![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
I'm really calling out for advice here folks. but i do get graphic so please don't read if you are on the edge.
I have been struggling with this for sometime but it has gotten quite severe and i am scared i make make THAT wrong move.
it seems that i don't do a lot of specific talking during my session-at least not about the important stuff, just the little things and things in the present. But if i even touch on older things i shut up immediately, detach myself for a few minutes and then completely change the subject, sometimes when i get home i don't even remember what i said that upset me so much.
ANY way, my problem is that, that night after my session i have a total and complete breakdown. Bawling hysterically usually ending up in some type of SI. Tuesday was my session and i told him about a new flash (memory picture) i got -just that i got it i couldn't tell him what it was. then that night i had a complete breakdown and SI'd a little, but what i was crying about was completely different, it was a different episode dealing with my parents and it had me in tears for hours. How it's getting worse is last night i got home from work about 6:00 changed into comfy close turned on my radio and ended up going into another fit. Crying but at the same time feeling numb. i wanted to down all the pills i have in the house and i think if i could have moved at that point i would have. 2nd, about 7:00 i got up, feeling numb yet somehow assured of what i was going to do. went to the bathroom to do more than SI, i cut my wrist in a new spot-i tried for just over a vein but it was real short cut -less than an inch- but i continued to cut and cut and cut until it was deep enough that the blood slowly came out for about 5 minutes. i let my wrist drip over the counter it covered my fingers and created a pool. I wasn't wanting to die as much as i was determined to continue cutting.
Luckily i just stopped. i don't even know why...the thoughts were still in my head but now i had to clean up...maybe my OCD about washing saved me cuz i had to clean the rugs and the counter. after this incident i layed down and fell asleep this was before 7:30 and i slept through the night.To me this says that what's happening during session is triggering me BAD, but my T is not around then and i Don't want to go back to the hospital.
I will talk with my T about this next appointment but that's not till next Tuesday...what do i do till then? what if this happens again tonight? how do i know i can stop.
i have no one that i feel i can call. there is one friend that understands but i feel that i'd just be laying my sh*t on him and he doesn't need that. he's going through his own stuff right now.Has anyone delt with this delayed breakdown? how do you deal with it?
For cutters out there, how do you know when you've crossed the line between SI and S.attempt. Like i said i didn't want to die, it was about cutting more and more and more. almost like "completing the job" not to die but to complete the cut...but i don't know what "complete" would have been. i just HAD to keep doing it.*finelinebob are you still around?
~struggling~
b2c.
Posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 14:33:46
In reply to delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
B2c,
i'm sorry things are getting worse for you. i wish i had some magical words that would make it all better. i'll try not to ramble too much but there's stuff i want to reply to because what you said really touched me in many ways.
first of all, is there any possible way you can call your T and make an earlier appointment? tell him that some things have come up and you'd like him to see you sooner? i don't know if you're anything like me, but it's really hard for me to come out and say things on my mind, it's so much easier to answer questions. maybe if you could say something on the phone to lead him to believe he needs to ask you questions about this when you arrive....
i don't SI (by cutting, anyway), so i'm not sure where the line is drawn between injury and intent to go beyond that. it does sound to me like you're (even subconsciously) teetering that line, but i'm just an outsider who is still understanding this type of SI. (I understand why you do it, and i even think it helps sometimes, but i don't know when it's gone "too far.") your need to clean up sounds like a positive sign to me, though-- that you did what you needed to do, and you decided you'd done enough and needed to move on.
can you call your friend and just talk to him... maybe not about this specifically, but just to talk? sometimes hearing a familiar voice is enough to re-center yourself. if i had your number, i'd call you and you could tell me as much or as little as you wanted-- i'm sure your friend feels the same way.
i hope that you can talk to your T. i hope that you can do it SOON too rather than waiting, and rather than going to the hospital (which I hope you will entertain as an option if this doesn't improve, okay?).
i'm not sure i've ever experienced specifically what you're experiencing (the delayed breakdown), or maybe i have, but i'm just not realizing it... maybe i haven't been in therapy long enough. but i sympathise and understand what you're saying. i don't have any words of wisdom or stellar advice, but i would like it if you kept talking about it.
can you not SI today? do you think you could put it off and see how you feel tomorrow? i worry about your physical health as well as your emotional health when you SI enough to bleed for five minutes (espeically when you've done it in smaller amounts before). do you have any alternate ways you can blow off that steam?
and again, can you call your T?
much love,
ghost
Posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 15:16:49
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns***trigger*** » B2chica, posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 14:33:46
i'm not sure if i can call my T. He said it once that i could call, but...i just feel like i'd be annoying him, or being a bother-that makes me feel worse...and if i would read some type of response like that from him...i'd be lost, cuz then i'd know for sure that i can't count on him...then i'd have No One and as unstable as i feel right now i just CAN'T risk that.
