Posted by ElaineM on February 12, 2007, at 20:43:52
In reply to Re: face to face » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 8, 2007, at 16:37:03
Doing really bad. Really bad. I feel funny. T was looking into getting me into a collegues (PCP) roster, and I was so hopeful these past few days. Hope of change. I'm never optimistic. and it was there, and I let it grow. I let it. I know better than to fall for bullsh*t, mind-trick feelings like that. Cause you only, you always, get burned. and come out looking like a pathetic loser. BUt I couldn't help it. and i felt good. making posts about songs -- actually being able to enjoy music and get through a whole one before turning it off.
And then it all fell through today. I'm such a @sshole. Why do I do this to myself. It's better to stay dead, and I KNOW that, but allowed myself to feel a good emotion anyway. I SI'd after months and months -- not usual place, special place for when I bigtime self-loathe. So much self-hate!!!! If someone else would've been around to beat the sh*t out of me, I wouldn't have had to. But no other choice. I WISH someone else was here.
I feel so hopeless. I have no options. I don't care what happens to me anymore. Probably didn't ever.
LadyT's gonna be in for a lovely meeting with me now. God, I hate myself, I'm so sick of everything. Never-ending everything.T freaked out over the weekend saying my writing made him too unstable and unhappy. Kept trying to check in on him, and he ignored two, and then sent one saying that he's too wounded up, and doesn't have words. [but lots of "tear faces" = :"( ] Even though on Friday he was teary and asking if he could still email me if I stop leaving the house to come as much. THen wouldn't respond to tell me he was alright over weekend. I was sooo worried didn't know what was happening. Said I left him devastated. I'm destroying him like everyone else.
THen today he said he was more fine.
And now I'm scared about Valentine's Day. Need to buy something so he feels cared for and not broken by me. Get ready to get hugs. And give. And I'm seeing the Doctor he wrote the letter to -- I hope it didnt' offend her. I have to have a really grovelly apoligy ready. I love debasing myself.
I wish I was sick-thin right now. Only time i've ever mattered, and cared least about me, life and the world. I hate myself. I hate my hair - I cut it, and dyed it. No more chains to hold me down. But I'm ugly now. Short-long now. Not Long-long. i probably look like a boy. :"( Who cares. Already ugly. NOw really ugly. Big difference.
I should be alone. My heart feels like it's breaking. :"(
poster:ElaineM
thread:729230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/732281.html