Posted by seldomseen on December 28, 2008, at 7:36:43
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » antigua3, posted by workinprogress on December 27, 2008, at 21:37:53
WIP,
I'm so sorry that all this is going on. Our situations sound very very similar in regards to our older brothers. Even the age difference between us is the same.Mine was horribly abusive to me as well. He seemed to adopt my mother's self-centeredness and my father's violent temper. When I was in my 20's he physically attacked me. I suffered a broken hip from his assault. This is no exaggeration, he ran me down and attacked me. It happened at home, in front of parents even, and no one did anything except drive me to the hospital. My mother even told me I had it coming (she is a lovely lady).
Needless to say, I viewed my brother as one of my primary abusers.
What sucked is that there were so many positive things that we did together as children. We got the chicken pox at the same time and scratched each other because our lives were threatened if we scratched ourselves. We would both hide from our parents when our "chores" (really slave labor) weren't done. We would both watch and act out Saturday morning cartoons.
I am in no way, shape or form defending your brother or his actions. But you wrote something very interesting and incredibly insightful in one of your posts.
You wrote
"He's a mama's boy. And I think he grew up thinking I stole mom's love- so he had to annihilate me in order to get it. The truth was neither of us get it, she's completely shut down. If you talk about hard emotions to her she ignores you, pretends she didn't hear. It's AMAZING!"It sounds to me as though you both suffered - a lot at the hands of your mother. He turned his suffering outward, you turned yours inward.
Of all the persons on the planet, I know I am most, in a real way, closely linked genetically and emotionally to him, my sibling. Looking back, we were both victims of what went on in that house. He was a witness to what happened to me, and I was a witness to what happened to him.
It breaks my heart to think about what happened to me as a child, it is compounded when I think that it happened to my brother as well.
Now, having spewed all of this, I wouldn't even try to reach out to your brother at this point. Obviously he is still acting out and I think it would only lead to more hurt on your part. You may dig around and find that there really is nothing there on which to build a relationship. He may be too far gone.
However, slowly, over the course of several years, my brother and I have developed a relationship - a good one for us. He still lashes out (especially when mom is around) and I call him on it. Sometimes I think I remind him of the pain he experienced.
Things between us are much better when our parents are not around.
Have I forgiven him? I really don't know. I think I am working toward that. I've accepted him that's for sure.
The undercurrent of our shared experience is still what irrevocably binds us together. We survived. As much as it pains me to say it, we have so much more in common that we do different.
Seldom.
poster:seldomseen
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871131.html