else. i pick the part to be there when i am there. i know the feeling of being alone and so terribly lonely . No one will take my side even me- even my T is so critical of me. If anyone says a negative word T agrees against me. i wish that i had a T i could trust.Kerria,
I do know what you mean. Sometimes I don't trust my T either, and most of the time I feel like my T doesn't like me very much either. But for right now I am trusting that for whatever reason (sense of ethics, to build up good karma) he wants to help me.
I feel like I need all my parts too in order to function and sometimes if I don't go to therapy with a definite plan of who's going to speak one will just come out.> T says i'm so separated because
> 1. i'm doing things that are wrong now.
> 2. i'm afraid of facing things in the past
>
1) I don't understand. What are you doing wrong now?
2) Aren't we all? That doesn't sound very sensitive of him to say that.> Not a very good prognosis. Who'd want to make it anyways- struggl;e all your life to have everyone hate you and be critical.
>
Yeah, that's what I wonder far too often.
> having a hard time
> kerria
>
I'm so sorry about that. I am a little better than I've been in the past. Talk to us if we can help.
Posted by kerria on July 15, 2005, at 1:14:45
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy » kerria, posted by cricket on July 14, 2005, at 19:15:34
(((((((Cricket))))))))safe hugs. Thank you for understanding and writing.
T said that there were two reasons why i'm so separated - either that i'm doing something that i shouldn't be doing (i wanted to hide it from my self) or because of not wanting to remember things from the past- if i start dissolving the different parts them it would leak through. T's trying to get me to talk about past stuff .
It felt so icky that T accuses me of doing something wrong . Your right, no one is perfect- but it's free game to tear me apart even more by saying that. T is not supportive or caring and i hate when he reminds me by saying things like that. It hurts a lot. i spent so much time crying and losing time after the session yesterday afternoon. i struggled to leave work early at 2:30 - i had a difficult day working face to face with the person from church- it reminded me of my separateness, it was so difficult for me all day.
The i rushed like crazy to come home and change to speed to therapy in the heat, my car overheating and i had to put water in it.All to feel like this, lonely and attacked. Why is T so negative? i need to trust T but how can i when he speaks so negatively about me.
i'm doing the best- really better than i can do and he always insinuates that i'm not. That i deserve all the bad things that happen to me because of things i do.There's nothing like having people hate you for doing things that you can't help doing. T wouldn't say he hates me but he may as well- he acts so uncaring and unsupportive and negative. It makes me want to do worse- to just give up trying anymore.
There's no reward in the way T wants me to go. Eliminate the seperateness , work together with parts- it's impossible - so uncomfortable and sad not to be seperate parts. T doesn't care if i feel s. He always reminds me that i can't go to his hospital (where he works). T will actually say things like that just to hurt me.
It's horrible.It's so hard to find another T though because of a lot of reasons but mostly because i'm so separated. It's so hard to take when people write how nice their T is.
i don't think that i can go to t. anymore. It makes me feel too s. i wrote to T and told him that i need to find more support before i go back again. It's too impossibly hard and dangerous for me to go. Then my family is so angry with me because i'm "so self-absorbed and _____fill in the blank , any negative thing will do) "
Thank you for listening.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 15, 2005, at 11:42:25
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 15, 2005, at 1:14:45
> T said that there were two reasons why i'm so separated - either that i'm doing something that i shouldn't be doing (i wanted to hide it from my self) or because of not wanting to remember things from the past- if i start dissolving the different parts them it would leak through. T's trying to get me to talk about past stuff .
>
Kerria, It's hard for me to comment objectively because I don't have enough of the knowledge and background (although many others here do and perhaps they can jump in) to say whether what your therapist is doing is common practice or thought with clients like us. I can only say what my therapist does and how it does or doesn't work for me.My therapist says that I am separated for very good reason. It was the only way I could survive and furthermore there is nothing so horrible about it. He never says that I am separated because I did something wrong. That seems very strange to me.
