Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 28, 2008, at 20:09:25
A couple of months ago I took an overdose. At the time my T was upset/disappointed I had done this because we have a no-suicide contract together, which I broke.
Anyway, we still work together and for the most things are good, but since this event, every now and again he seems sharper/colder with me than he was before this happened. I have the feeling he harbors a resentment/hostility toward me because of my action. This he denies.
Last Friday we had a rupture of sorts. The idea of analytic therapy is to speak whatever comes to mind and at a certain point we got to the topic of military service. My partner didn't do military service because he can't hear high pitches and at that moment I wondered whether T had ever done military service so I asked him. I don't typically ask many questions but this just came to mind. Suddenly he was very sharp to me and told me that we wouldn't talk more on that. He rebuked me but he did it in a sharp and cold way. It was nothing really but already I had found him a bit short with me in the previous session and I was having problems in particular with this notion of speaking freely and always regretting the silly, pointless things I mention during session.
Anyway, this cold response from him triggered me and I started crying (again something I rarely do in therapy) and it was hard crying - the kind where your whole body shudders and shakes, where you can't easily breath. I couldn't stop and I couldn't speak - he wanted me to speak - he asked a couple of times "what's going on with you?". But that was it, he didn't offer me a tissue - in the end I managed to ask for one and had my hands over my face. This lasted for about 10 minutes and then the session came to an end. He said "Ok, it's time", stood up and walked to the door and opened it. I stood up but I couldn't stop crying. I was in such a state. I just froze, I couldn't move. So he just told me to leeave. At that moment his wife entered the house, into the hallway and lucky for me he had the decency to close the door of his office just as she entered through the front door. I think I would have died if she'd seen me there like that. I should add that his next patient wasn't due for another 15 minutes and there was no place else where I could go to pull myself back together.
So with no choice, I left the room (he didn't shake my hand and didn't say a word) and cycled to the station, still with soggy tissue in hand. I had to wait then 30 minutes for the train. Luckily there was an empty bench at the very end of the platform, so I went and sat there, still crying. It was a horrible experience for me.
That evening my partner persuaded me to phone him to talk - he said it would make it better. So I did and again he was sharp with me. I said I was upset after the session and found his treatment of me cold and he said "well you can think that but these are my rules - the 45 minutes was up and I wanted you to leave... if you want to come to see me, you have to accept my rules". He's never said anything like this before. There was nothing more to say, so I hung up.
Since Friday I've felt really down, not able to sleep, very tearful, suicidal thoughts. This has completely shattered my trust in him. I feel devastated. He means a great deal to me, I've put so much trust in him, yet how could he be so uncaring. For anyone, if they are upset they feel uncomfortable being seen in public, but if you have social anxiety, the idea is unthinkable, yet he sent me out and seemingly couldn't care less.
I saw him again for my session today. I decided to go and talk it through. We talked about it all, he accepted he was too sharp with me but would not say anything on how he ended the session but did at least hear me out. At one point he raised his voice which scared me - I told him I felt scared of him and unable to speak freely anymore - and that he'd done exactly what my mother always did - lul me into a false sense of security, get my defenses down, wait for me to trust and then snatch it all back again. Like pretending to be someone's friend, wait for them to tell you their secrets and then run off laughing shouting out to everyone what they just said.
He said I'd seen him 136 times and he isn't perfect, and that he made a mistake and it's a pity that my trust is so easily damaged and that I'm extremely sensitive. He asked why I couldn't see from the other 135 sessions that he is not like my mother. I agree to some extent but this felt like him downplaying what happened and how it felt to me. He wanted to talk about my anger toward him, which I didn't want to admit, and so I did agree that I was angry - that I found him a 'heartless bastard' but that it made me even more angry that he was somehow trying to twist an untherapeutic experience into something 'therapeutic'. I told him he had to learn to be softer with me when I'm upset, that it is a pity how distant he is during those moments. He sat there still in silence and when I looked, he had his hands on his head.
Sorry this is so long... well done to those still reading!
This afternoon I also had an appointment with my new Pdoc. With him I can be more open about my suicidal thoughts (the no suicide contract with T tends to just send that side of me underground and out of sight, which if anything is more dangerous - just the last session in another context my T said that "you're the one who's an expert on suicide" - every time the topic emerges, he makes some sarcastic comment like that or just says 'ah-ha'). My Pdoc was concerned and suggested one option is to join an intensive day programme - a bit like being an in-patient but only coming for treatment in the day time. He said with some it's possible to still study part-time as well as following the programme. He seemed to think this higher level of help might be necessary and suggested I talk it over with T. I didn't mention anything of the rupture with the Pdoc.
So, this is where things are for me right now. I don't really know what to do. The fact is, I care deeply about my T, I feel closely attached to him - yet, what happened has really had a big effect on me and I'm not sure how easily things can be restored. If I opt for a more intensive support/treatment by joining a day programme, I would have to discontinue seeing my pdoc and T, or at least while I was participating in the day programme, where they have their own therapists and pdocs.
Have any of you followed a day programme like this? I did some research and it could really help me, certainly with the periods where I'm very depressed. Have any of you had to face a decision like this? I've been seeing my T for a year and a half approx, twice weekly - to suddenly stop seeing him would be difficult, despite the recent rupture.
Thanks for reading.
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:859655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859655.html