Posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 23:02:52
In reply to Re: delayed breakdowns***trigger***, posted by B2chica on June 17, 2004, at 15:16:49
> I think a part of me just wishes i would go back into the hospital and spend three days there with my T just working on spilling Everything...kinda like getting it all out in one lump sum. This way even if i freak out at 2:00am there are dr's,nurses, and psych people there 24/7, plus it's safe.
i certainly know this feeling well... i've only been out a month and some days i wish i was back there...
> -you know what ghost...you may have found an answer for me. re-reading you paragraph above, well, maybe if i do SI again i'll try to purposefully make a mess..maybe that's what triggered my need to clean and that will interceed any further harm??? yes ghost, this just might work!i'm glad i triggered a new idea or two!!!
> -you're right with this. but last night i even had his number right next to the phone and...i just couldn't do it. "i'm a useless bother, i'm a weight on everyones shoulder-all i do is make them worry" that's what runs through my head.
i think this too. i never want to say when i'm not doing well... it's like when people ask "how are you?" you automatically say "fine" even though in reality you're as far from fine as one can be. but it's that stupid automatic response. because heaven forbid you not be fine, just once in your life.
but the reality is that you're not a useless bother. not to me, and so i'm willing to bet not to others who know you irl. far from it. i'm glad you're here-- you have no idea how glad i am that you're here.
> We do this thing where we state movie lines and the other guesses which movie. this ALWAYS gets me better, if nothing else it helps me focus on that rather than anything else. I love it. he always seems to know when i need it. But he wasn't at work today so i think maybe he's sick, course maybe that's a good excuse to call him tonight huh?
yes! you're thinking on the right track! find an alternate reason to call him besides the main one. skirt around the issue if you have to. just call. just do anything. i agree. he sounds like a pretty awesome friend, too...
> >>if i had your number, i'd call you and you could tell me as much or as little as you wanted.
> -you're such a sweetie ghost.aww. i speak only the truth.
> Believe me ghost, this concerns me too. I've never done it to this extent before, when i was holding my arm down (it would bleed faster) my hand started to turn blue (no circulation...) That scared me but i still didn't react.
> It's like...like the creepy calm before the storm. I wasn't scared, angry, sad, hurt. It's like i detached all emotion except for determination/function.i can imagine it's a pretty mesmerizing sight. it's interesting (in a sick and morbid way) that what causes some people to flinch and react quickly (when they see their own blood, or when they're hurt) and "fix" the problem causes others to become paralyzed/mesmerized/otherwise intrigued and fascinated. the human mind is fascinating.
but you are not to become the guinea pig for this psychology experiment! you need to take care of yourself. you must. you must you must you must. i can't say it enough. i hope you have bacitracin.
> maybe if it happens again tonight i will call my T. maybe you're right...maybe it's worth the risk, besides i'm not ready to go back to the hospital so soon. i'm sure i'll probably end up there again but i figured it would be later when i got into the heavier stuff with my T.i don't suppose we can predict these things... if we could, we could schedule our vacation time around it...
> THANK YOU for such a quick reply Ghost.
i guess i was just in the right place at the right time.
much love,
ghost
poster:ghost
thread:357559
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357686.html