Posted by workinprogress on December 27, 2008, at 21:25:26
In reply to Re: Holidays and Family (LONG) but would LOVE support! » workinprogress, posted by Sigismund on December 27, 2008, at 1:00:23
> I am rather taken with your father
>
> >My dad is more like me... Last year I asked him, do you ever feel it's not ok to have emotions in our family? His response: It's like living in a family of veloceraptors, the first sign of weakness and they attack.
>
> That is an extraordinary thing to say (because it is true?) and so I guess he feels if he had to toughen up to handle this world, you should too.
> At 82 he might not remember the depression, but he remembers WWII.*********
It is true. My brother and my mother attack when you have feelings. If you say something and are wrong, they put you down and laugh and basically call you stupid. Public shaming. On my father daughter trip my dad encouraged me to take a different way home than I was planning. He thought there was a shortcut... turns out you needed four wheel drive. He apologized REPEATEDLY and with much shame. I said repeatedly, no biggie, it's just a bit further. When he did so again, I said "dad, you're not with the half of the family that's going to beat you to a pulp for being wrong". But yes, I think he thinks (probably rightly) there's not much point in trying. And yes, toughen up. He doesn't know he's doing it and doesn't mean it and you're being overly sensitive. He literally said "your feelings are wrong". He's usually my savior, but he's of the school of thought that thinking is more reliable than feeling.
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> Forget your brother. From what you say I would write off (at least temporarily) that relationship and see it as a source of unavoidable suffering.*************
I did that long ago. Just trying to figure out how to survive these family outings. They are easier with a partner, but the last two I've been single, so no refuge.
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>
> My experience of family life has been that you can not rely on improvement, which if and when it comes, is either fortuitous or because of the death of some of the participants.
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> I'm interested in this
>
> >I've spent my trip crying, as much for my little girl as for me.
>
> Because life has to be like this?**********
Yeah, see my post to Daisy. Letting myself feel more helps me to understand and believe my T and the story we've put together of my childhood. You see, no physical abuse. No sexual abuse. No alcoholism. Upper middle class. On the outside, perfect family. But I grew up with no sense of self, no understanding of my feelings, a good bit of self loathing, etc. I am only just realizing it. I was emotionally neglected. I turned on myself. I was starving/am starving for love. I am only now feeling it from a parental figure for the first time. My T often says "I wouldn't treat my dog that way, it's worse than physical abuse". But, I didn't remember it that way... thought that was the way it was, coped, turned on myself, etc. And she painted a picture for me. Well, now, letting myself feel... that meant I got a glimpse of my life growing up. Of them pouncing on me for feelings. Of them turning on me. Of me learning to turn it on myself. I think it's good though, I think it's important to feel those things to understand it. So.. I think REALLY hard, but helpful.Thanks for responding...
WIP
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poster:workinprogress
thread:870975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871098.html