Posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 12:15:18
In reply to Re: Terrified, posted by Estella on August 6, 2006, at 3:55:27
> (((((((((susan)))))))))))
> ((((((((joan))))))))))
>
> thank you susan.
> yeah.
> i think that should be for...
> all of us.
>
> it helped me.
> thank you.
>
> i've never talked about that.
> never could.
>
> never could.
> 'cause then they'd abandon me for sure
> for sure
> i knew it was coming anyway...
> but at least they were kind to me
> at least they saw me when they were around.
>
> why can't i talk to my t about any of this??????Excuse me for butting in, but for myself, I can only say there's a lot of deep, deep shame attached to not being loved. It's hard to admit. You feel like you ought to disappear, like why are you taking up these people's precious time, and for me, another part of me was saying, This is Not The Way I Should Be FEeling. I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED and you know who by? You know why by, darling? The people who should have cared the MOST, who were also the cruelest emotionally underdeveloped people anyone could have met. And it isn't their fault. Hey baby, it Isn't Their Fault, if they continue to be un-insightful, unkind, hurtful, backstabbing, mean, judgemental, sarcastic .. I don't know. I don't know why people have to have children to reproduce the worst in themselves. See, that's the biggest fear. The biggest fear is THAT I AM JUST LIKE THEM .. and it isn't true. Because if I were, I would BE HAPPY AND UNWILLING TO CHANGE... AND THAT SIMPLY isn't true. You see, I am changing, that is why it hurts so much. Maybe change is just meant to be painful, because without the pain, I don't know what would cause a person to want to fight the flow of those who assert their "love" for you.
>
> because it isn't good for me?
>
> or because... she can't cope?She can. She's the therapist. She better. You'll know when she does but first you have to learn to communicate with yourself, Estella, I just get this deep feeling that you're not connected, communicating with your whole self to your whole self, and that will just take time. There's a lot of buried shame and guilt and it's totally, totally undeserved you see. It's not something that was supposed to happen to you. You were supposed to grow up loved and cared for, and cared about, and you were supposed to be nurtured and grown to be healthy and independent and free to be your true, beautiful self. You are in there. You always were. Someone will validate that You, Estella, you just allow it first. Talk.
>
> i don't know. i don't know that she can understand. but then she doesn't have to understand she only has to listen. but understanding... i think she thinks she does have to understand and i guess she does have to on some level only she doesn't. nice lady. trying to help. but there is no connection there. not really.The connection will feel like, she's honest with you about her good feelings about You, Estella, and the connection is like, you feel better after you've talked with her. Like you matter. Like you count. Not so much that she cares. But more that you care. More that you forgive yourself.
she studied philosophy. got a philosophy degree. that is why they chose her to be my therapist. but she may as well be from another planet.
i don't know what to say. i seem to have trouble working with so many people that one has gotta start wondering... where the problem is.
The weirdest thing is that maybe it's not her, Estella, maybe you're not ready. It takes a huge amount of trusting yourself, letting your own pain into your life, really letting it in .. before you get to the point, sometimes, when you're ready to let go. When you are, you have this person, the T, as your support. That is what your T will do for you. But you have to be ready to let go, first. That's why you don't know what to say, I think .. because you're not overflowing, yet. Not yet. Maybe soon, though. But, I could be wrong because really, this is only what happened with me. And even though it's started, the acceptance, I still am making other plans, plans I don't really know how to stop. They're .. subliminal. Maybe the fast-track therapy I hopefully will be put into, will help. Maybe not. I almost ended up in hospital myself, this week. And I don't even care, anymore, who would know or how it would affect my life. Because I have worked and kept up appearances, been a mother, a lousy suck-*ssed sister and daughter and wife, and I have tried not to let the world see how deficient I am but the world can no longer be my concern. This world is hell. Reality, for most people, is far worse than any problems you or I may have.
poster:susan47
thread:673550
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/674276.html