Posted by susan47 on February 18, 2008, at 1:08:37
In reply to And F*ck You., posted by susan47 on December 14, 2007, at 18:46:39
I have said everything. I don't believe there is any more I can say that would bring me closer to myself than I am right now.
And the saddest thing of all, is that I only really feel "myself", anymore, when Under the Influence, darling. Dear, dear drug of choice, what you have brought me to is the deepest part of myself.
I do believe, I must live out what I have to, what has to be done is to nurture the dark side only just so much, only just a little, darling, until I am Done.
Until the grey matter is so fried, it would be unrecognizable to anyone, anyone at all.
Least of all, myself.
I fear so much, for what my grey matter has been through, and for what studies now show leads to early dementia, the history of depression, drug use, abuse ... the not wanting to live. The greyest parts of the day, the morning and the late afternoon, when the sound of traffic in the street is enough to drive a stake through my heart.
when the only thing, the One and Only Thing that will get me through the next hour, is .. you guessed it.
And the forgetting goes on.
And ... I have forgotten so much.
I've forgotten what it feels like to love Someone. I remember him, and all I want to do is ask myself what on earth I was thinking, what am I thinking .. how could I be two such different people? I don't understand. Someone has put a knife not only through my head, but down into my heart, cut me in half. Am I only half the person I was? Perhaps I am less than that.
Perhaps I am nothing at all.
poster:susan47
thread:799808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/813376.html