Posted by ElaineM on September 8, 2006, at 22:13:46
I went. CC spoke with me for 15mins, mainly explaining what she had been looking into all week. She said she couldn't find appropriate female T's but that she would continue looking and email me if she heard of one in the future. She gave me three help numbers (which I'd already been given!!!) and a booklet about Client Rights.......She said I should be careful cause there are a few warning signs in my sessions now.......whatever.....she said I should speak to someone at a crisis line and they could refer me elsewhere..... THIS WAS me being referred elsewhere!!!!..........I started crying but not making any sound.......she said good luck. (nicely, not rude, but still) She kept staring at my hands cause I couldn't hold them still and stop wringing the cr@p out of my fingers. I hate being so shaky.
Everything is over. I'm done fighting. She even said, It will be hard for you to find someone willing to take you on with this as an issue, won't it? It will? it will. I HAVE NO OPTIONS. I just can't keep doing this. I can't can't can't. It's tooooo hard and humiliating and scary. She said, It must be hard to talk about. .......she has NO idea....I've been to three places AND told LadyDoc about this and absolutely nothing has come from any of it. All I have is three numbers that are on posters in the subway. I have to have been over-reacting. It's not as serious as we've decided here posting....It can't be. That's all the makes sense........I've worried for nothing........I'm so alone.......I'm done. I'm not fighting this anymore. I'm not calling anymore numbers and spilling my disgusting guts again! Worrying again! Feeling like an untrustworthy @sshole. Sneaky b*tch. Saying all the hardest parts over and over. FOR NOTHING! I probably love him back. That's why I probably didn't say the right things and so none of them could understand. I don't speak properly. I can't control my words. He's the only one who can understand me.
And if you knew all of me, you would hate me too. Before, when I needed help, no T's wanted an Anorexic girl. And now no T's will want a Boundaries/Misconduct case ex-anorexic. What is going to happen? I'm glad I have T. At least he cares. At least he is here when no one else will have me.....If only I was in school......I WANT LADYDOC.... I miss her. I need her. ...... I HATE THIS. Why will nobody help me? I'm tired of numbers!!! I am TIRED of explaining and explaining and explaining. How many times do I have to be embarassed?!?
I cut myself with a piece of mirror. It is ugly and gross. I hate it and I did it on a new part -- I never do it there. And I don't use stuff like that normally. I did it before CC, and even before T -- in the morning. But I'm glad it still hurts. I want it to hurt forever. Alcohol stinging feels good. It has tape on it now and it's UGLY. Maybe it was an accident. I don't know. I didn't SI after the meeting though -- so maybe that's good. But if I didn't throw it away I would have.
You are all I have. You are the only ones who listen to me. You are the only ones who give words back. And my T. (((((babblers))))) and (((((T)))))) I am glad that this is all over. Loving T is not bad - not as bad as having no one answer my asking for help, or having no one to listen. I am lucky.........I am relieved and glad underneath all the stupid crying. I will be happy when everything is forgotten. And I want another cut. But it's so wrong and ugly. But still..... WHAT WILL I DO? it is hours later and i still have crying bursts - it makes me sleepy. at least i'm already on pain meds.
I am sorry. I wanted to tell you all good things. I keep drowning you in badness and I'm scared you will stop speaking to me. (and thank you so much for trying with me) I am sorry I can't try anymore. I wanted to do this better for you -- more than for me. Because I don't care about myself. Please don't hate me for staying where I am. I CAN'T do anything else. Why is this happening?! A whole summer later and I'm too tired.
poster:ElaineM
thread:684345
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684345.html