Posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 10:59:59
In reply to Re: .. » wildcardII, posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:19:25
And it is hard. You know how sometimes some people... seem to kind of play on your insecurities. not on purpose. not intentional. but their insecurities and your insecurities just... clash. and that is what happened there. he isn't giving a talk... and i was going to. and i gave him... fairly scrappy notes yeah, but i was going to write it up. i thought we would be able to brainstorm and he would he slightly reassuring (yeah i do appreciate that i do) and i'd leave feeling better with a little more direction. but no. the opposite. but there was something a little off about that... he was kinda like 'it might be tricky to get out of doing a presentation now so i'll have a chat to xxx for you'. and i was like... no. i'll send him an email myself. and he was like... no. i'll do it. and i was like no... i'll send him one myself. maybe... he was trying to get me to put my foot down and say 'no f*ck you listen to me i said i'd talk to him myself'. well... thats not really the way to go about getting me to be more confident. sorry but. i talked to him myself. and... f*ck. f*ck f*ck f*ck. i didn't know what to say. i said i get anxious giving talks. that i was okay with tutorials 'cause undergrads are different. but harder material... with peers / profs. different story. that i wasn't able to talk to a ppt or handout. that i needed to write a paper. and his response was a little... condescending. i think... they might be playing with me a little. trying to provoke me to stand up for myself. i don't know. it isn't the way to go about it. if i get too anxious i get a little... paranoid. psychotic. can't say that though. social anxiety is my story and i'm sticking to it. f*ck f*ck f*ck. so... writing... have to do it now. no f*cking way i couldn't after crappy supervisors performance. maybe... that was the point? maybe it was. it has motivated me. oh yes indeedie do. sleep now. up at the crack of dawn. maybe a little valium tomorrow... dammit... when i get stressed it is hard for me to hold back the tears and that is a f*cking bad idea. AAAAAAAAARGH why do i have to be like this????????
poster:Estella
thread:673550
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/674509.html