Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 21:12:02
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig » ElaineM, posted by frida on September 9, 2006, at 11:56:52
frida, it's nice to hear from you again. I do feel a bit less alone when I'm here. At least while my computer's on.
I think about LadyT alot. She does keep occassional contact with me. I spoke to her in the winter when I got really sick with my medical illness for the first time. And I'd just lost a fifth family member in 1.5 years. I was desperate and emailed her out of the blue, after well over a year apart. She thought I sounded suicidal and had me come see her in person. [I didn't know that until I showed up in her office though] ((((((ladyT)))))) I talked her out of having me escorted to an ER. But since then she has kept in touch with me every now and then - or answered my rare "Are you still out there?" emails. Her emails are always short and sweet. Not too personal. There's only been a few. She told me the "rules" from the first email contact. But she knows how important she was in my life, how much she changed my view of people. She knew that it was very important for me to believe in the constancy of relationships. Know that just because I can't see people doesn't mean they are dead. And that even when people in my life die, doesn't mean that caring about them has to stop. (When we stopped, she was trying to help me be able to keep good memories, so my comforting relationships would not disappear along with memories of the bad ones) So she talks to me still sometimes.
Almost all of the time she asks if I'm still seeing T. She's afraid I'm hiding the fact that I dropped out of treatment from her. I feel terrible. She was the one who thought a male T would be what I needed to start to work on my fear of men. (It's 99.9% female in ed programs, and that's where I've lived alot of my twenties, so I wasn't getting any exposure there) And she picked this T. She convinced me to push past my fear and show up there. =:::( I know it would break her to hear anything bad about him.
If I said ANYTHING to her, she would know who I was talking about even if I didn't come out and say a name. And then she would have the right (the duty) to report him. And he might get in trouble. Or would... and he told me how catastrophic is would be for him to get in trouble - it would ruin his life. And in the grand scheme of things, his life is better than mine. I care about LadyT too much. And I care about him too much. or maybe love.
A few days ago, I was buzzed and almost emailed her. I'm sooooo relieved and lucky that I didn't. I'm glad that I posted here like a jerk instead. It would've been a disaster. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I told her the wrong things. Though I would love more than anything to see her again. Maybe I should plan out another "keeping in touch" email. I've been thinking of her and doc alot.........if only I was small again.
I know that good T's exist -- from reading posts here, and having known my old T. Sometimes it makes it hard to read posts about good t's -- cause I feel bad for myself (egocentric self-pity, blech!) -- but mostly I'm glad for others. And I try and use that to stay hopeful of future t's (if there will be any). It is still hard though.
Frida, you're very kind for offering support. I don't like the idea of being alone. Thank you.
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:684345
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684591.html