I also have never gotten to my past in therapy, although my therapist knows the general situation. He really doesn't know any details. Just tiny bits and pieces. That's really all I know too. We quite literally have not discussed my childhood in years.
The one great thing about my therapist is that he always says that I am in complete control. I discuss what I want and don't have to go near anything I don't want to talk about. For someone whose life has been one of coercion that's really important.
> It felt so icky that T accuses me of doing something wrong . Your right, no one is perfect- but it's free game to tear me apart even more by saying that. T is not supportive or caring and i hate when he reminds me by saying things like that. It hurts a lot. i spent so much time crying and losing time after the session yesterday afternoon. i struggled to leave work early at 2:30 - i had a difficult day working face to face with the person from church- it reminded me of my separateness, it was so difficult for me all day.
> The i rushed like crazy to come home and change to speed to therapy in the heat, my car overheating and i had to put water in it.
>
I often feel like my therapist is not caring either. But I am beginning to own up to the fact that a lot of that may be projection on my part. If I don't care about myself (and I certainly don't) it's hard to imagine that anyone else could possibly care. If our therapists are the only people in the whole world who knows us even in a limited way, it is so hard to be objective about them.> All to feel like this, lonely and attacked. Why is T so negative? i need to trust T but how can i when he speaks so negatively about me.
I wish that weren't so.
> i'm doing the best- really better than i can do and he always insinuates that i'm not. That i deserve all the bad things that happen to me because of things i do.
>
I can tell from your posts that you are doing the best that you can. I felt like my therapist was berating me in this way a while back too. I told him directly "Don't be hard on me. It doesn't work." I had an old post out there about this. Perhaps you can find it.
Maybe you can say something similar to your T.
> There's nothing like having people hate you for doing things that you can't help doing. T wouldn't say he hates me but he may as well- he acts so uncaring and unsupportive and negative. It makes me want to do worse- to just give up trying anymore.
> There's no reward in the way T wants me to go. Eliminate the seperateness , work together with parts- it's impossible - so uncomfortable and sad not to be seperate parts. T doesn't care if i feel s. He always reminds me that i can't go to his hospital (where he works). T will actually say things like that just to hurt me.
> It's horrible.
>
> It's so hard to find another T though because of a lot of reasons but mostly because i'm so separated. It's so hard to take when people write how nice their T is.
> i don't think that i can go to t. anymore. It makes me feel too s. i wrote to T and told him that i need to find more support before i go back again. It's too impossibly hard and dangerous for me to go. Then my family is so angry with me because i'm "so self-absorbed and _____fill in the blank , any negative thing will do) "
> Thank you for listening.
> Take care,
> kerria
It's so hard to tell whether your therapist is right for you or not. How long have you been with him? I know that even after three years I still go back and forth on this same issue. Sometimes when there are so many parts listening in with their own opinions and ideas it's so hard for us to hear anything objectively.Kerria, I'm always here to listen.
Posted by kerria on July 15, 2005, at 13:29:54
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by cricket on July 15, 2005, at 11:42:25
Hi Cricket,
i've been with T for five years, ever since i found out that i had DID after becoming upset in classes after going back to school.
My T works at a hospital all day with patients that have DD . i think that he always sees things from the point of view that the hospital sees it. They are so many rules to protect the rights of therapists and staff that the patient is like the 'enemy' there. It's a horrible place. i don't agree with the model they use there . It's only good for persons that don't have serious problems communicating internally. It's based upon communication and i'm not there yet. When i was in that hospital i had an old school dr who put me in seclusion for the greater part of 30 days. It was torture because my parts had nothing to ground to, no one to be. i was a 'bad' patient from the hospital's view. They did a good job. My T still agrees. i hate that about T.My T never will chose my needs over the way he knows. i'm stuck with it because it's financially too hard to find a therapist who will bill my insurance- which pays 70 %.
It's too hard to pay upfront because my h is not supportive.i wish my T would throw away the stuff that he is doing and help me. It's really a life or death struggle i'm in and he knows it and i think he thinks that i'm not going to make it.