-plus he's Really hard to get in to see. he leaves a few emergency openings but even those fill up quickly.-Yes, it's Much easier for me to answer questions typically...but i don't know.
I think a part of me just wishes i would go back into the hospital and spend three days there with my T just working on spilling Everything...kinda like getting it all out in one lump sum. This way even if i freak out at 2:00am there are dr's,nurses, and psych people there 24/7, plus it's safe.about the SI, "teetering" describes it very well ghost, i think that's exactly how i feel about it.
>your need to clean up sounds like a positive sign to me, though-- that you did what you needed to do, and you decided you'd done enough and needed to move on.
-you know what ghost...you may have found an answer for me. re-reading you paragraph above, well, maybe if i do SI again i'll try to purposefully make a mess..maybe that's what triggered my need to clean and that will interceed any further harm??? yes ghost, this just might work!
at least it's not hopeless, at least that's Something i can try right?
> can you call your friend and just talk to him... maybe not about this specifically, but just to talk? sometimes hearing a familiar voice is enough to re-center yourself.
-you're right with this. but last night i even had his number right next to the phone and...i just couldn't do it. "i'm a useless bother, i'm a weight on everyones shoulder-all i do is make them worry" that's what runs through my head.
We do this thing where we state movie lines and the other guesses which movie. this ALWAYS gets me better, if nothing else it helps me focus on that rather than anything else. I love it. he always seems to know when i need it. But he wasn't at work today so i think maybe he's sick, course maybe that's a good excuse to call him tonight huh?>>if i had your number, i'd call you and you could tell me as much or as little as you wanted.
-you're such a sweetie ghost.
>can you not SI today?
-unfortunatly it's not something i plan. everyday i wake up and say i don't want to cut today, i'm going to try anything else. i try journaling first, i try music next, i try art next (drawing or painting). but sometimes i just don't make it. I shake with pain and anger or hurt it's SO intense that you need intense to stop it.>i worry about your physical health as well as your emotional health when you SI enough to bleed for five minutes.
Believe me ghost, this concerns me too. I've never done it to this extent before, when i was holding my arm down (it would bleed faster) my hand started to turn blue (no circulation...) That scared me but i still didn't react.
It's like...like the creepy calm before the storm. I wasn't scared, angry, sad, hurt. It's like i detached all emotion except for determination/function.maybe if it happens again tonight i will call my T. maybe you're right...maybe it's worth the risk, besides i'm not ready to go back to the hospital so soon. i'm sure i'll probably end up there again but i figured it would be later when i got into the heavier stuff with my T.
THANK YOU for such a quick reply Ghost.
i love you.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 16:46:11
In reply to delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
i can't stand being at work anymore, i just gotta get out of here. I only have web access here so i'll post tomorrow morning how tonight goes. I'm hoping uneventful, i just...can kinda feel it coming on. i'm heavy and want to RUN from people-no contact, not even eye contact, it's this last one that this worries me.
I've been waking up ok, it seems to really hit about 6:00pm?? (CST) ;)But, it's just tomorrow, i don't need to worry past that right?...right.
i'm good. Maybe i'll fill my night with movies...that would be good, i've got three i haven't seen yet.
thanks.
b2c.
Posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 17:37:53
In reply to Re: tomorrow, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 16:46:11
I wish you had internet at home. Please take care of yourself. You SHOULD call your Therapist. He would want to know you are this distressed. Take good care. Daisy
p.s. I always tell my Therapist I don't want to bother him. He said it is so much harder on him when I don't tell him what is going on. He'd rather keep me together than have to pick up pieces.
Posted by Poet on June 17, 2004, at 18:03:12
In reply to Re: tomorrow, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 16:46:11
Hi B2chica,
I hate calling my therapist, but I also know that she needs to know when I'm in a bad state. Yours won't think you're being annoying, if you can muster up the courage give him a call.
