Posted by AdaGrace on May 7, 2005, at 7:11:15
In reply to Re: rant.., posted by broken on May 6, 2005, at 11:03:15
Broken, I know you are right. I know that. I know there are men out there who worship their wives without controlling them. I can only speak from my own experiences, that's for sure. However, I seem to be in a crowd of friends in the same boat. The perils of growing up and staying in a small community. Not much to pick from I guess. I have a friend who shared her story with me on a field trip bus several years ago. She said it best. When you are 18, 19, 20....you have no idea what you want. But you think you do, you end up with the first man who pays you any attention, perhaps the first one you have sex with. At 25 you settle into the normalcy of life, have babies, and do for your man. At 30 things start to change. You start to ask yourself, "Hey, what about me?" But you don't say it outloud. You wouldn't dare. So you begin to seeth a little inside. You start to dream of something else. At 35 it seems the resentment grows. You wish you were young again. You wish you had lived a little before you sentenced yourself to a life of servitude. At all these different ages women have different goals, different ideas of what they want.
Alesta, People should NOT marry young. They should live a little first. Before you know it, you are 40. You realize that life has never been about you. IT's been about him and the kids and the job, but never about you. Now it's about your aging &/or ailing parents, but still not about you. (this is me talking, not the friend on the school field trip bus, just to clarify) It just seems that at this age, I finally realize that I haven't lived, I haven't been sucessful in my own self. I've allowed myself to be molded into something I am not. I have a strained relationship with my siblings that I am just now trying to repair. I have no religious outlet because that was taken away from me at marriage. My friends from long ago are long gone. My friends now are all his.
I have just now started to branch out and make new ones. However, they are not friends of choice for Mr. Man. Bad influences they are. Why they come up to me at school events, restaurants, even stop by my house uninvited and they like me. That's horrifying to him. I am branching out. That little fat anti-social girl has become a woman who's company is desired by many.
I am learning about life, love, and the pursuit of happyness. I am realizing that my entire life I have served, worked my *ss off, made a beautiful home and yard....paid for most every luxury we have...and yet not much thanks or respect comes my way.
I am realizing that I have grown intellectually, emotionally, and gotten thinner physically, while he has stayed the same. Unyielding to new ideas, new ways of thinking, and of course new ways of being. I began to like myself, but he doesn't. He rants, he accuses, he belittles, he "puts me back in my place" more often than not. So I hate myself once again, because that is how I see him seeing me.
This week I started to forget why I hated him. Yet as another friend said last night...."don't worry, he will remind you at some time in the future". I just dont' know what to do at this point in time. 20 years of being the glue. 20 years of wearing the skirt.
I am afraid of change. I am so into the Mommy/Wife servitude role that I really don't think I can change or become anything different. Above all, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I stay out of fear of reprocussions...mental, physical, and yes social. I won't let my kids go through the horrifying stigma of a 20 year marriage and family being broke up because "I'm just not happy anymore" So I stay.Sunny, darling Sunny,
You have been there for me many times and I often rejected your advise, your help, your words. Yet I remember them all the same. I appreciate them more than I can say and more than anyone could realize. You have so much love in you. I see it in your words. Isn't it amazing how friendships can be forged with only the written word? Isn't it beautiful to know someone without ever having met them? Isnt' it great that physical appearance doens't even remotely mean a d*mn thing? In the end of life, these are the ones that will stay with us. Friends and family. My sisters of course always say...."spouses can come and go, but sisters will be sisters forever, What Mom has put together, let no man put assunder" Isn't that true with friends as well?
The words they say, the lies they tell, they are only that. Words. Weakness portrayed in promisses are not forgotten, but we can learn from them. We are passionate people, us women. And you know what? They need that. They need guidance, they need emotional support, and they need physical proof of everything. So, yes Sunny. Let's take it all in with a grain of salt. Listen to the beauty of the voice, but remember the reality in your head. I agree with Broken. There really must be some men out there who are sincere. Who put their mate above all else in the world. Being on a pedestal might just feel grand for a change.
Is this a manic high? I haven't drank anything this morning. I haven't smoked and weed. I am seriously liking the day. What the h*ll happened over night? It must be the Estee Lauder self tanning goop I put on that makes my thighs actually look a tad thinner and my batwing arms aren't quite so horrifying this morning....
Toddles, I'm off to serve the world.
Today, though, I am going to do something for myself, for my sanity, for self preservation.AdaGrace
poster:AdaGrace
thread:494163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/494811.html