Posted by workinprogress on December 26, 2008, at 23:40:52
So. I'm the black sheep of the family for the most part. I'm the feeling/emotional/sensitive one amongst the analytical flock. My dad is more like me... but I'm 34 and he's 82- a generation behind the sensitive new age guy, so he's learned to put it away. Last year I asked him, do you ever feel it's not ok to have emotions in our family? His response: It's like living in a family of veloceraptors, the first sign of weakness and they attack.
So, the biggest perpetrator, my older brother. His mantra for me growing up: "you're fat and ugly and have no friends". My parents, they know that he was HORRIBLE to me, beyond sibling rivalry- they told this to his then girlfriend (now ex) but never to me. I thought I was an alien. They NEVER stopped it. I got the message that I was too sensitive, too emotional, too much! Basically, feelings weren't ok. I was emotionally neglected. Or so I'm coming to understand.
When my therapist and I discuss it, she says "I wouldn't treat my dog that way". She says "You came to me starving for love". I *never* FELT love from a parental figure until her. I've been learning all the ways this has affected me. I turn on myself at every opportunity. You are too sensitive. You are too emotional. You are too needy. You need too much love. You'll never get enough, etc.
So... now, I'm in therapy and making tons of progress. Last year I'd only been going 9 months. I melted down at the last minute. My goal this year was to not melt down. To not reduce myself to the 12 year old. Well... here's the deal though. The other thing I've been working on this year is actually *feeling*. So, while T and I worked on strategies, I'm just overwhelmed with *feeling*. Sadness, heartache, loneliness. I'm in a room with 3 other people. Nobody's asked me about me, nobody's used a feeling word, I'm invisible, interchangeable.
Then... today, predictable bullying and dismissiveness from my brother. For some reason I can't ignore. I try to address. When this happens I feel.... But no. He didn't mean it. I'm expecting the worst, assuming the worst, I shouldn't feel that, etc. It's my fault. Which... could be true... I know I am triggered easily and assume the worst. And I owned that. BUT, he was unwilling to own any of his impact on me. It was all my fault. And my dad said I was too sensitive. And my mom ignored. And I am alone.
I am alone.
I am alone in feeling.
I am left to try not to tell myself I am bad for having feelings.
It is all so familiar. I understand now, so much more, what my T was trying to get me to understand about my life growing up. Maybe this is a case of harder before it gets easier. But, even though I feel I've grown a lot, I've spent my trip crying, as much for my little girl as for me. I've always hated these trips, BUT....
they've NEVER made me cry.
Is that progress????
WIP?
poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870975.html