Posted by workinprogress on December 30, 2008, at 1:35:20
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » workinprogress, posted by seldomseen on December 29, 2008, at 15:37:15
> Thank you for your post.
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No! thank you!! Thank you all. It was helpful to have validation during such a hard time!
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> Personally, I don't think there is any worse or better when it comes to abuse and neglect, it's all bad. I'm sorry you are experiencing what you are/have.************
I get this... I really get intellectually that my emotional neglect was incredibly damaging, but can't quite get there in terms of putting it in the same place as physical, or particularly sexual abuse. I think actually, that's part of why this little trip was so important to me. I got to feel the pain of that neglect and understand it's depth and reach. I don't think I did before. I think might have understood that pain a little more clearly and quickly with the other two forms of abuse... I might not have had to rexperience it to understand, if that makes any sense. All guesswork certainly and I certainly don't pretend to understand other peoples' experiences... just trying to make sense of mine.
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> My brother has never apologized to me. Although he did say he never intended to injury me the way he did.************
Did he bring up past injury or did you? So, he admitted, but didn't apologize? How did the conversation come up? My brother actually took a turn for the better on this trip. This time, instead of lashing back at him, I was reduced to a sobbing puddle. In public, at 34, outside the in and out burger. SOBBING!!! I got him to listen to me. And, while he said he didn't do anything... I think it sunk in, bc he was better the rest of the trip. We'll see...
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> We don't talk much about growing up, although we do talk about how crazy mom and dad are. We are never going to have that "great" conversation where we mutually acknowledge what we went through and mutually grieve each other.
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> He's still way too shut off from that and will likely remain that way. The word abuse will never come up.
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> Gosh, I make it sound like we are two predators circling each other, but it's not like that at all. It's actually quite an uncomplicated detente.
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> I have been able to explain to his wife why some of the things that my brother does are just so weird. He also way overreacts to certain things, and I helped her to understand that as well.
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> I also love my brother's kids. Absolutely adore them and they have done so much to bring us back together.****************
I pray my brother doesn't procreate! I don't wish that on innocent children. That sounds tongue in cheek, it is a bit, but it's mostly real. I hope he doesn't, but imagine he will. Not sure what I will do at that time. Not sure I can watch it happen. Ugh... makes me shudder to think of it. Is your brother good with his kids?
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> I'm not convinced, and it sounds like you aren't either, that you and your brother will come to an understanding. As long as he is hurting you, you obviously can't.***********
No. totally not convinced. Here's the kicker though. I still can't figure out if they're right. I know they're not. I know I feel what I feel. And I know that's the crux of the whole issue, that they've always said it was me who was wrong. But god da**, I'm still sitting here thinking, maybe they're right... maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe all this time, he's not like he used to be and I'm just expecting it. Maybe I'm the jerk, not him. Maybe he's right...And I know that's just the old messages and doubts talking, but they're persuasive. I can't wait until I just know.. just feel confident in me and don't question.
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> You're absolutely right in that he most likely won't ever "get" emotional neglect or come to terms with his pain.
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> However, you really never know what might happen and people can surprise you sometimes.
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This is true. And while I'm not holding my breath, I did learn on this trip that I should keep an open mind. I think not doing so has resulted in me jumping on him when it isn't fair. I look for the worst and find it sometimes. I really would like to flip that on its head, assume the best of people... even my brother!
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> All you can do, and it sounds like you know, is work through your own stuff and let them carry what is theirs.*********
so so very true. I keep trying... it's all we can do. Thanks Seldom, I really appreciate it!
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> Seldom.
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poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871378.html