Posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 15:16:49
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns***trigger*** » B2chica, posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 14:33:46
i'm not sure if i can call my T. He said it once that i could call, but...i just feel like i'd be annoying him, or being a bother-that makes me feel worse...and if i would read some type of response like that from him...i'd be lost, cuz then i'd know for sure that i can't count on him...then i'd have No One and as unstable as i feel right now i just CAN'T risk that.
-plus he's Really hard to get in to see. he leaves a few emergency openings but even those fill up quickly.-Yes, it's Much easier for me to answer questions typically...but i don't know.
I think a part of me just wishes i would go back into the hospital and spend three days there with my T just working on spilling Everything...kinda like getting it all out in one lump sum. This way even if i freak out at 2:00am there are dr's,nurses, and psych people there 24/7, plus it's safe.about the SI, "teetering" describes it very well ghost, i think that's exactly how i feel about it.
>your need to clean up sounds like a positive sign to me, though-- that you did what you needed to do, and you decided you'd done enough and needed to move on.
-you know what ghost...you may have found an answer for me. re-reading you paragraph above, well, maybe if i do SI again i'll try to purposefully make a mess..maybe that's what triggered my need to clean and that will interceed any further harm??? yes ghost, this just might work!
at least it's not hopeless, at least that's Something i can try right?
> can you call your friend and just talk to him... maybe not about this specifically, but just to talk? sometimes hearing a familiar voice is enough to re-center yourself.
-you're right with this. but last night i even had his number right next to the phone and...i just couldn't do it. "i'm a useless bother, i'm a weight on everyones shoulder-all i do is make them worry" that's what runs through my head.
We do this thing where we state movie lines and the other guesses which movie. this ALWAYS gets me better, if nothing else it helps me focus on that rather than anything else. I love it. he always seems to know when i need it. But he wasn't at work today so i think maybe he's sick, course maybe that's a good excuse to call him tonight huh?>>if i had your number, i'd call you and you could tell me as much or as little as you wanted.
-you're such a sweetie ghost.
>can you not SI today?
-unfortunatly it's not something i plan. everyday i wake up and say i don't want to cut today, i'm going to try anything else. i try journaling first, i try music next, i try art next (drawing or painting). but sometimes i just don't make it. I shake with pain and anger or hurt it's SO intense that you need intense to stop it.>i worry about your physical health as well as your emotional health when you SI enough to bleed for five minutes.
Believe me ghost, this concerns me too. I've never done it to this extent before, when i was holding my arm down (it would bleed faster) my hand started to turn blue (no circulation...) That scared me but i still didn't react.
It's like...like the creepy calm before the storm. I wasn't scared, angry, sad, hurt. It's like i detached all emotion except for determination/function.maybe if it happens again tonight i will call my T. maybe you're right...maybe it's worth the risk, besides i'm not ready to go back to the hospital so soon. i'm sure i'll probably end up there again but i figured it would be later when i got into the heavier stuff with my T.
THANK YOU for such a quick reply Ghost.
i love you.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:357559
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357588.html