Posted by susan47 on December 14, 2007, at 0:49:05
In reply to I Am So Cold, posted by susan47 on December 14, 2007, at 0:39:51
bad person, I know I am bad, very bad for doing this, but I need to know, my heart is so hurt and I am such a fool but I just need to see what I believe is there. So I studied, and what I saw in the writing were really nice, they were lovely because I can see it, I can see all those lovely things in him that I don't think I appreciated because I can't believe it, from the way he really is when seen and experienced, the cold hatred in him, is nothing like what the writing reveals, which is a sense of responsibility, and the ability to carry things out to the end, and honour, and trust, and things like respect and thoughtfulness, and a bit of self-deprecation, even, and unsureness, but also stubbornness, and a touch, perhaps a titch of anger .. self-righteousness and the need to Teach Me a Lesson.
Oh, dear. I am such a bad person. I wish to be a good person, but I know he cannot see that, he can't possibly see the good person in me, because I have kept him far too busy seeing the bad person, and now he has no desire to ever see any person even remotely Like me ever again, and of course this is what I have wrought, and I pray for the whole thing to go away, but it can't because now it's a part of me forever, the whole fr*gg*ng thing is unliveable and a part of me forever. And I don't know how to change anything, or make anything about it feel right. Nothing, nothing about this feels good or right or even live-able anymore.
poster:susan47
thread:799808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20070425/msgs/800712.html