You're probably already gone from work, so please post Friday and let us know how you're doing.
Poet
Posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 23:02:52
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 15:16:49
> I think a part of me just wishes i would go back into the hospital and spend three days there with my T just working on spilling Everything...kinda like getting it all out in one lump sum. This way even if i freak out at 2:00am there are dr's,nurses, and psych people there 24/7, plus it's safe.
i certainly know this feeling well... i've only been out a month and some days i wish i was back there...
> -you know what ghost...you may have found an answer for me. re-reading you paragraph above, well, maybe if i do SI again i'll try to purposefully make a mess..maybe that's what triggered my need to clean and that will interceed any further harm??? yes ghost, this just might work!i'm glad i triggered a new idea or two!!!
> -you're right with this. but last night i even had his number right next to the phone and...i just couldn't do it. "i'm a useless bother, i'm a weight on everyones shoulder-all i do is make them worry" that's what runs through my head.
i think this too. i never want to say when i'm not doing well... it's like when people ask "how are you?" you automatically say "fine" even though in reality you're as far from fine as one can be. but it's that stupid automatic response. because heaven forbid you not be fine, just once in your life.
but the reality is that you're not a useless bother. not to me, and so i'm willing to bet not to others who know you irl. far from it. i'm glad you're here-- you have no idea how glad i am that you're here.
> We do this thing where we state movie lines and the other guesses which movie. this ALWAYS gets me better, if nothing else it helps me focus on that rather than anything else. I love it. he always seems to know when i need it. But he wasn't at work today so i think maybe he's sick, course maybe that's a good excuse to call him tonight huh?
yes! you're thinking on the right track! find an alternate reason to call him besides the main one. skirt around the issue if you have to. just call. just do anything. i agree. he sounds like a pretty awesome friend, too...
> >>if i had your number, i'd call you and you could tell me as much or as little as you wanted.
> -you're such a sweetie ghost.aww. i speak only the truth.
> Believe me ghost, this concerns me too. I've never done it to this extent before, when i was holding my arm down (it would bleed faster) my hand started to turn blue (no circulation...) That scared me but i still didn't react.
> It's like...like the creepy calm before the storm. I wasn't scared, angry, sad, hurt. It's like i detached all emotion except for determination/function.i can imagine it's a pretty mesmerizing sight. it's interesting (in a sick and morbid way) that what causes some people to flinch and react quickly (when they see their own blood, or when they're hurt) and "fix" the problem causes others to become paralyzed/mesmerized/otherwise intrigued and fascinated. the human mind is fascinating.
but you are not to become the guinea pig for this psychology experiment! you need to take care of yourself. you must. you must you must you must. i can't say it enough. i hope you have bacitracin.
> maybe if it happens again tonight i will call my T. maybe you're right...maybe it's worth the risk, besides i'm not ready to go back to the hospital so soon. i'm sure i'll probably end up there again but i figured it would be later when i got into the heavier stuff with my T.i don't suppose we can predict these things... if we could, we could schedule our vacation time around it...
> THANK YOU for such a quick reply Ghost.
i guess i was just in the right place at the right time.
much love,
ghost
Posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 8:06:52
In reply to delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
Thanks all for the support. I am here early this morning, i figured the faster i get out of the house the better.
Last night was much better then the last two. I started down that hill last night and was about to cut when my husband came home unexpectedly and messed that effort (i'm glad i think), but i had to do something and i didn't want to call my friend OR my T, but i had ghost nagging in my ear (that's a Good thing btw :) so i wrote my T a letter. One i promised myself i would show him. We've been working on my saying outloud what i'm thinking or feeling instead of keeping it bottled in. and he gave me homework to tell someone Exactly how i felt instead of keeping it in so i thought what better person than him?! i wrote him a one page (f&b) letter and copied the 2pages in my journal of the night i cut so badly and this morning i dropped it off at his office and ran like h*ll out the door and came to work. So i'm feeling really good that i gave that to him cuz i KNOW if i'd waited i would have talked myself out of it by next tues. (like i ALWAYS do)
Hopefully i don't crash on the fact that i gave him SO much detailed info. But i only have to go three days right? much better than a week.thanks
B2c.
