Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2011, at 19:52:04
In reply to Re: T has always been good, now is stupid butthead » Dinah, posted by Anemone on July 12, 2011, at 17:19:01
This latest time, he was really acting out of character. I know it was partly that we'd gotten into a cycle of my being critical of him and him reacting badly to it. And also the therapeutic frame had gotten a bit bent, and it sometimes felt a bit more like friend to friend than therapist to client. I don't pay my friends. But it was more than that. He wasn't the therapist I know. He admits in retrospect that he wasn't himself, and was acting out of character. He reminds me that I shouldn't think of that time in our therapy out of the context of our many years together.
I'm not sure if he thought about it when I was away, and made changes to correct it. Or if the break reminded him that I was a client, and deserved better of him. Or maybe he handled whatever was going on in his private life or with his brain. But eventually I went to a session and it just felt right again. He was sitting where he was supposed to sit, and so was I (metaphorically speaking). It felt like it was supposed to feel in the space between us. It's stayed that way for the most part for the last few weeks.
I think I have been trying more than usual to please him, and have been more focused in my goals - even offering homework at times. But he's also been trying himself, so I guess it evens out.
Could the issue between you be that you are seeing her as a person in your life who sees and hears you, who offers you caring and support and stability? While she might not define her role that way? My therapist is mainly a short term behavioral sort of therapist, who really had a hard time accepting that that was not what I needed. I think now he sees the big changes in me that therapy has brought over time, and is more patient in his approach. But your average therapist might not see therapy the way you do. She may see her role as facilitating change in you in the quickest way possible. In which case, she might have decided that what you need is a bit of a shock, a bit of tough love. I don't know for sure. But I know these sort of disputes in my own therapy have come from this.
If it is so, what I think you need to do is to have a session where you ask her how she sees her role, and what she thinks therapy should be. Ask her what she is needing from you. And if she answers "nothing" point out that she seems very invested in having you set up this store sooner than you are invested in setting it up. Tell her how you see her role in your life. If you don't want her to fix you up in a hurry, so that you won't need to see her anymore, let her know.
I wish I could say I know it will be a good or productive session. It might well not be, depending on what sort of therapist she is. It took a lot of struggle with my own therapist, and he's not the sort to draw a line in the sand or anything. Some therapists might be. With that in mind, I guess it might be good to approach it cautiously, and first see how she sees her own role.
Right now she really seems to feel some urgency to change you. That rarely works out well if you aren't feeling the same motivation. It might at least help if you realized her overall opinions, and can adjust your expectations and interpretations based on what she says.
I'm sorry to say that I think any feelings of a therapist being the love of one's life are bound to be unrequited. Or at least not reciprocal. I often tell my therapist that it is very scary for me to know that I care about him much more than he cares about me. He doesn't deny the reality of that. He just says that even if it's true, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about me a lot. Just not as much. And not in the same way.
It is scary. It is terrifying to rely so much on someone without ties of blood or love. The likelihood is that we'll be hurt many times. In small ways, and sometimes very large ways.
poster:Dinah
thread:990829
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/990851.html