Posted by orchid on June 12, 2006, at 15:40:15
In reply to Re: Got in a fight with my Shadow (TRIGGER) » orchid, posted by Tamar on June 12, 2006, at 15:17:43
Maybe it really is all about safety for you as you said below.
Perhaps you feel so very unsafe, that you think by making yourself fat (by gaining pounds) and ugly (by cutting yourself), you might be safe.
Could it be so? I remember having read that your father punched you when you were a child. Maybe that, and all the sexual assaults, really must have shaken the confidence about this world. And sometimes, we want to make ourselves the least likely target by making ourselves invisible and ugly. I know when I attained puberty I put on tons of weight. And looking back I think I didn't feel safe, and my overweight was my attempt to escape detection from anyone.
There is no reason why it should happen only to you all the time. But, perhaps because of your natural ability to understand other persons emotions, and your openness in talking about sex, your colleague (who exposed himself) or others could think of you as little easy. Also, when a predator sees a prey with a low self esteem, he somehow knows it and goes for it. So, your colleague could have sensed your issues about safety etc, and decided to use it to his advantage. I think he was a rascal. And it has nothing to do with you. But perhaps the part that you played was to be vulnerable. I know once a colleague of mine moved his shirt up to his shoulder to show his body to me, and I was very uncomfortable. But I didn't do anything to invite it - and he didn't do it purposefully also - he had just been to a Dr's appt, and I asked what was wrong and he did it to show what was wrong, but neverthelss, I felt very uncomfortable and after that pretty much avoided being in the same room with him in private.
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> Well, there were several other sexual assaults before and after the rape experience. My therapist asked if there was something earlier than the rape, but I can’t remember anything significant. I think the thing that freaks me out at the moment is that things keep happening to me. And about a year ago something happened again. I probably didn’t say anything about it at the time… It’s a bit of a long story… and at the time I didn’t know quite what to think.
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> It was my friend’s partner (who I happen to work with). He exposed himself to me, and I looked away pretty quickly. And he treated it as a big joke, so I did too. And then after he broke up with my friend she told me how abusive he had been to her. And I had to see him a lot at work… So I just couldn’t face going to work for a few months. But I also thought I was being a total idiot because it was such a trivial thing. I’ve seen dozens of penises; what’s one more? And at the time it didn’t even bother me too much. Well, a little bit, but not too much. It was only later when I found out more about his personality that I felt really scared. And there was no way to avoid him at work. Anyway, he’s leaving next month, so I don’t have to put up with him much longer. But I feel particularly stupid because he propositioned me three years ago when I was pregnant (before he got together with my friend). So I feel as if he’s dangerous to me (and in fact to all women). Because if he thinks it’s OK to get his dick out and show it to me, where will he stop? But I can’t help feeling it’s my fault; maybe I didn’t say no emphatically enough when he propositioned me three years ago. Maybe he thought I was interested in him (I don’t know why…). Maybe he thought I was available in some way (I don’t know why). Or maybe he just wanted to intimidate me: to make me feel uncomfortable and afraid (which I happen to think is the most likely explanation). And I feel if I’m not safe from that kind of thing at work, I’m never safe from it. I’m completely sick of feeling unsafe. I keep wondering if I’m doing something to make it happen, but my therapist says (and I agree) that the people who do these things are completely responsible for them. And all adult men know that it’s not acceptable to expose themselves to women, so there’s no excuse. It wasn’t anything I did. And yet I’m still not safe.
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> > Another thing that might help is, in addition to emotional healing, it is also a good idea to start simulatenously other activities (positive activities side by side) so that whatever you achieve in therapy is complemented by an increased sense of well being that you derive out of such activities. Like enroll in a class, or learn music, or do painting etc. These things enhance our sense of well being, and will serve as a good support in addition to therapy.
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> That’s very true. I really need to do some more exercise, so maybe I’ll take up sport again. Although enrolling in a class sounds like fun… I’d like to learn Spanish, but I don’t know if I have the time. I’ll see if there are any classes starting in the summer.
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> Thanks for your response. It’s nice to know you care.
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> Tamar
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poster:orchid
thread:655445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/656007.html