Posted by Estella on May 12, 2006, at 23:54:15
In reply to Re: Avoiding sex with my wife. » Estella, posted by Declan on May 12, 2006, at 21:18:56
> Look, I've talked my wife under the table. She wants no more talk out of me (not true, just felt compelled etc). 30 bloody years of talk. You grow close, you love each other, are good friends, and sex goes out the window. The last thing you need is more talk. Just trying to cheer myself up again...pay no attention.
er...
i mean talk to her about why she doesn't seem to want sex.
because... i think most people kind of do like sex. or some kind of physical intimacy...
i'm thinking of a friend i knew. she didn't like sex. she didn't think she liked sex. and there was a lot of conflict about that in her marriage because her husband wanted a lot more... and she said she would be happy without any of that at all.
why?
we talked about that... and part of it was about... him not really knowing what she liked. and she didn't know what she liked really either... but when you haven't had any for a while... then sometimes the guy is fairly keen... and it can hurt. a lot. and so then there was this cycle... of not doing it for a while... then doing it... then it hurting her... then her not wanting to do it... and so on.
they kind of figured some stuff out.
massage. things like that. patience. figuring out what kind of stuff she liked.
but i'm serious about the pain stuff.
and if there is csa in the past... or roughness... or something... then i think sometimes women get put off sex.
and so sometimes it is about just taking it real slow.
and learning other ways of being physically intimate that maybe don't involve penetration. stuff like that...i just meant that it can be a really hard thing to talk about.
because it feels horrible to think that someone we love (who loves us) doesn't want to be intimate in that way.
and it can be a HUGE blow to the self esteem.
I understand that.But being able to talk about it...
Can be the first step.
And really... I can't say enough good things about massage as a form of physical intimacy.
poster:Estella
thread:641864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060511/msgs/643329.html