Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 30, 2008, at 16:43:15
In reply to Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support!, posted by workinprogress on December 26, 2008, at 23:40:52
Workinprogress,
I've read your post a couple of times and like those who have already replied, it hits rather close to home - maybe that's why I felt some resistance in replying - actually it made me really think about my own family dynamic. It brought home the inequality in the way I was treated in relation to my brother growing up. I was the 2nd child in both senses of the word. It brought up a memory of when I was 11. My brother was 15 and had a French exchange come to stay for a month (he later went to France for a month). We lived in a tiny house and there was no room for my brother's 'guest' so for a month during the summer holidays I had to live at the neighbour's house instead. As much as I recall, she rarely was home - she would get back in the middle of the night. Her house was dirty - she had a cat that always threw up so there was dried cat sick all over the place - the cat made good company though.
I have to say there are several parallels with what you write. In my case, my mother was my 'abuser', my father has always been passive and detached although he was the one I was closest to. I could relate to him (or rather he could to me to some extent) but he was often emotionally absent - I think his switching-off was (is) his way of dealing with my mother's terrifying anger attacks. My brother was very close to my mother - an ally - and to some extent enabled her and encouraged her in her abuse of me. If I did something 'wrong' he would report back to her, for example, and then watch as she punished me. Strangely, when he was the one in trouble, I would stick up for him or would cover for him.
I have spent the last two Christmas's with my boyfriend's family, which has saved a lot of the pain you seem to be going through. You don't deserve to be treated the way they are treating you, and something I've personally realised is that even though I can change and heal, it's a separate matter whether they will change and learn to respect/accept me - all those years I assumed there was something I could do to make them change the way they were toward me; "if only I do this... then she might love me", but now I realise that is just not how it works and that acceptance has helped a great deal - now I feel free to do things for me, rather than for 'them'.
In my case, I'm never going to confront them for what's happened (I did talk a little with my father a year or so ago and in a way he accepted some of it but not without much denial and excuses) - I just have to stand on my two feet and weather whatever they have to offer without losing sight of who I really am - that doesn't mean letting people hurt you, but rather keeping good boundaries and realising you are an adult, not their child and in that sense you now have the same control as they do (I'm a bit afraid that might come across as patronising but that isn't at all how I mean it). In a way, by undermining you, your brother is trying to assume control over you - he has no right to do that.
Of course you are not bad for 'feeling' - you are human for feeling. It's not normal for a family to suppress their feelings. It's also not normal for your adult brother to treat you with such disrespect and I'm only sorry he is unable to see that for himself. What is important is that you see that and have the power to take control of the situation. It sounds like you have been doing great work with your therapist and that you have found someone who can hopefully make up in some way for the pain and loss of your childhood.
Be easy on yourself - it's ok to be you :) and yes, you are definitely making progress.If you are still with your family, I hope you can hang on until this is over.
((((WIP))))))Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871453.html