Posted by DAisym on December 27, 2008, at 0:26:57
In reply to Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support!, posted by workinprogress on December 26, 2008, at 23:40:52
I bet many of us could have written all or part of your post. Trying to reconcile what we are learning about boundaries and feelings in therapy with real-life family situations is tough.
I think only you can answer if this is progress or not. I think sometimes we imagine that there is this magical place we are going to get to by doing all this work on ourselves and in understanding our history and its impact on us. But understanding doesn't always bring relief. In fact, it can make it much tougher to tolerate our families and their quirks. For myself, it makes me lonely often, even in the midst of a big family. And sometimes I chuckle - I think, "and *I'm* the one who is in therapy around here??"
I think you must ask yourself two things. One is - What is your primary goal for yourself? What do you want to be able to do about your brother's remarks? It is important to realize that just because you are willing to own your own "stuff" doesn't mean he will ever be. We can't do the therapy work for our whole family. He will probably always consider his remarks as harmless joking, no matter what you say to him. So you have to ask yourself how often and why you are willing to put yourself within ear-shot. This is really difficult - protecting yourself might mean less contact with your family. It is hard to love them and hate how they treat you. It is hard to want to see one of them - or just your parents, or whatever - if the family comes as a package. For what it is worth - I doubt that your brother's remarks will ever cease to sting. When you are a sensitive person, you feel it. No matter how much you tell yourself it doesn't matter, it does and it will hurt. I know for me, I'm working on acknowledging and accepting my own feelings, without it dragging me down for days and days. And I'm working on knowing it isn't my problem - it is theirs - it is my hurt, but not my fault. That is a huge shift. I think it is unrealistic to ever think we can ever do enough work in therapy so that our families don't hurt us, because being in touch with our feelings means feeling the hurt too. But we can do enough work to not question ourselves or offer ourselves up or be a martyr.
The other question is about love. What will you need to feel love from your family? And how are they receiving your love - and have you been able to check out your perceptions? I *know* my family loves me. They are all doing the best they can. But they don't show me the way I wish they would sometimes, especially my mom. And sometimes they don't understand me either. I think I've shown someone how much I care and they haven't received the message the way I intended. So finding a way to check in is important when we are trying to change or rebuild family relationships.
I don't know if any of this post makes much sense. I know how hard it can be to really try to be open and appropriate with family members, to tell them they are hurting your feelings and then to run up against the same old wall - they turn it into all about you. But I'm not sure therapy can ever fix that - it can just help you change your response a bit. And this would be progress, IMO.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Did anything go well?
poster:DAisym
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870977.html