Often i feel suicidal after seeing him . Once i asked how many patients haven't made it and he became so defensive. i need to stop seeing him but i need to find another T . Ts don't want to wait for insurances but i can't work enough to make a steady and large enough income. disability has been denying me for five years. A hearing is coming up . i need disability.
i wish T would change the way he is- it's horribly abusive by any standards. it causes so much psych trauma and doesn't help at all. A T can say hard things if he's been caring but T says them all the time without ever being caring or supportive. i wrote to tell T i can't come until i can feel support from somewhere first and he ignored me.
Everything is so hard. i wish there were some way to get help.
thanks for being there, Cricket.
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 15, 2005, at 15:34:45
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 15, 2005, at 13:29:54
> Hi Cricket,
> i've been with T for five years, ever since i found out that i had DID after becoming upset in classes after going back to school.
> My T works at a hospital all day with patients that have DD . i think that he always sees things from the point of view that the hospital sees it. They are so many rules to protect the rights of therapists and staff that the patient is like the 'enemy' there. It's a horrible place. i don't agree with the model they use there . It's only good for persons that don't have serious problems communicating internally. It's based upon communication and i'm not there yet. When i was in that hospital i had an old school dr who put me in seclusion for the greater part of 30 days. It was torture because my parts had nothing to ground to, no one to be. i was a 'bad' patient from the hospital's view. They did a good job. My T still agrees. i hate that about T.
>
The hospital sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My T has threatened me with hospitalization a couple of times, but I've never gone.> My T never will chose my needs over the way he knows. i'm stuck with it because it's financially too hard to find a therapist who will bill my insurance- which pays 70 %.
> It's too hard to pay upfront because my h is not supportive.
>
Yeah, I know about that. My husband doesn't even know that I see a therapist. I guess I'm lucky enough to be able to pay my own bills but debt is mounting.
> i wish my T would throw away the stuff that he is doing and help me. It's really a life or death struggle i'm in and he knows it and i think he thinks that i'm not going to make it.
>
I wish he would too. I'm hoping for you.> Often i feel suicidal after seeing him . Once i asked how many patients haven't made it and he became so defensive. i need to stop seeing him but i need to find another T . Ts don't want to wait for insurances but i can't work enough to make a steady and large enough income. disability has been denying me for five years. A hearing is coming up . i need disability.
>
For the first few years that I saw my T, I was cutting much more than I had ever been. I'm not sure why but looking back on it perhaps it was the first sign of progress. I was getting attention, all of us, and it was really more than we could stand and I wanted to skin myself alive so no one would ever look at me again.
Could it be the same with you? Do you have any idea why are you more suicidal?
Also with me, my T tries to plant hope, I think, and that makes me both angry and ashamed because I think I am really hopeless and worthless. Could it be something like that?
> i wish T would change the way he is- it's horribly abusive by any standards. it causes so much psych trauma and doesn't help at all. A T can say hard things if he's been caring but T says them all the time without ever being caring or supportive. i wrote to tell T i can't come until i can feel support from somewhere first and he ignored me.
>
I think it is good that you wrote. You deserve an explanation, a phone call.> Everything is so hard. i wish there were some way to get help.
> thanks for being there, Cricket.
> kerria
I'm glad I was here. Sometimes I don't sign on for a few days, depending on what's happening with my own issues but I will look out for your posts.
Posted by kerria on July 16, 2005, at 7:50:27
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy » kerria, posted by cricket on July 15, 2005, at 15:34:45
Thank you, Cricket. i'm sorry that it's so difficult for you also. Thank you for writing and identifying. It helps me think that it can get better.
i wish that there were a support group for persons with DID that i could go to .
that my h was more understanding and didn't ignore me. It's such a lonely place to be in.
