Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 19:48:10
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 9, 2006, at 0:56:20
>>>>thank you so much for letting us know how it went. That must have been a difficult post for you to write.
Honestly, most of the time I post I'm in a panic. I blurt alot, and worry about it later. But mostly I just wish I had something nice to tell you all, at least once. I don't want to be difficult and make you guys push me away.
>>>>>Nobodys perfect, we just goto push ahead ( and take breaks when we need to),and try and do the best we can.
I would never think you were bad. I would never hate you. When I hear of all the stuff you've made it beyond, it makes me think how much perseverance you have and how strong, and how honest you are. Why is it so hard to think the same way about ourselves? It is too hard to be nice to ourselves -- or at least for me. I don't think I'll ever NOT hate myself more than anyone. More than even the ones who have hurt me.
>>>>Depends on what it is your getting out of your SI, as to what seems to work best.
Could be your looking to calm yourself, or punish yourself, or bring yourself back if you drifting away, or to prove to yourself that you tough enough, or to let the bad out, or to externally express your internal pain. There's lotsa reasons.Yes, I do it when I hate myself too much, when I think I should be punished. I do it when no one else is around to hit me themself. I'm screwed up that way -- I like hurting. A few times it has been when my nerves were going crazy -- where I feel so anxious I might burst. So I do something else instead. Though there are times when I don't know why I've done it. The first time I ever did it was during a hospital stay, being re-fed. But that's the only time I didn't notice I was doing it. And that was the worst time. I got in alot of trouble for that one - flurry of docs/pdocs/ladyT. And it took forever for the scars to go away.
I am focusing on not SI now, while I'm being calm and on a break. I'm NOT going to do the same thing again. I'm not getting used to new ways of it. So right now I just have to make sure to not do it this new way again. ANd that's all I'm caring about. All that matters. And all that's left from the sadness of yesterday. Focusing on one thing is not as tiring.
>>>>We don't mind your posts at all.
For me, it makes me stonger to try and help others.Muffly, I love you. It makes *me* stronger to witness others offering help (not just to me, but in general). For real. Other than groups in the hospital I've never seen people give a d@mn about anyone but themself. I still sometimes find it overwhelming to see people care about each other here.
And I admire you right back.
((((muffled))))
blove, EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:684345
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684561.html