Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 30, 2008, at 6:13:14
In reply to Re: Rupture in therapy (long) » Wittgensteinz, posted by Nadezda on October 29, 2008, at 15:05:33
Nadezda, my apologies for a bit of a slow reply. Thank you for your candid response.
I also find the no-suicide contract something absurd. It was not a matter of crying for help in my case and although I can, while in a fairly good state, agree not to do something like that again, when it comes to it, such an agreement does not hold much weight. If I really feel like doing it, and then it feels an absolute need, then I'm not going to sabotage myself and intervene to stop myself doing so - that's just absurd. So in a way I have had to agree to the impossible. I am trying to be wise, I try to avoid a situation that would put me in such a state and take measures before it gets to bad but you're right, he needs to play a role in that too. It was an agreement made with little disucssion - frankly he made it clear that he cannot work under that pressure/with that responsibility. He told me that when he came to the hospital and I begged him at the time to let me continue seeing him. I wonder in retrospect whether that was his sole reason for coming to the hospital and not for the obvious reason of being concerned. Maybe I am too doubtful/cynical in my current state.
This question of professional dignity is an important one. He is a known superviser. He is a retired professor - and a 'honored' professor at that. He has a list of books published in the field. In the analytic community he is very well known and often the key speaker at important events. So it is a difficult one. To whom could he turn, even if he would be willing to?
When I asked him why he reacted so sharply, and later why he was so cold to me at the end of the session, he simply said that he had 'reached his limit' - this I really can't fathom. It wasn't a particularly trying or taxing session. What made him 'reach his limit' - what did I do to bring that about? It was almost given as a justification - like "we all have our limits and you found mine and there's nothing I can do about that". It leaves me at a bit of a loss.
Thank you for all the reassurance - it goes a long way. I do have plans but my confidence is low and I swing between giving up on life and daring to embrace it. That's the one thing I like very much about my T. He truly believes in me. No-one has ever been so strongly encouraging as him. Also his life-story parallels mine in one important way. He too didn't find his career path until his late 20s - yet he still succeeded and became a renowned analyst. For me that gives me hope. The pdoc on the other hand I think sees more the harshness of my situation - I'm visually impaired - he made a big thing of the the realistic possibility of my becoming a doctor - rather than saying "why not? go for it!" he was more "is it worth the effort?". Now I know it is possible as there are other qualified doctors with my level of vision or worse but this fact didn't convince him. I suppose this is a question of realism and bias. On paper I have 10% vision - sounds like very little - my pdoc was wondering how I can manage to read his e-mails - yet he doesn't know I have done paid work with web-design and animation, played ice-hockey on the team at university and was the photo-editor of the main student magazine. I think he wouldn't believe me if I mentioned this.
Thanks again,
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:859655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859875.html