Posted by workinprogress on December 28, 2008, at 10:36:04
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » workinprogress, posted by seldomseen on December 28, 2008, at 7:36:43
> WIP,
> I'm so sorry that all this is going on. Our situations sound very very similar in regards to our older brothers. Even the age difference between us is the same.********
Yes and no I would say. First, I would say it sounds like your abuse was much much much more profound and well, abusive. I am so sorry seldom. How horrible to grow up like that. My heart goes out to you and especially little seldom.. But yes, my brother was an abuser, the most obvious one and the easiest one to blame. The only one I am angry at thus far.
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> Mine was horribly abusive to me as well. He seemed to adopt my mother's self-centeredness and my father's violent temper. When I was in my 20's he physically attacked me. I suffered a broken hip from his assault. This is no exaggeration, he ran me down and attacked me. It happened at home, in front of parents even, and no one did anything except drive me to the hospital. My mother even told me I had it coming (she is a lovely lady).********
wow, beyond the pale. In our adulthood it's all been verbal.
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> Needless to say, I viewed my brother as one of my primary abusers.
>
> What sucked is that there were so many positive things that we did together as children. We got the chicken pox at the same time and scratched each other because our lives were threatened if we scratched ourselves. We would both hide from our parents when our "chores" (really slave labor) weren't done. We would both watch and act out Saturday morning cartoons.***********
I don't actually recall any loving, fun moments between my brother and I growing up. I remember two nice things... one a compliment he gave me and the other protecting me from the neighborhood bully. He only bullied me, was pretty wimpy otherwise.
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> I am in no way, shape or form defending your brother or his actions. But you wrote something very interesting and incredibly insightful in one of your posts.
>
> You wrote
> "He's a mama's boy. And I think he grew up thinking I stole mom's love- so he had to annihilate me in order to get it. The truth was neither of us get it, she's completely shut down. If you talk about hard emotions to her she ignores you, pretends she didn't hear. It's AMAZING!"
>
> It sounds to me as though you both suffered - a lot at the hands of your mother. He turned his suffering outward, you turned yours inward.********
This is absolutely right. However, I'm only just understanding it. I didn't know it until therapy (just my brother, not my mom and dad's neglect). And I think it's only this trip that I finally BELIEVE my T when she says it's just as bad, maybe worse than physical abuse. I finally believe her because, I FEEL it. My T talks about feeling memories. Does that FEEL familiar? The primary incident this time, where I was reduced to hysteria, he denied, and I was told I was too sensitive... all felt VERY familiar. And, this time, instead of just intellectually observing the lact of emotional connection and engagement, the public shaming for being incorrect, and the putting down of everyone by my brother, I let myself *feel* it (having learned to start feeling again after years of coping by pushing it away). Feeling it was key to understanding it. Key to empathizing and really getting what my T was talking about and understanding how much healing there is to do.
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>
> Of all the persons on the planet, I know I am most, in a real way, closely linked genetically and emotionally to him, my sibling. Looking back, we were both victims of what went on in that house. He was a witness to what happened to me, and I was a witness to what happened to him.
>
> It breaks my heart to think about what happened to me as a child, it is compounded when I think that it happened to my brother as well.
>
> Now, having spewed all of this, I wouldn't even try to reach out to your brother at this point. Obviously he is still acting out and I think it would only lead to more hurt on your part. You may dig around and find that there really is nothing there on which to build a relationship. He may be too far gone.
>********
yes and the narcissism (have I said that?) totally gets in the way of self-reflection. He I think got dealt the worse hand in this deal, but I'm not sure he'll ever know it. This is all compounded by the fact that generally, unless you go to therapy (which I can't imagine he ever would) you aren't really going to get emotional neglect. The pain of not *feeling* love/loved. I *know* my mother loves me, but I have *never* felt it. And I doubt I ever will. She isn't capable. She is a victim too. But, back to my brother, I imagine he would tell me I was stupid, but mostly ungrateful, for trying to say any of this about my parents. It doesn't matter that I didn't feel it, they show us all the time. They buy us things, she martyrs herself, etc. He doesn't let himself feel, so he doesn't understand. Something drastic would have to happen for him to take a look in the way he'd need to to get it.Does that make sense?
******************> However, slowly, over the course of several years, my brother and I have developed a relationship - a good one for us. He still lashes out (especially when mom is around) and I call him on it. Sometimes I think I remind him of the pain he experienced.
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Good for you for calling him on it. Does he recognize it/admit fault? I'm curious as to how your relationship has developed. Has it been all about you forgiving? Is it a bound over the abuse? Does he talk about it? Has he apologized?
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> Things between us are much better when our parents are not around.************
I wonder about this, but I only see him once a year, when I feel like I *have* to, with my family for Christmas. Not sure I'm up for the experiment.... ;)
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> Have I forgiven him? I really don't know. I think I am working toward that. I've accepted him that's for sure.
>
> The undercurrent of our shared experience is still what irrevocably binds us together. We survived. As much as it pains me to say it, we have so much more in common that we do different.***************
You should be proud of yourself seldom. You've done some big, hard work to get where you are. I can tell. Thank you so much for sharing with me.WIP
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> Seldom.
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poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871143.html