Posted by Susan47 on May 6, 2005, at 13:02:02
In reply to Re: ReFeeling sexual, Me too (whine) » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on May 5, 2005, at 23:56:18
I said it to you another way on another board, I think, but the thing is, Alex, that honestly, I always knew he could be trusted with that. That even if he were attracted to a female patient, he might want to be a man, you know, but he wouldn't. He'd always be able to stop himself. I thought that anyway until I caught him staring at my boobs, which are not substantial, not at all, and always tucked in, you know? But this fascination on his face was unmistakable, and hilarious and really shocking, because I've honest to God never in my life EVER seen a guy with a look like that on his face, it was really revealing. So I thought, okay he's having a fascinating thought running through his mind right now, don't know what it is exactly, but he's honest. Look at that, that's honesty right there on his face. Boom. Then he caught himself and he got back to reality, it was like a line was drawn in his mind, and he looked like his usual molded self.
But the fact, you know, that a person could allow themself to be this comfortable in my presence, this open, that he would let a private thought just come up without consciously hiding it, well, that was nice.
But disconcerting.
Because I'm thinking, whoa, have I said too much? Have I revealed too much about myself, somehow, that now he thinks I'm a slut?
And I felt like a slut for a second. Really. And I had to pull hard, really really hard, to try and pull him back in my mind, from having done that.
I created all kinds of possible scenarios to justify the look he gave me. And for a long time I hassled him about the looks on his face at diferent times.
Oh, man.
This is really what it was all about, not all of it, but a lot of it. And it all must have to do with me.
poster:Susan47
thread:492110
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/494549.html