Posted by workinprogress on January 2, 2009, at 13:15:55
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » workinprogress, posted by lucie lu on December 29, 2008, at 11:03:37
Thanks Lucie. I'm going to respond within your message to make sure to hit all your points. I went to therapy this week- first a two hour session (she had extra time and recognized my rough visit), then the next day for an hour when I realized I didn't get what I need the first visit. Turns out I was afraid to open up to her after the family visit... maybe afraid of a similar checked out reaction. What I really wanted was to feel loved and connected, but instead I intellectualized everything and we had an intellectual discussion. When I went back in I asked her to push and she did... and we got to the feelings and I got what I needed.
> WIP,
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> There is little more I can add to what other posters have said about the family constellation and all the pain it has caused you. I'm very glad that you have your father, who seems to be a bright light in the darkness for you. I can't add specific insights from that experience because it's quite different from mine, although you have had lots of empathy from others who have shared your experience. However, I can say something about meltdowns and worries about progress in therapy :) I know that is very important to you - you chose the name after all - and those worries can compound everything you're feeling.**************
Yes, dad is generally pretty good and makes things easier. He's quite a bit older than my mom, not sure what I'll do when he's gone. Yes... progress in therapy. My new year's resolution is to be about the journey not the destination. I'm realizing this isn't a linear thing and that the fact that I feel like "I'm back where I was 6 months ago doesn't mean I've gone backwards, but just that I needed to go through another round of this piece, but maybe deeper or from a different angle". that's what I'm telling myself at least.
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> What happens when we get triggered is that are transported through time and space to something that doesnt exist anymore, our own pasts. Especially for people with abuse histories and PTSD and related issues, and perhaps with everyone to some degree, when we fall down that worm hole we feel exactly the same emotions we did then and from the same painful provocations that existed then. Sometimes we react in the same ways and take similar actions; other times we can let our adult parts carry at least some of the burden of the old feelings. Your dilemma, after a year and a half of what sounds like very productive therapy, may be to avoid falling down the worm-hole while also retaining the ability to feel rather than dissociating or walling yourself off emotionally. That is a lot to ask of yourself but is a great goal. That you are even at the point of experiencing such a dilemma speaks to all the great progress you have made in therapy up to this point. So theres a lot to feel good about in this department. I am really happy that you and your T are doing such good work together.*********************
That is a perfect way to describe it. I thought I was totally ready to do it with ease, but not so much. Triggers are powerful. T and I decided that when I could differentiate from my brother that would be nirvana... the holy grail. ;) I do it perfectly with my ex, but my brother is a whole different story. And yes, we are a fabulous team and I do believe we've made lots of progress and have done good work. Unfortunately, I've been holding on too tight to that destination thing... is it all figured out now? Hence the journey resolution. Don't know why I'm in such a hurry anyway, I'm so attached I don't plan on ever leaving....
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> When I feel the strong pull of the past like that, especially at highly charged times like holidays, I still have to work to avoid getting caught up in it to some degree. For me, losses are especially evocative and Im afraid I dont always feel strong enough to resist my triggers. I do find that getting enough sleep and feeling well rested, plus keeping moderate on the holiday alcohol, helps a surprising amount in keeping my mood and state of mind steadier. For people in my life who are being problematic, the best consolation is that usually I still can walk away and do something for myself, plus I have a lot of great support, including my T and babble, that I didnt have then. Also I remember that these people, viewed completely through today eyes are typically not the dreaded figures of our past; more often they are just people, maybe who behave as jerks or those who you wouldnt exactly choose to be with, but thats quite a difference from the ogres of the past as we experienced them (with good reason). I find that for me it is not even worth the effort of trying to reconcile the two experiences of them maybe Ill get there some day with people it is important to do so with and just try to look at them as much as possible with present eyes. Maybe it does remove me in a sense from the situation but that doesnt seem maladaptive under the circumstances. Self care is such an important skill and that is always something I have to work on, it does not come easily to me.*******************
These are all very helpful thoughts. I think most of the time my brother isn't conscious of what he's doing. And it is only a few days out of the year, I am already working on thinking about how I can take better care of myself next time. Like not staying with them the whole time or spending some of the time with friends in the area or something.
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> I hope you realize that by looking more at things to help with present-day survival tactics, I am not trying to discount in any way your history. And it has, at least in part, made you who you are today, and from where I sit, you are a very warm, intelligent, and lovely person with a ton of things going for you. I am just suggesting that you remember that as an adult, you can try to recognize that worm hole in time and space for what it is and see if that helps to keep you from slipping down it. I think that viewpoint is a potentially useful self-care strategy. Anything that keeps us anchored in the present helps to protect us from the past. Easier said than done I know, but maybe something to work toward. And we are all works in progress.***************
Thank you so much for your kind words and compliments Lucie, they are much appreciated... I don't feel discounted at all. Strategies to take care of myself and find safety and groundedness are critical. And I do think you hit it on the head in terms of the worm hole- staying out of it but not shutting down. It's a challenge, but I can imagine a day... ;)Thanks again, I think I'll put a copy of your post in my email to reflect back on next year.
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> Hugs,
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> Lucie
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poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871937.html