Posted by cubic_me on June 18, 2004, at 9:16:01
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again, posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 8:06:52
I can really relate to how you're feeling. I sometimes have the 'delayed breakdown' you describe, and it can seem so frustrating when the only thing you want to do is cut, but that's the one thing you don't want to do too.
Trying journaling, music and art first is a good way to put off cutting - I use that too, and if I still have the urge to cut I try to go to a place where I won't be able to. It's easier for me because I live in a shared house, so usually I can just go to the living room and people will be there, but perhaps you could try going for a walk or going to have a look round the shops. It's much harder to SI where people might see you.
I really understand your desire to 'complete' the cut. I get that so often. I have a go at myself again and again because I haven't been able to cut deep enough or they weren't 'proper' cuts. It's hard to resist those urges to make it complete, but its something you've got to try your hardest to do. If nothing else, think of the scarring it will leave you - this is the one thing that stops me from cutting deep often. Have you tried using red marker pen or food coloring to look like blood? maybe you could complete the cut this way. Also, if you cut in the shower, it looks like you are loosing a lot more blood than you actually are, which can satisfy the need to cut more. Don't stay in the shower too long though, as it will stop the wound closing and you could loose a lot of blood.
I'm not advocating your or my cutting, but if you *have* to do it, like I have to sometimes, try to be as 'safe' as you can. Always use a clean blade and was out the cuts with sea salt water after if they are dirty. Cutting your wrists is very unlikely to kill you, but you can severely damage the nerves and tendons to your hands, so please be careful.
I've used hanging as a method of SI, as well as in a suicide attempt, so I can really relate to that teetering feeling.
I'm here if you need me.
cubic x
Posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 10:48:09
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on June 18, 2004, at 9:16:01
Cubic Me, it's good to hear from you. i've been thinking about you lately. hope you are doing ok?
Thank you very much for replying.I think getting myself up and moving around is the best thing. even if i'm just wandering around the house. if i stop i know i'll cut.
>> I really understand your desire to 'complete' the cut. I get that so often. I have a go at myself again and again because I haven't been able to cut deep enough or they weren't 'proper' cuts. It's hard to resist those urges to make it complete, but its something you've got to try your hardest to do.I'm SOOOO Glad you understand...i didn't know how else to explain it. It's SO Strong an urge...i don't even know that i completely understand, i just know what is in my head at that moment.
-i do think of the scarring quite often, that usually what keeps me with the smaller cuts, but it's like i have no control sometimes...sometimes it's like i want to cut clear to the bone...this is usually when i get scared and start to back off cuz the strenth of determination is so strong i sware i'll cut my arm or leg clear off.>>Have you tried using red marker pen or food coloring to look like blood?
Actually i have tried the food coloring and it does work to an extent but i think it's the tactile thing.
-however, i know that sometimes i will smear the blood over an area instead of letting it drip so making it look like i've cut more than i really did and that does seem to work. I like the idea of adding water to that mix, that will make it seem like more and maybe i'll stop quicker?
> I'm not advocating your or my cutting, but if you *have* to do it, like I have to sometimes, try to be as 'safe' as you can. Always use a clean blade and was out the cuts with sea salt water after if they are dirty. Cutting your wrists is very unlikely to kill you, but you can severely damage the nerves and tendons to your hands, so please be careful.i agree 100% i would NOT advocate this to anyone, it just feels like it's as addicting as drugs so if you've never done it DON'T START!
thank you so much for caring and the great advice. The one wierd thing is i do tend to take care of my cuts. it's really weird that one minute i want to shred myself and the next i'm like nurse 'able' and carefully taking care of my wounds.> I've used hanging as a method of SI, as well as in a suicide attempt, so I can really relate to that teetering feeling.
Wasn't that really scary CubicMe? I guess i only see that as a method of Suicide, I'm so sorry you went through that.
> I'm here if you need me.
And right back attcha, though i'm not real stable so hopefully i could say the right things.
I think i really do need you right now. If i stay away from sharp objects i'm ok, but i've even lately found myself looking at everyday things and thinking mmmm how sharp IS that? how deep do i think that would cut??
i mean literally looking around my office (which there are a LOT of things here) and even at home when i'm in the laundry room or the living room...i catch myself lurking for sharp objects.I think just talking with others that SI is a real help to me...to sort of calm me down and stops some urges by talking about them rather than doing them.
My next T appt is Tues. at 3 (cst). So this weekend will be interesting, trying to hang in there.