If only my T would plant hope and not keep me isolated. There is a group therapy group at his hospital that he won't let me go to because he thinks i'm not doing well enough. Just having other persons there that i didn't have to hide my parts to would be comforting for me. i don't think that my T feels any responsibility at all for helping me. It feels like he's given up on me.Thanks for listening. What does anyone do to keep from being so isolated?
Take care,
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 17, 2005, at 13:05:48
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 16, 2005, at 7:50:27
I think it can get better and I haven't given up on you. Tell your T that :)
I also feel isolated these days. It helps a bit to post here. I hope it helps you too.
Posted by kerria on July 17, 2005, at 18:13:54
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy » kerria, posted by cricket on July 17, 2005, at 13:05:48
Hi Cricket,
The last days since i saw T on Thursday i've been convincing myself that seeing T has been a mistake. i think that he's too negative in his method of therapy and my self esteem is too bad to endure listening to the way he talks to me. It borders on abusive.
Maybe i just see it that way- i thought of that also but in reality i'm not getting any better and i'm in a dangerous place when i see T because i feel so hopeless and terrible about myself. It isn't even safe.
There's never been any kind of real relationship at all. T is always an uncaring stranger and i don't think i can ever talk to him about issues that i need to. He's too critical and too negative to trust. i'm negative about myself too so it's not a good balance.
What do i do now? He refuses to refer me to anyone else and it's so hard to find a T. If i can find another T i don't want the new T to see me the same way T does.
problem- there is no new T. i'm getting ahead of myself. i can't see myself going to my T anymore though. It's over.
i don't know what to do about the appts coming up. i already wrote to T that i didn't want to come. He didn't answer - i don't know how it stands, whether he scheduled someone else or not. i should make an appt to talk to him but it's so painful. it hurts so much becuse T is the only one in the world that knows all my parts. i wish that he didn't have to be so uncaring to make therapy impossible.Cricket, i'm sorry that you feel isolated- i know how lonely it feels. i'm glad it helps to write here. Have you been coming here for a long time?
Take care,
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 18, 2005, at 11:07:02
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 17, 2005, at 18:13:54
> Hi Cricket,
>
> The last days since i saw T on Thursday i've been convincing myself that seeing T has been a mistake. i think that he's too negative in his method of therapy and my self esteem is too bad to endure listening to the way he talks to me. It borders on abusive.
> Maybe i just see it that way- i thought of that also but in reality i'm not getting any better and i'm in a dangerous place when i see T because i feel so hopeless and terrible about myself. It isn't even safe.Seeing my T makes me feel worse about myself too. Since it happens to both of us and we don't have the same T, could it be something about our separation and how we are rather than how our Ts treat us?
Believe me I'm not making any excuses for your T and some of the things you describe sound awful, but I don't want you to lose all your support, even if it's very rocky.
Terminating with a T (especially one that you've been seeing for 5 years) should never be taken lightly.
Kerria, every single day I want to terminate. Every single day I think I just can't go back there and face him one more time. Every single day I think he hates me. I can't understand why he doesn't puke at the sight of me. But I haven't made that phone call yet.
> There's never been any kind of real relationship at all. T is always an uncaring stranger and i don't think i can ever talk to him about issues that i need to. He's too critical and too negative to trust. i'm negative about myself too so it's not a good balance.
> What do i do now? He refuses to refer me to anyone else and it's so hard to find a T. If i can find another T i don't want the new T to see me the same way T does.I don't understand that. Have you actually asked for a referral? I fantasize about my T referring me a lot but I've never asked for one.
> problem- there is no new T. i'm getting ahead of myself. i can't see myself going to my T anymore though. It's over.
> i don't know what to do about the appts coming up. i already wrote to T that i didn't want to come. He didn't answer - i don't know how it stands, whether he scheduled someone else or not. i should make an appt to talk to him but it's so painful. it hurts so much becuse T is the only one in the world that knows all my parts. i wish that he didn't have to be so uncaring to make therapy impossible.
>
Please call him. Insist that he address the reasons why he is being so negative.
