Posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 12:55:33
I'm really calling out for advice here folks. but i do get graphic so please don't read if you are on the edge.
I have been struggling with this for sometime but it has gotten quite severe and i am scared i make make THAT wrong move.
it seems that i don't do a lot of specific talking during my session-at least not about the important stuff, just the little things and things in the present. But if i even touch on older things i shut up immediately, detach myself for a few minutes and then completely change the subject, sometimes when i get home i don't even remember what i said that upset me so much.
ANY way, my problem is that, that night after my session i have a total and complete breakdown. Bawling hysterically usually ending up in some type of SI. Tuesday was my session and i told him about a new flash (memory picture) i got -just that i got it i couldn't tell him what it was. then that night i had a complete breakdown and SI'd a little, but what i was crying about was completely different, it was a different episode dealing with my parents and it had me in tears for hours. How it's getting worse is last night i got home from work about 6:00 changed into comfy close turned on my radio and ended up going into another fit. Crying but at the same time feeling numb. i wanted to down all the pills i have in the house and i think if i could have moved at that point i would have. 2nd, about 7:00 i got up, feeling numb yet somehow assured of what i was going to do. went to the bathroom to do more than SI, i cut my wrist in a new spot-i tried for just over a vein but it was real short cut -less than an inch- but i continued to cut and cut and cut until it was deep enough that the blood slowly came out for about 5 minutes. i let my wrist drip over the counter it covered my fingers and created a pool. I wasn't wanting to die as much as i was determined to continue cutting.
Luckily i just stopped. i don't even know why...the thoughts were still in my head but now i had to clean up...maybe my OCD about washing saved me cuz i had to clean the rugs and the counter. after this incident i layed down and fell asleep this was before 7:30 and i slept through the night.To me this says that what's happening during session is triggering me BAD, but my T is not around then and i Don't want to go back to the hospital.
I will talk with my T about this next appointment but that's not till next Tuesday...what do i do till then? what if this happens again tonight? how do i know i can stop.
i have no one that i feel i can call. there is one friend that understands but i feel that i'd just be laying my sh*t on him and he doesn't need that. he's going through his own stuff right now.Has anyone delt with this delayed breakdown? how do you deal with it?
For cutters out there, how do you know when you've crossed the line between SI and S.attempt. Like i said i didn't want to die, it was about cutting more and more and more. almost like "completing the job" not to die but to complete the cut...but i don't know what "complete" would have been. i just HAD to keep doing it.*finelinebob are you still around?
~struggling~
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:357559
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357559.html