Posted by workinprogress on December 27, 2008, at 21:37:53
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support!, posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 1:03:07
> You have my support. I have a sibling who treated me horribly growing up, and everyone in my family will attest to that. But nobody ever tried to stop my sibling. Why? I don't know; maybe they were afraid too, but that is not a justification. I was just a little girl who did nothing to warrant this abuse.
*********
My father and I have talked about it... and my brother's ex says my mom has talked about it, but never to me. And my dad and I didn't broach the subject until the ex told me and I brought it up. Until then (I was 30 I think) I had no idea they ever saw it. He's a classic narcissist by the way. He told his ex that school came first, his job second, and she fit in there somewhere. He is growing up a bit, but not a ton. He's a mama's boy. And I think he grew up thinking I stole mom's love- so he had to annihilate me in order to get it. The truth was neither of us get it, she's completely shut down. If you talk about hard emotions to her she ignores you, pretends she didn't hear. It's AMAZING!
********>
> My situation is a little different in that my sibling has stopped the abuse; instead, the abuse has been papered over with loving kindness, which is almost harder to take, wanting a relationship now while I am not in a position to forgive. I've come to an understanding of the motives behind this behavior, but it doesn't change that it happened. I'm not ready to forgive, and it doesn't help that this person is truly mentally ill now and couldn't withstand any sort of attack I could mount if I felt I wanted to take them on. But I don't want to do that; it would open a pandora's box that would change the dynamic of our family, which is not my place at the moment to be doing.*************
That's interesting. Was the sibling ill growing up? I get not being ready to forgive. My brother IS somewhat better. Now he does things without knowing, whereas growing up it was more conscious. And I DO read into it, it feels like PTSD. My brother admitted the childhood abuse (although he wouldn't call it that, thinks it was normal sibling stuff) and thinks I should get over it. Never apologized. That was then, we're adults, get over it.
****************>
> I'm sorry your trip was so difficult, but you were brave, braver than I could ever be to try to say something to stop it.
>
> I agree with Daisy. You can't change your brother's behavior; you can only change how you respond to it. You are finding validation with your T that your feelings are right, and that's a great step forward.
>
> Progress? IMO, a huge "yes!", mainly because I admire you for dealing with the feelings and not intellectualizing them like I do and rarely getting to the feelings. It has taken me years to feel. I'm not kidding, and how pathetic is that? It has been the only way I could cope. I'm not saying I haven't cried or expressed sadness, anger, whatever, but getting to the root of my feelings has been extremely difficult, and I've been in therapy for years and years!
*******
Thank you Antigua! That is very lovely of you to notice! I appreciate it. It has been a LOT of work. And yeah, I think, as you can see in my other responses, it is progress. I'm understanding me more and that is good. And the more I feel the more I can move through and grow I think. I too intellectualize, that's what was valued, but I try hard to feel these days, but still push back.
************
>
> Yes, it hurts, and you do have to find a balance between feeling and coping, and learning to live life. You will find a way; you're just so mired in the feelings right now, you're having a hard time finding a way to cope. You will find a way; you will get better, I really believe that.
>
> take care of yourself. That's really important. Find ways to soothe yourself when you are overcome by the feelings. Constructive ways to cope--not destructive, like I did for decades--but ways that make you feel good about yourself and the progress you're making. Give yourself credit for trying. It is so very, very difficult.
> antigua********
I try to write. I try to let myself feel. And I know this is just the hardest place I will be in general. Family is the biggest challenge. And it's once a year... The biggest thing is to give myself a break and make sure I'm not unconsciously blaming myself. That's the challenge. How do you cope now? Thank you for your support and encouragement, it means a lot!WIP
************
poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871103.html