I feel so much that we're in the same boat, if you promise to try and stick it out a little bit, I will promise too.> Cricket, i'm sorry that you feel isolated- i know how lonely it feels. i'm glad it helps to write here. Have you been coming here for a long time?
>
I tried coming here about a year ago but I was in the midst of such a traumatic transference that I couldn't even post much. I've been here for a few months now. It's sometimes hard to hear about the wonderful relationships that others have with their Ts but it doesn't outweigh the support and acceptance that I feel here.
> Take care,
> kerria
Posted by kerria on July 19, 2005, at 9:57:45
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy » kerria, posted by cricket on July 18, 2005, at 11:07:02
Last night i emailed and asked T if the appt that i cancelled today was still open and he said it was. i'm going to try to go but i don't have agreement inside. It's a problem when i do things like this because something will probably go wrong or else i'll end up with a big headache.
It would be so good to throw myself into something totally and not have the pain of trying to do things against parts all the time.i went to drs today and she gave me cymbalta - maybe could help with pain also. Usually i can't take antidepressants because they affect each part in a different way and it's so destabilizing. As i cycle though parts coming out all day, each are affected a different way. So for a couple of hours i'll be falling asleep, then feel like i have so much energy and can't sit still Or else they give me migraines. i'll try it- anything that can help with the pain would be good.
Cricket, do you take any meds? i know that nothing helps DID very much. i have the best psyDr - i'm sorry that he doesn't have time to take me for therapy. i've tried some things like Klonopin- it took away the switching that i need to do. i went to work and the work part didn't come. it was so weird, i had to tell my boss i was sick because i didn't know where anything was and kept making mistakes.
i take diazapam sometimes- not everyday. H holds it and i take it when i see T or get too nervous.
Nothing really helps the internal disagreement.i wish that we both could have more understanding Ts. The last thing we need is to have to fight and disagree with one more person.
Take care. i hope that t goes well for you,
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 19, 2005, at 10:37:30
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 19, 2005, at 9:57:45
> Last night i emailed and asked T if the appt that i cancelled today was still open and he said it was. i'm going to try to go but i don't have agreement inside. It's a problem when i do things like this because something will probably go wrong or else i'll end up with a big headache.
> It would be so good to throw myself into something totally and not have the pain of trying to do things against parts all the time.
>
I'm glad you still have an appointment. I think you should try and go. As someone once said to me here, when a relationship with a T is at such a low point it can be liberating just to see them because you know it can't get any worse. Are there any parts that want to see the T? I have a couple of mine that do. And you're right, it is an incredible conflict. In fact, I cancelled so many times in my head this week that I think perhaps one of my parts really did call and cancel my appointment. I go this afternoon so I guess I will find out.> i went to drs today and she gave me cymbalta - maybe could help with pain also. Usually i can't take antidepressants because they affect each part in a different way and it's so destabilizing. As i cycle though parts coming out all day, each are affected a different way. So for a couple of hours i'll be falling asleep, then feel like i have so much energy and can't sit still Or else they give me migraines. i'll try it- anything that can help with the pain would be good.
>
> Cricket, do you take any meds? i know that nothing helps DID very much. i have the best psyDr - i'm sorry that he doesn't have time to take me for therapy. i've tried some things like Klonopin- it took away the switching that i need to do. i went to work and the work part didn't come. it was so weird, i had to tell my boss i was sick because i didn't know where anything was and kept making mistakes.
>
No, no meds at all. I am afraid of them for just the reason that you describe - what might work for some parts would be disastrous for others. I go to a Pdoc for therapy and although he's mentioned them as a possibility a couple of times, he's never pushed them.> i take diazapam sometimes- not everyday. H holds it and i take it when i see T or get too nervous.
> Nothing really helps the internal disagreement.
>
> i wish that we both could have more understanding Ts. The last thing we need is to have to fight and disagree with one more person.
>
> Take care. i hope that t goes well for you,
> kerria
>
>
I see my T this afternoon and my stomach is already up in knots. Parts are fighting about who's going to talk, which usually means I say nothing, which makes T angry. I think he thinks that I am just rubbing in his face that he can't help me, which yes I do have a part that's doing that, but there are other parts just tugging at him saying, "Please, please, help me."
