Posted by ElaineM on February 2, 2007, at 22:36:05
Just a quick update. [well probably not quick, knowing me]
I had an hour of my session and then T said that today was our anniversary, and he took out pink roses for me. I love pink. He thanked me for being in his life and being such a good person, and he said I'm a remarkable woman :') [I kinda wanted to laugh, cause I hardly feel like a "woman".] But he's the only one who's ever given me flowers [only on special occasions though]. ANd he's the only man in my real-life who's said such nice things like that. :') [it's not what I'm used to and feels a little gross, but I appreciate him offering it] I know he doesn't think I'm ugly, even when i think I'm my worst, cause today was one of those days, and he was still nice anyways. :') And he said he's proud of me for committing like I have. I did feel a little awkward at first. BUt that's just cause it sounded a bit strange cause I've never celebrated a real-relationship anniversary before (and for like half a second, I worried he'd expect me to kiss him. But he didn't expect that. And I didn't.)
[the only thing I worry about is that my time ran even longer today and the girl-woman after me probably heard him say, "I'm glad you like the flowers" and then saw me walk out with them. I panicked and said, "I won't bring them next time." cause I didn't want her to feel weird or something. I hope she wasn't really noticing, or thought I'd brought them in for show.]And I felt kinda rude cause I had no idea [I don't keep track of stuff like that] and I didn't have anything for him. I was thinking that maybe I'd just get him something neutral for Valentine's Day to make up for me not knowing.
****I wonder if other people give their T's a little something on V-day?****
And then he told me about his latest session with his T. HE TOLD HIM! He didn't use the L-word but he told his T that he's so unsettled, and he can't get calm anymore (like he always was). That he has intense feelings for me [who his T already knows is a much younger female] and that he can't stand not having an outlet for all his feelings. That he doesn't want to turn them off, but that he knows the barriers between having a real relationship.
He said he felt weird being the "patient who confesses a secret" - that he's having a hard time being in that role instead. He said he had felt bad about not being completely forthright their last session, and he'd promised me he'd try. [One of the first things he said to me was, "You'll be so proud of me...."] I was. I am. I told him so. It was an amazingly brave thing for him to do.
He said he felt that his T perked up for the first time, since he's been vaguely mentioning the upset he's been feeling lately. He said his T didn't say anything interms of lecturing or advice (which he was relieved by) but that he just genuinely listened. He said that he thought his T seemed interested because he is a man too and could understand how feelings like that could happen -- and that that's why he didn't judge him. He hasn't told him everything yet, like specific things, but this is a huge, gigantic step.
He said that his T seemed really supportive, and recommended that they increase the frequency of his sessions. He didn't want to, but I said to please try, and think of it as accepting his T's offer to recieve more care, and attention. And if he hates it after a trial, he can cut it back down again. So he said he thinks he will accept the offer (though he's not definite). [His T is away now for three weeks so the increase wouldn't start until he gets back]
[And my T is REALLY helping me with my medical situation right now. I've been so unwell the past few weeks and he's really stepping in and organzing what I need to do, and he's gonna deal directly with some of my doctors.] He can't be so bad. He's not as bad. There's worse men, who are worse and do worse, and he's not like that. He could be but he's not. I don't want to be afraid of all. I want him on my side.
So aside from my health, T is going well. I've even felt the urge to hug him lately cause I'm so proud of him. ANd I've forgotten to be sad about alot of other stuff in my life. {Though to be fair, I am taking more Ativan lately then I ever have in the past -- but I guess that's okay} I've also been having the urge to get my name off the Trauma Group list. I wrote out the email to the woman and almost sent it twice. Didn't. [yet?] It's still sitting in my draft folder right now. I don't think I need to talk about it because it's gone from my head now. And why would I want to bring it back when it only just left. [I don't know though. I feel like I owe the "woman" alot for all her help. But I also know she wouldn't want me staying on the list just to please her. Cause really, it doesn't effect her at all. I don't know. Confused]
I don't know if anyone cares, but I thought I'd follow-up cause even *I* was wondering if he'd really go through with the next step like he said.
I think this could be my last thread on this for awhile, or ever (unless my world blows up). I'm going to try to honor his efforts by respecting his privacy more now, since I'm not going to be hurt now or anything, and it's gonna fix without anyone being destroyed. :') So that's it, I guess. Thanks.blove El
poster:ElaineM
thread:729230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/729230.html