Posted by Estella on August 7, 2006, at 2:05:47
In reply to Okay. All right. Thanks for the hugs. » Estella, posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 21:11:55
i'm sorry susan.
i'm falling apart... i didn't realise i was, but i have been for a while now.
i feel... like i'm cracking up. losing it again.
:-(
i've been trying to work. trying... trying... keep coming up against major resistence. reading... reading... then worrying i don't understand. rereading... rereading... writing... writing is harder. so hard. i haven't been able to write very much since arriving. i've been trying... i start writing. i give it to my supervisor and...
:-(
i've been working on my talk for conference. he said i shouldn't give a talk. that other people have been studying the topic for years and it isn't really my topic, is it? (rhetorical). i haven't been doing much reading on it, have you? (rhetorical). i'm failing to grasp the basic issues... i see that. his saying / thinking that. i see the f*cking issues and you can pick pick pick but i want to focus on this bit over here that really isn't clear from what other people have been saying. it isn't f*cking clear. i've been trying to understand. and he said i shouldn't give a talk. so i'm not going to. out of time anyway. tonight and two half days to do it. around 3,000 words. that isn't so bad. i have been f*cking reading. i have. and i've been thinking about it too. but it isn't on paper. and it isn't because everybody does this f*cking talking through powerpoints. and i'm scared. social anxiety. yeah i have f*cking social anxiety. if i don't have something i can read then i'm scared i'm going to freeze up and not be able to say anything. my mind will go blank and i'll just stand there looking stupid. so i have to write it. so that makes it a bigger deal for me than for others who can just structure a powerpoint and talk through that. and him saying NO! when i'm half way through a sentance. 'cause i'm not so good with expressing myself. he isn't helping. i feel incompetent. f*cking incompetent. he said 'it isn't that i don't think you could do it of course' (of course not it is just that you think i'll do a stupid presentation). 'you don't really want to do one anyway, do you?'i think... he is having a hard time of it... others have been saying that they have left him feeling bad this week. others have been saying that. he said he isn't giving a talk 'cause he couldn't think of anything to say (implying i don't have anything to say). i said something about how i was a little freaked in one of the seminars and he looked surprised. nobody found it confrontational except me... and one other supervisor. they said that they thought he could handle himself so that wasn't a problem. i wasn't thinking that. i was thinking that he was giving others an unnecessarily hard time. thats what freaked me.
what am i doing here?
i don't belong.i've said i'm not giving a paper.
but i'm f*cking well going to write one and i'm going to give it to another member of my panel. f*ck that. i feel horrible. why can't people just be nice?anxiety is too much sometimes. i hate myself so f*cking much.
poster:Estella
thread:673550
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060722/msgs/674437.html