Posted by kerria on July 19, 2005, at 22:42:25
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by cricket on July 19, 2005, at 10:37:30
Cricket, you sound so much like me. i almost can't tell which part that i wrote and which you wrote!
T today was upsetting as usual and i confronted T about making things so difficult and he reminded me of kind things that he says. he asked about a large bruise on my arm and it was a negative thing to me to draw attention to that and i cried and told T . He defended his position. He was angry and it triggered me so much but i didn't let him know. Then i was so upset to have parts- i can see them and somehow i thought that it wasn't real. It's so upsetting . i don't want to have parts . It's so scary - everything is so scary- to have parts , to communicate with them, i can't handle any of it. i said that i never want to come back again.
But i still have these parts. T said again how he helped persons that had over a hundred parts get back together. i don't have any choice- we have parts so need to go to therapy or stay this way T said.
it's so hard but i think that i needed this session to be motivated to do therapy. i don't know if i can handle it - really do it though.
T said that he'd get a workbook about communication , i said about another subject and T said 'No. communication.
So he has to have his way- then came the same lecture about 'the only way he knows.
i was too upset to leave and he turned feelings down. That's better- before T would just let me leave like that.Cricket, please share what you'd like about your session- ok? i'm so interested to know how it is for you.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 7:03:44
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy, posted by kerria on July 19, 2005, at 22:42:25
Hi Kerria,
So it sounds like it went a bit better at therapy. He reminded you of the kind things he's said. Try and remember them if you can. I know it's hard.
I undertand not wanting to have parts. For the longest time I was so ashamed of myself for being like this. I felt like a freak that someone should parade up and down the street. I used to cry and beg a god that I never believed in - just five minutes with a normal mind, can't I just see what it's like for just a tiny bit.
But I don't now. If my therapist has ever accomplished anything it is this: I feel okay having parts.
He said over and over again, "Most people have the voices of the people around them in their heads, you grew up in such psychotic chaos that you knew better than to let that happen. So you have your own family in your head. They're your family. I would never want to take them away."
And he said, "A unitary linear consciousness is a fiction. That's the problem with neurotics. We all have parts. Yours are just personified."
Then it was just the cumulative hours of talking about them, to them. Just as I imagine people without parts talk about their real families.
So now it's not so scary or shameful anymore. My T does say that eventually he'd like me to get to the point of seeing them just as different aspects of myself but that's a long term distant goal and since I am probably quitting therapy I don't think I'll get there.
I do think communication is a good first step and I like the idea your T had - just talk about everyday things. Do any of your parts have favorite foods or favorite things to do? Favorite colors?
Mostly I think you start with:
It's okay to be like this. I am like this for a good reason. There are lots of other people like this. For example, Cricket is like this.I'm glad that your T let you get back together before you had to leave. It does seem like he is trying.
Posted by kerria on July 21, 2005, at 21:48:38
In reply to Re: Parts coming out in therapy » kerria, posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 7:03:44
(((Cricket)))
my parts are not on my side like that. i don't know how it came to be but there isn't any one host part and there isn't the comradery that most people have with their parts. We all were created out of hatred for the others , i think- why were all opposite.
They aren't just voices but everyday have the body- many do- and it's a seris of separate lives going on in portions with no order.You're right- T is trying (for five years) to help and now it's so easy to see the mess i'm in so most of me is going to try honestly to communicate internally but the rest (apparently there is a lot of disagreement inside) are making me live with a terrible migraine since i said that to T on Tuesday.
It's been so bad- i have hardly been able to eat anything or do anything. i hope that i'm better tomorrow.
It's so scary- i'm so sick and losing wt- i can't work. i hope that it gets better tomorrow.Cricket, your T sounds nice. i hope that i can get somewhere now that there's a willingness now.
Take care,
kerria
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