Thank you, More Than You Know Cubic ME.
b2c.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 11:07:58
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again, posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 8:06:52
i'm so PROUD of you for giving that letter to your T! that's awesome. good job!! that took a lot of guts and effort on your part. i'm so proud.
as far as looking at everyday objects and relating them to SI tools... i think that's further proof you're teetering on the edge. when i was feeling suicidal (and even now, on a particularly bad day), i would look at everyday items and think about how they could kill me. from cutting to poisoning to hanging to smothering to drowning... i thought of it all. sometimes it was just a relief to know i had a way out nearby. othertimes it was scary and made me feel out of control.
does your T have your work number? i really hope he'll think about squeezing you in to see you early. if he doesnt, though, tuesday's almost here. if you need net access over the weekend to talk to us, make sure you try the local library.
love,
ghost
Posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 11:40:22
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again » B2chica, posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 11:07:58
> i'm so PROUD of you for giving that letter to your T! that's awesome. good job!! that took a lot of guts and effort on your part. i'm so proud.
Ghost
i gotta say i felt Real good about this one. In fact last appt i told him i did a similar thing, my boss really upset me but later instead of keeping it bottled up i wrote him an email sent it and left Real quick (i said i was such a chicken sh*t but whatever worked right?) well this was sort of the same thing. as long as i didn't have to confront him f2f i had a little more strength to just leave it and RUN!
:)
> as far as looking at everyday objects and relating them to SI tools... sometimes it was just a relief to know i had a way out nearby.i think you're right that maybe i do need to be careful here. i don't think i saw them as a way to die, but i do feel "safer" in a wierd way knowing i can SI anytime if i need to. i think what you said is a good warning cue to me though. that maybe i should be careful, more 'on the lookout' for crossing over.
> does your T have your work number?
i'm not sure...i think so?
But i am Really focused on next tuesday. i am starting to really see him as someone to talk to, someone who will help me. So i think if that time came that i would really call him for help.>>if you need net access over the weekend to talk to us, make sure you try the local library.
i actually have an outside key to my work so i could get in here for access if needed, but my husband's made all sorts of plans for me this weekend (i really hope several get "rained out") cuz being around crowds sometimes sets me off. not in front of them but later when i'm alone i have a breakdown. and of course both days he want's to be around my parents...i LOVE's my daddy and do want to see him a little on father's day but can't handle both of them for TWO whole days!
-yes i've explained this to my hubby, he just got grumpy and said 'whatever', so we'll see if he listens or not.
i just can't thank you enough for caring. i'm starting to feel a little funny again. (i wish i could explain this feeling that crosses the physical/mental boarder. But that's my one warning to stay away from known triggers= certain music, certain people, not walking around with a small pocket knife in my pocket...-maybe i will try to pop on for a little bit tomorrow, if i can.
btw-when are you leaving to NH? how much longer are you in big red country?
b2c.
Posted by cubic_me on June 19, 2004, at 13:24:59
In reply to Re: delayed brkdwn-back again » cubic_me, posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 10:48:09
> know that sometimes i will smear the blood over an area instead of letting it drip so making it look like i've cut more than i really did and that does seem to work. I like the idea of adding water to that mix, that will make it seem like more and maybe i'll stop quicker?
I smear the blood sometimes too. The water will wash away any blood clots so the cuts will take longer to stop bleeding. If you want to stop the bleeding, put something clean over the cut, like gauze or a clean cloth, and press down on it hard, then raise the cut above the level of your heart, this stops as much blood going to it and it will stop bleeding more quickly. If blood soaks through the first layer you put on, put another ON TOP and press down, that way you don't rip away any healing that's already happened.
> thank you so much for caring and the great advice. The one wierd thing is i do tend to take care of my cuts. it's really weird that one minute i want to shred myself and the next i'm like nurse 'able' and carefully taking care of my wounds.I take good care of my cuts too. I've discussed it with my T, and she sees it as a way of taking care of myself and my own psychological pain. Taking care of the cuts lets me focus on them more, without cutting more - I can see the pain on the inside showing on the outside, then I can see it heal. Once the cuts have healed over I use vitamin E cream and anti-wrinkle cream to help them scar less.
>
> > I've used hanging as a method of SI, as well as in a suicide attempt, so I can really relate to that teetering feeling.
