Posted by Tamar on June 12, 2006, at 15:17:43
In reply to Re: Got in a fight with my Shadow (TRIGGER) » Tamar, posted by orchid on June 12, 2006, at 13:09:46
> You are not an idiot. I am really sad that you cut yourself again, and it really feels very painful for me personally to see you hurting so much. I love you, and you have helped me so much, and I feel I owe a part of my life to you and your thoughtful helping words which made my days so many time, and I wish I can make you see the worth in yourself.
I love you too. Thanks, Orchid.
> But I know it is a journey you have to make by yourself - no matter how hard the struggle seems. But you will get there.
>
> I do have a few questions that came to my mind.
>
> Have you cut yourself before you started your therapy the first time? You said it had been 18 years since your rape, did you cut yourself all the time before your therapy?I cut myself once when I was about 15 after a fight with my father. And then the first year I was married I cut myself a few times after fights with my husband. And then after I became diabetic and depressed I sometimes cut myself, again always after fights with my husband.
I started taking Prozac in November and since then I’ve been cutting myself more frequently. And in fact the frequency is increasing. According to my calculations I will want to cut myself again on Saturday or Sunday. I don’t know if anticipating it will help me to prevent it… We’ll see.
> IS it possible therapy is making it worse for you? I mean, you are saying you are cutting yourself more these days when you are back in therapy, and are gaining a lot of weight. So is it possible that therapy is actually making it worse for you? I can understand a downward turn in emotions for sometime before it starts becoming better when we go to therapy, but if the downward spiral is too much, then perhaps there might be a different way to bring out healing than probing further deep inside.
At the moment therapy is really hard, because my therapist keeps forgetting important things, like forgetting to be in his office at my appointment time. And the most recent cutting episode was partly about that. And I definitely want to make myself very ugly in therapy. And that’s odd because I don’t think my therapist is at all attracted to me.
> I also feel, that you have as much insight as needed for healing. Focussing further on gaining insights might not help much - it might actually make it worse (kind of make you wallowing in the mud and poking the sore again and again, and not really serve any constructive purpose). What you might need is more of a role model and a person who will serve as an inspiration to you. (be it your therapist or a pastor or some other friend whom you can confide in).Yeah, a role model would be nice.
> Maybe reading about some women who have gone through rape and sexual assault and who have emerged to be beautiful and happy might help. Also another thing that might help is reading novel about strong and powerful women who have gone through stuggles in life but who have managed at the end to emerge happy. I love Daniel Steels novels because the women in those novels go through suffering, but always emerge better than ever at the end. Maybe you can try if you would like.
It would be nice to do some reading… I haven’t read any novels for months. But my concentration is improving now. I read one of Danielle Steele’s novels a few years ago but I can’t remember much about it now!
> Also, another thing that comes to my mind is, is it possible, that there could be something else, other than the rape that gives you a low sense of self worth? Because as difficult as it is, a rape could be won by a woman if she has a good sense of self worth initially. It might be easier to toss out a rape as just an ugly physical accident if the woman had a good sense of self worth initially. I am not trying to minimise the impact the rape had on you, but I am asking you to probe into perhaps older and deeper issues that were there even before it. Like, maybe, your self esteem was damaged before rape - by your parents or whoever. Maybe instead of focussing on the rape itself, if you could probe into your childhood more, than there might be some answers there.
Well, there were several other sexual assaults before and after the rape experience. My therapist asked if there was something earlier than the rape, but I can’t remember anything significant. I think the thing that freaks me out at the moment is that things keep happening to me. And about a year ago something happened again. I probably didn’t say anything about it at the time… It’s a bit of a long story… and at the time I didn’t know quite what to think.
It was my friend’s partner (who I happen to work with). He exposed himself to me, and I looked away pretty quickly. And he treated it as a big joke, so I did too. And then after he broke up with my friend she told me how abusive he had been to her. And I had to see him a lot at work… So I just couldn’t face going to work for a few months. But I also thought I was being a total idiot because it was such a trivial thing. I’ve seen dozens of penises; what’s one more? And at the time it didn’t even bother me too much. Well, a little bit, but not too much. It was only later when I found out more about his personality that I felt really scared. And there was no way to avoid him at work. Anyway, he’s leaving next month, so I don’t have to put up with him much longer. But I feel particularly stupid because he propositioned me three years ago when I was pregnant (before he got together with my friend). So I feel as if he’s dangerous to me (and in fact to all women). Because if he thinks it’s OK to get his dick out and show it to me, where will he stop? But I can’t help feeling it’s my fault; maybe I didn’t say no emphatically enough when he propositioned me three years ago. Maybe he thought I was interested in him (I don’t know why…). Maybe he thought I was available in some way (I don’t know why). Or maybe he just wanted to intimidate me: to make me feel uncomfortable and afraid (which I happen to think is the most likely explanation). And I feel if I’m not safe from that kind of thing at work, I’m never safe from it. I’m completely sick of feeling unsafe. I keep wondering if I’m doing something to make it happen, but my therapist says (and I agree) that the people who do these things are completely responsible for them. And all adult men know that it’s not acceptable to expose themselves to women, so there’s no excuse. It wasn’t anything I did. And yet I’m still not safe.
> Another thing that might help is, in addition to emotional healing, it is also a good idea to start simulatenously other activities (positive activities side by side) so that whatever you achieve in therapy is complemented by an increased sense of well being that you derive out of such activities. Like enroll in a class, or learn music, or do painting etc. These things enhance our sense of well being, and will serve as a good support in addition to therapy.
That’s very true. I really need to do some more exercise, so maybe I’ll take up sport again. Although enrolling in a class sounds like fun… I’d like to learn Spanish, but I don’t know if I have the time. I’ll see if there are any classes starting in the summer.
Thanks for your response. It’s nice to know you care.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:655445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/655999.html