Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 8:49:40
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 8:29:51
and the time in seclusion after being found turning blue. listening to the girl in the room down the hall singing... and singing... and singing... the food being slipped in a tray under the door. the soft option. the plastic spoon. the matress on the floor with no blanket. no window. cigarettes every hour if i was quiet and a walk around the yard. not hard to be quiet on chlorpromazine... not that much of it at any rate. what happened to me? then back to constant obs on the secure ward. being walked to the bathroom... too drugged. everything so hazy... so hazy for days... weeks... how many weeks how many months was i in there? then hxx. the house in the country has no heating no light and it is the middle of winter. no money for heating. no money for petrol. they gave him leave and he went home and his house had been broken in by vandals. they pissed on the carpet and broke all the windows and scribbled obscenities on his walls. he told me he would kill himself if they discharged him. he told them the FBI were trying to kill him. they didn't believe him. he gassed himself. his parents came... i was in seclusion... i was happy for him. that was how sick i was. i was happy his pain had stopped. what did they do to me? trying to help they said they were. trying to help. but the chlorpromazine is cheaper than constant obs and the shocks didn't work and then they try you on other meds. seroquel. that required a special dispensation approval. expensive meds are last resort in the public service. and then... i don't know what happened. kind words kind words and a smile. a t to walk with me. to talk with me. why didn't anybody come? lectures from the nurses on me creating my own problems and then the inevitable... borderline... borderline me. discharge. not good for me in hospital. institutionalised. emergency room visits. supported accomodation. part of the spirit of deinstitutionalisation. getting chronic people back out into the community. support worker visits. medication dispensing. planned activities. gardening group. relaxation. they shocked me in both hemispheres. 10 times. i withdrew consent. they wanted 4... then 6... then 8... then 12... when was it going to stop? then the drugs. then...
dbt
i miss my therapist so much.
i tried to contact her
got someone to pass a message on
nothingsometimes i feel... so alone...
so disconnected from my life.
was all that an episode in my life?
my life?
was that me?
was that me?who am i?
what changed?
why is it that sometimes i long to go back...
?
poster:Estella
thread:673550
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/673930.html