Posted by Anemone on July 13, 2011, at 15:20:19
In reply to Re: T has always been good, now is stupid butthead » Anemone, posted by Dinah on July 12, 2011, at 19:52:04
Hi Dinah,
It helps me so much to hear from you. I know you understand about T feelings.
I'm glad your T is trying and admitted he was acting out of character. I hope he always remembers that you are a client and treats you right, and hopefully the space between you stays like how it should. I'm still getting to know your story, and I'm only up to 2005ish. I am glad your T is more patient with you now, it sounds like you work so hard in therapy.
Thank you for your advice for asking about my T's role, I followed your advice today. I broke down last night and called her for an appt, now I just got back and feel so dizzy from sobbing all the way home.
So I asked what she was trying to accomplish with her pushing and nagging. She said she didn't know how exactly, but it came from a place inside her, and she wanted to show me her frustrated self, to break her role as always pleasant and perfect.
Her answer didn't satisfy me. I was still upset because it seemed like she didn't understand how badly it hurt to have her push me the way my mom does.
So I took out a big kitchen knife and stood up in front of her and said some stuff, probably, "What's wrong with you? Why did you say that stuff to me? Did you think it was funny to push my buttons to see if I get mad? How about I stab you with a knife to test if it hurts? You are making therapy not safe for me."
I'm not sure if I said all of the above, because I was too shocked, usually I am soft and gentle. This was the first time I got mad at my T. She looked at me and said something about anger, but I shaking so couldn't remember what. I felt embarrassed for taking out a knife, but still mad and really hoped a knife would get her attention and communicate how much her comments hurt.
For the whole session we struggled to understand each other.
At the end of it, she eventually realized her nagging came from her frustration with herself, for not helping/reaching me enough. She needed to hear from me that I was doing very well, opening my store and getting accomplished, so she could feel good about herself as a therapist. Her nagging came from a part of her that fell into the role of my IRL-mother, concerned and impatient.
Also told me she is suddenly showing more of her negative feelings because she thinks I have grown and can now handle knowing more of her real self, to deepen our relationship. Her new self confused me, I have never seen those sides of her before.
Even though I miss having her as a warm-fuzzy soothing mommy, I guess this is OK. Still crying too much to think clearly. As long as she didn't mean to hurt me and doesn't hate me, I feel hope.
I cried all the way home, I've been holding it in for a month, the fear that I am bad and she is frustrated with me and no longer wants me. I need her to think I'm good and be proud of me.
My T is a long term kind of T. So I will have time to work on these things.Anemone
poster:Anemone
thread:990829
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/990930.html