Posted by Susan47 on May 8, 2005, at 0:51:12
In reply to Seduction and Punishment in the Therapeutic, posted by Susan47 on May 8, 2005, at 0:06:28
He acted differently, as well, very differently, when he was alone in the office versus when a partner was in.
Cold and withdrawn when the partner was in.
More open and kinder, gentler, when alone.
As though, in his own mind, he was doing something wrong.
After awhile, that's how it became, I'm convinced of it now.
Especially because of the time I came in dressed a certain way, you know, and he was .. different in some very obvious ways. He'd have to be an idiot to not know what he was doing in the looks he gave and the voice, how his voiced changed, more than subtly. Obviously. So he didn't have very good control. And in the beginning he didn't try very hard to have control, either, because I honestly believe at this time, anyway, because I have no evidence to the contrary, I believe that he didn't think I'd ever be a threat to his chastity. Somehow I believe he thought he was impervious. I have to admit I was mousier, in the beginning, I'd learned to become that again, in my beaten-up emotional state. And he knows a beaten woman when he sees one, let's be realistic about this. he knew what he was doing, on some level he had to have known. All the signs were there, it was too obvious.
And me, being so used to male-egocentricities and feeding into them, allowed him, I allowed him to get away with it to a point where my tolerance snapped, and I snapped, in a way, as well.These things are all true, I don't know why I never admitted it to my consciousness like this before. Well, I did. I was just afraid to say it, I was so afraid to say everything. But I'm not scared anymore. I might be dead someday soon because I can imagine a psychopathic type of person would want to do me in after this, and maybe that sounds paranoid, but stranger things have happened. That's certain.
This guy when I think about it, really, kind of scares me.
But I have to maintain more control. He's hurt me already, and I somehow was able to help myself in spite of him. In spite of him, and he knows it, he acknowledged it to me after termination, once, in his office, standing there at his counter. He said that, he said, "No, you made it work for you," in response to my statement that whatever he'd done, in spite of all the pain it was causing me, it was helping it make me better.What I'm finding really interesting about all of this is that in finding this therapist, in finding someone and wanting to attach to him so much, I've exactly repeated the abusive patterns in my relationships with my father and my two exes, all men in my life. I found probably one of the few men in town who really do silently and stealthily, VERY stealthily, prey on women. My God.
It's eerie, it's not something I've created, it's real. This guy may think he has good intentions, that's what is really scary. To be that unaware.. is he? I really have to wonder about that.
poster:Susan47
thread:492110
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/495088.html