Posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2005, at 10:32:13
In reply to Re: it's probably just the men we attract, but » Larry Hoover, posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 7:56:18
> obviously, by the subject line, I do KNOW that this is the type of guy I've attracted in the past- no getting around that. The common denominator is ME, absolutely.
>
> I'm sorry if you felt put down. I WAS just talking about a group of men- NOT ALL MEN.
> I haven't met them all (smile).I want to make clear than I did not feel put down. Not in the slightest. Nor was I feeling defensive as I wrote my bit.
I am defensive about stereotypes. Wherever they exist. I tried to make that distinction explicit in my post.
I don't mind being questioned, even interrogated, if I am being addressed as an individual. I do mind being addressed as a member of a stereotypical entity.
I described myself, without a defensive sense being active. I tried to separate me from "men".
> And I am actually very much okay with all of the "human stuff" - gas, package and all... I grew up with an older brother (plus, I'm human and have been known to pass gas and adjust my bra!)
It seemed to be something you were linking to the next criterion. I see them as separate, and it seems that you do, too.
> It's the physical space thing that gets me- and you mention it yourself. The solitude thing. In a Zen-like way, I realize that some time to oneself is important, but women make do with the usual rooms of the house for their solitude, why do men need a space that no one else is allowed in?When I had the opportunity to have "space" of my own, it wasn't something I declared as "entry forbidden". It was simply a space where my spouse had no interest to be, but I did. Actually, there were a number of such spaces. My office, crammed with books and my computer. My workshop, full of tools and parts and stuff. My gardens, both flowers and veggies.
> And if you have that space, does that mean that the woman in your life is allowed HER own space, too?
Sure. My wife had a room for her own "non-shared" stuff. A space to be her own individual self.
> And then how much is spent on the rent or the mortgage for the two extra rooms rather than on the wellbeing of the family?
Well, I wouldn't put having space over basic needs. Not ever.
Right now, I have a chair. That is my private space. My chair, in which I read. I suppose that space includes the lamp beside it, for when the natural light fades. I am very possessive of that space.
I also have my computer. Similar.
> I meant it as a question... not a putdown. I was just looking for answers that I cannot find within myself, that's all...
One of the issues that arose in my marriage was that when I had a stressful day, I needed a little solitude time as I came home, so that I could comfortably enter into being a part of the family.
If I sat and read the local paper (a small one, max twenty minutes of reading), I was transformed. Without that interlude, I found it very hard.
No amount of alternative experimentation and discussion (we went to marriage counsellors) ever relieved me of the need for that brief solitude. To my wife, however, it was me failing to address her need for my contribution, for recognizing her, and us, above me.
Maybe it was my version of the toilet seat thing, but I did not obtain accomodation from my spouse. And I found myself unable to accomodate her, on this issue. I tried, but I could not do without that transition time.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:500245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/501657.html