Posted by ElaineM on February 13, 2007, at 16:26:11
In reply to Re: Not good ***trig SI » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 13, 2007, at 9:19:02
>>>>Secret to not looking like a boy = carriage (don't collapse across your chest. keep your head balanced on your neck)
okay, I'll try and remember that. I do tend to hunch (cause of my back). ANd to be more invisable. I'll have to work at that. I probably will wear more pink now. Wish it wasn't cold so I could wear my long skirts. Always feel better in those.
Were you afraid to cut your hair? Do you feel different inside when its gone?
I usually just wear small earrings. But I do wear girly necklaces. :)
Thanks for saying accepting stuff about T. He tries to help more than he hurts. He had asked me to read him out some of my writings last week, and then said he couldn't take how they made him feel, but he did say it wasn't my fault. He said, "sorry for being kind of useless right now" too.
>>>>When can you get to see a real T? Any news on that front?
Don't know. Barely care. I'd settle for a doctor first. Though I didn't cancel the rtrauma group yet. still just have the email saved in my draft folder. I have no desire to do anything. don't want to speak , or try, or fight at all.
>>>>did you EVER think that there would be a time in your life when you would go for several months without taking out self-destructive instincts on your own flesh
I have before. It's just never gone forever i guess :( Never did this when i was a teen. Maybe when others are around who hate me, I forget to hate myself SO much, and then I don't feel like doing it.
I don't know for sure. I don't get relief when i do it. I do it cause I can't stand hate being inside, and I want to punish myself for being the sh*t that I am, instead of someone better. I'm know that's messed up thinking, or bad self-esteem, but I can't stop it.>>>>neosporin is good for abrasions and scrapes, and helps prevent scarring. hydrogen peroxide is good for cleaning out deeper and more jagged injuries.
I use both all the time. Sometimes I use the hp as a milder form of SI. [I won't explain it cause its not the best thing to talk about] But I do try and make sure they're clean. Sometimes though I do it in places that don't heal well cause of where it is -- but I just put on like 10 bandaids to at least keep bad stuff out.
SOmetimes I want to be bad with it like I was before because that's all professionals respond to. "Crazy" words, and dysfunctional reactons, is all people listen and look for, from "crazy" people. [Even dentists. How is it that me complaining of tooth pain results in months of delays, and "let it rest" excuses, and "sympathy sensitivity" theories, before I just get another d@mn root canal done. Maybe he just wanted to wait till it was horrendous and extreme so he could charge more. Whatever - just another example.] I'm sure stupid doctor would have a bunch of other ideas, and referrals, and plans if I had come to her scarred up all over. Or high as a kite. Or emaciated and thin-haired.
I just can't help being monotone and un-dramatic when I'm at medical appointments. I don't think or speak well around people. Plus I won't give them my tears. And I won't give a pantomine, like some of the people I saw when I was at the ER before. Hysterics when getting triaged. Hysterics when anyone in scrubs walked by. THen sitting down quietly to eat take out they had brought to them. And seeing them walk out upright and smiling-faced after being seen. WHile me, and others, and the man who lost consciousness and hit his head after being told to just wait, are still in the waiting room. Disgusting. Man and wife beside me thought so too. And there were two other examples from that one day alone. I won't be that. WOrds should be enough. But they never are. So cutting is good. ANd starving is good. THey are louder than any words. Loudest when noticed on someone who had been considered normal beforehand. But still, loud enough on someone who's already got a psych history.I know deep down that doing it is wrong. I hate it, but (sorta) like at the same. Stupid. Maybe it just postpones sh*t though. Definately makes me uglier, so I should stop -- usually that's enough to help me not do it. But I'm so full of self-rage right now. IF I wasn't angry at myself I'd never stop crying ever.
I'll try and think of you, and you fighting, and helping. It sickens me to feel like I need to be like before. I don't want to be like before.((((LL))))) thanks for saying nice hair stuff. It's a really huge deal to me - for many reasons.
blove EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:729230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/732465.html