Posted by workinprogress on December 30, 2008, at 1:39:17
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » workinprogress, posted by lucie lu on December 29, 2008, at 11:03:37
Lucie-
Thanks for your thoughtful response. It gives me much to ponder... I'm going to respond more fully tomorrow, after therapy. I think I will have more useful insight after that. But again, thanks for your reassurance and thoughtfulness...
WiP
> WIP,
>
> There is little more I can add to what other posters have said about the family constellation and all the pain it has caused you. I'm very glad that you have your father, who seems to be a bright light in the darkness for you. I can't add specific insights from that experience because it's quite different from mine, although you have had lots of empathy from others who have shared your experience. However, I can say something about meltdowns and worries about progress in therapy :) I know that is very important to you - you chose the name after all - and those worries can compound everything you're feeling.
>
> What happens when we get triggered is that are transported through time and space to something that doesnt exist anymore, our own pasts. Especially for people with abuse histories and PTSD and related issues, and perhaps with everyone to some degree, when we fall down that worm hole we feel exactly the same emotions we did then and from the same painful provocations that existed then. Sometimes we react in the same ways and take similar actions; other times we can let our adult parts carry at least some of the burden of the old feelings. Your dilemma, after a year and a half of what sounds like very productive therapy, may be to avoid falling down the worm-hole while also retaining the ability to feel rather than dissociating or walling yourself off emotionally. That is a lot to ask of yourself but is a great goal. That you are even at the point of experiencing such a dilemma speaks to all the great progress you have made in therapy up to this point. So theres a lot to feel good about in this department. I am really happy that you and your T are doing such good work together.
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> When I feel the strong pull of the past like that, especially at highly charged times like holidays, I still have to work to avoid getting caught up in it to some degree. For me, losses are especially evocative and Im afraid I dont always feel strong enough to resist my triggers. I do find that getting enough sleep and feeling well rested, plus keeping moderate on the holiday alcohol, helps a surprising amount in keeping my mood and state of mind steadier. For people in my life who are being problematic, the best consolation is that usually I still can walk away and do something for myself, plus I have a lot of great support, including my T and babble, that I didnt have then. Also I remember that these people, viewed completely through today eyes are typically not the dreaded figures of our past; more often they are just people, maybe who behave as jerks or those who you wouldnt exactly choose to be with, but thats quite a difference from the ogres of the past as we experienced them (with good reason). I find that for me it is not even worth the effort of trying to reconcile the two experiences of them maybe Ill get there some day with people it is important to do so with and just try to look at them as much as possible with present eyes. Maybe it does remove me in a sense from the situation but that doesnt seem maladaptive under the circumstances. Self care is such an important skill and that is always something I have to work on, it does not come easily to me.
>
> I hope you realize that by looking more at things to help with present-day survival tactics, I am not trying to discount in any way your history. And it has, at least in part, made you who you are today, and from where I sit, you are a very warm, intelligent, and lovely person with a ton of things going for you. I am just suggesting that you remember that as an adult, you can try to recognize that worm hole in time and space for what it is and see if that helps to keep you from slipping down it. I think that viewpoint is a potentially useful self-care strategy. Anything that keeps us anchored in the present helps to protect us from the past. Easier said than done I know, but maybe something to work toward. And we are all works in progress.
>
> Hugs,
>
> Lucie
>
poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871379.html