Posted by Nadezda on October 29, 2008, at 15:05:33
In reply to Rupture in therapy (long), posted by Wittgensteinz on October 28, 2008, at 20:09:25
Hi, Witti.
I'm very sorry to hear about this really painful treatment by your T. As others have said, he seems to have some countertransference issues, and not to be dealing with them very effectively. Obviously, this is a situation that needs to be resolved pretty quickly, to prevent it from becoming a much more serious rupture, which I would hate to see.
I've always thought that a contract not to try to commit suicide, while it might be a useful, or practical thing in some ways, is a bit unrealistic, and--unless the consequences are made very concrete and explicit, is impossible to enforce. Unless your T thinks your ODing a "cry for help" and gives you other, truly helpful things to take the brunt of your despair, and to move you into more constructive actions, I don't understand how he can reasonably expect you to take a contract into consideration when you reach such a level of hopelessness. But it seems that the issue of your OD and his response to it needs to be addressed until he can "forgive" you, or move away from this resentment and need to punish you.
It's not fair to you-- or to his best intentions and caring. I think I agree that he needs supervision if he can't heal the rupture on his own. I do imagine, though, that manyTs, particularly experienced ones, are quite unlikely to seek supervision. It just isn't consistent with their idea of their professional dignity. I hope yours can either see his way to restoring the relationship, or to some realization that he does need a professional consult, at least.
I just feel very badly for you, having to go through this. I can imagine how lost and abandoned you feel, when someone who's been warm and who's encouraged you to trust and open up, turns away, and becomes stony. His lack of empathy at your tears is so awful. I can't imagine how that must feel, to have someone whom you've come to believe in be so rejecting.
As for your asking him about his military service. How absurd that he would respond harshly. There's absolutely nothing wrong with expressing curiosity and desire to know someone so important. Even if he feels that answering the question is not what you needed-- there's no reason for sharpness or any reproof. And his harshness also in telling you to leave was really uncalled for. I can imagine that he might be forced to end the time-- but not to be kind and to express regret that you and he don't have more time-- is positively heart-wrenching. As for his wife coming-- that must have felt shocking and awful. As you know, I have issues with the whole setup-- but still-- I can't believe he doesn't have some privacy around his actual consulting room. I don't mean to criticize your T, but something does seem out of kilter there to me.
So I understand why you're devastated.. But please, try to hang in there. You'll get through this. Ruptures, even deep ones, can be repaired. And you have a pdoc who seems as if he can act as a support in the crisis. Let him step in and provide a bridge, while you sort things out with your T. Even a crisis can be an opportunity to strengthen and deepen things.
I don't know if the day programme would be right for you-- especially as you'd have to stop seeing your T. But if you do feel as if you might harm yourself, I very much hope you do whatever's necessary to keep yourself from that step. If your T seems unrelenting, then I would consider the programme quite seriously- you can't leave yourself in such a vulnerable position until he takes stock of his role.
I'm very happy to hear, though, of your plans for the future. I'm sure you'll enjoy and find so rewarding the career you've chosen. It's great, too, that you're making progress toward your goal. While it's terribly painful to go through this--you have so much ahead of you; please tell yourself the truth-- which is, that however awful the moment feels-- it is temporary. This is a difficult passage, toward much better days.
hugs, Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:859655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859747.html