> Wasn't that really scary CubicMe? I guess i only see that as a method of Suicide, I'm so sorry you went through that.It wasn't scary at the time. I wanted to die. I was more scared of living than dying.
>> Thank you, More Than You Know Cubic ME.
You too b2c!
Cubic me
PS I'm always looking for instruments to SI with, I think it's semi-'normal' for people like us :s
>
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Posted by ghost on June 19, 2004, at 14:14:31
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again » ghost, posted by B2chica on June 18, 2004, at 11:40:22
I don't see anything wrong with written communication-- and running out afterwards! I agree that face to face is just WAY TOO MUCH most of the time. Espeically about important issues. I just think it's outstanding that you have the guts to tell someone your feelings. In any medium necessary.
> But i am Really focused on next tuesday. i am starting to really see him as someone to talk to, someone who will help me. So i think if that time came that i would really call him for help.
that's such a good sign! i'm glad.
> i actually have an outside key to my work so i could get in here for access if needed, but my husband's made all sorts of plans for me this weekend (i really hope several get "rained out") cuz being around crowds sometimes sets me off. not in front of them but later when i'm alone i have a breakdown. and of course both days he want's to be around my parents...i LOVE's my daddy and do want to see him a little on father's day but can't handle both of them for TWO whole days!wow. it's cool you have access to work after work hours. i know what you mean about your parents too. "too much of a good thing," perhaps.
> -yes i've explained this to my hubby, he just got grumpy and said 'whatever', so we'll see if he listens or not.
does it bother you when he does that? i think i'd kick my SO out of the house if they gave me that kind of attitude. but i'm learning how littl epatience i have with relationships...
> i just can't thank you enough for caring. i'm starting to feel a little funny again. (i wish i could explain this feeling that crosses the physical/mental boarder. But that's my one warning to stay away from known triggers= certain music, certain people, not walking around with a small pocket knife in my pocket...
it's sooooo good that you can recognize warning signs-- even if you can't explain them. (although "funny" works... i feel funny lately myself.)
> btw-when are you leaving to NH? how much longer are you in big red country?
I think i'm leaving monday. i'll be going to Kansas City to visit some friends for a few days, then on to Wisconsin for a Phish show (don't laugh, it wasn't my idea, or my ticket) on Friday, and then i'll be officially on my way to NH. Playing it by ear.
*hugs*
ghost
Posted by terrics on June 19, 2004, at 19:56:22
In reply to delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
Hi B2, I completely understand, especially about not wanting to die, but wanting to finish the job. Unfortunatley, my description of what happens has to be graphic for anyone to understand. I cut on my abdomen. Each time it is deeper. I want to reach way down to the guts of me. Also, last year I had a major delayed response to something at work which put me in the hospital [not do to SI or S attempt]. Pdoc was going away and wanted a babysitter for me.
I am trying hard to think of how you could get help. How about a suicide hotline? You can explain about the cutting and that you do not think you want to commit S. I am glad you are talking to your T about this. You need a lifeline when this happens. You could call me, but I do not know how to give you my number without posting it, and I do not want to post it. If you can think of a way let me know. terrics
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2004, at 8:53:34
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again » B2chica, posted by ghost on June 19, 2004, at 14:14:31
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2004, at 9:04:00
In reply to delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
terrics and cubic me.
it really comforts me (especially when i need it most) to know there are people that Actually understand these feelings no matter how "oddly"? their expressed. i think i've only ever told two people that i cut. -one person when i was in the hospital and my good friend. they were both understanding, but didn't "Understand". if you know what i mean.terrics what you described is Exactly how i feel except for me it's the bone...it's like i NEED to go clear to the bone, to actually see and feel it. luckily i haven't gone that far yet.
(agree 100%, i too don't feel comfortable posting RL info here...)cubic me, you gave a good insight to reasons behind the act, this makes a lot of sense...it made me feel wierd, like i was glad to know this but made me a little...nervous, maybe uncomfortable???
-and i also use vitamin E...works great huh!Thank you both VERY much.
my T appt, tomorrow...i'm already getting nervous about it. i do wish i had more time with him.
-i think having a S.hotline nearby is not such a bad idea.
b2c.
Posted by terrics on June 22, 2004, at 13:40:25
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns-back again » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on June 18, 2004, at 9:16:01
I'm here too. We can help each other. terrics
This is the end of the thread.
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