Posted by sunny10 on May 9, 2005, at 8:45:18
In reply to Re: rant....Alesta, Sunny, » AdaGrace, posted by broken on May 7, 2005, at 20:45:35
your post was me, too. All of it.
I think maybe that because I grew up too soon- was responsible for so much so early (and with no right to an opinion or decision-making!), my life WAS put entirely on hold.
Everything I did was done first to try to get my parents (mother and stepfather who were emotionally and physically ,in that order)to love me or at least approve of me. I was sent to boarding school (no choice in the matter). While at boarding school, I was told that my mother and step-father were divorcing. My mother told me that my step-father didn't want anything to do with us kids anymore. I tried an overdose at seventeen. I had been told too many times that I was worthless and that no one wanted anything to do with me- my mother "dealt" with me because I was her "duty". My "first love" had also just cheated on me and abandoned me...
Then everything I did was for my (now ex-)husband and my son.
I was never allowed to do anything for me. My ex-husband emotionally abused me, and then when he started drinking heavily, he physically abused our son. He doesn't remember any of this- he was drunk. But he would get drunk, pick fights with me, and then when our two year old son would start becoming whiney because his father was yelling, my ex would pick him up and literally throw him into his youth bed. Several times my son hit the wall before he hit his mattress... With me, it was what I was/wasn't allowed to wear, who I was allowed to be friends with, and that I wasn't allowed to actually go out with my friends. That we had to spend both days of every weekend at his parents' house... I rebelled finally and started going out after work on Fridays. I worked for a bank, and we closed late on Fridays. I wasn't neglecting my son to go out because he was already asleep in bed before my work day was even done- so I went out with my friends from work afterwards. And every time, my ex would call the restaurant that we went to (a client of ours owned the restaurant) and ask who was sitting at the table with us- were there any men there. And the one time there WAS a man sitting at our table (also a co-worker), my ex showed up and barged in and demanded that he be allowed to join us. I was humiliated every time I tried to go out- with his presence, or his phone calls. I was pitied by my co-workers and this shamed me horribly. It was all too much.
My stepfather took me to my mother's lawyer- he lost everything in their divorce to my mom, so he figured she must be a good lawyer...But the lawyer told me that I was too poor to divorce my husband and provide for my son. That there was no way to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table with my salary alone.
Three months later I overdosed. I knew that without having me to argue with, my son wouldn't get thrown into walls by my ex. Without saying the actual words, the lawyer given me the answer that this was the only way I could protect my son. And my mother had continually told me that I was useless, worthless, was a mistake, was supposed to be aborted, et cetera while I was growing up. I thought that not existing anymore would be the greatest gift I could give my son.
When I got out of the hospital, it was pretty clear to everyone that our marriage was over. There was lots more horrible stuff during the divorce and then custody battle. It lasted over two years. There was another suicide attempt when the courts awarded full custody to my ex- because he claimed that a guy I was sharing a house with was physically abusing our son! The courts didn't even ask any questions at all- just gave full custody to the only man who HAD physically abused our son... And my ex was STILL mad at me- and was now emotionally abusing our son (mommy left us because of that man; she loves him more than us; we'll get her back if you tell your preschool director that her boyfriend hurt you...). I was still afraid for my son's safety in his father's care.
So, yes, AdaGrace- every decision that I made was for someone else; nothing was for me- I had already lost myself like you said.
I also believe that NO ONE should be allowed to marry young. Not until they're 30, at least. We don't know ourselves- much less know how to really "see" someone else until then...
Like Chris, obviously my marriage was one of the things that had to go- but then again I wouldn't have married the wrong person if I weren't already lost and confused (and, of course, since then I've been diagnosed with Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder- half nature, half nurture so say the professionals...).
If your hubby is a Narcissist, he will never "allow" you to change. If he's not- and is just immature- he can change the relationship WITH you. Couples counselling exists for a reason. It exists because it is part of the natural scheme of things for the two people within a marriage to grow and change as we mature. Either he will help "grow" the marriage to incorporate your need for some independence or he won't.
I wish you the best of luck in this... as a rule, most people hate change and go to great lengths to avoid it. (Even those of us who need the changes to occur!)
If there is anything at all I can do to help- talk more- shut up and just listen... anything at all; please let me know.
We are all earth's "sisters"- and I wouldn't have it any other way.
big kisses,
sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:494163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/495476.html