Posted by orchid on June 12, 2006, at 13:09:46
In reply to Got in a fight with my Shadow (TRIGGER), posted by Tamar on June 11, 2006, at 7:07:01
You are not an idiot. I am really sad that you cut yourself again, and it really feels very painful for me personally to see you hurting so much. I love you, and you have helped me so much, and I feel I owe a part of my life to you and your thoughtful helping words which made my days so many time, and I wish I can make you see the worth in yourself.
But I know it is a journey you have to make by yourself - no matter how hard the struggle seems. But you will get there.
I do have a few questions that came to my mind.
Have you cut yourself before you started your therapy the first time? You said it had been 18 years since your rape, did you cut yourself all the time before your therapy? IS it possible therapy is making it worse for you? I mean, you are saying you are cutting yourself more these days when you are back in therapy, and are gaining a lot of weight. So is it possible that therapy is actually making it worse for you? I can understand a downward turn in emotions for sometime before it starts becoming better when we go to therapy, but if the downward spiral is too much, then perhaps there might be a different way to bring out healing than probing further deep inside.
I also feel, that you have as much insight as needed for healing. Focussing further on gaining insights might not help much - it might actually make it worse (kind of make you wallowing in the mud and poking the sore again and again, and not really serve any constructive purpose). What you might need is more of a role model and a person who will serve as an inspiration to you. (be it your therapist or a pastor or some other friend whom you can confide in). Maybe reading about some women who have gone through rape and sexual assault and who have emerged to be beautiful and happy might help. Also another thing that might help is reading novel about strong and powerful women who have gone through stuggles in life but who have managed at the end to emerge happy. I love Daniel Steels novels because the women in those novels go through suffering, but always emerge better than ever at the end. Maybe you can try if you would like.
Also, another thing that comes to my mind is, is it possible, that there could be something else, other than the rape that gives you a low sense of self worth? Because as difficult as it is, a rape could be won by a woman if she has a good sense of self worth initially. It might be easier to toss out a rape as just an ugly physical accident if the woman had a good sense of self worth initially. I am not trying to minimise the impact the rape had on you, but I am asking you to probe into perhaps older and deeper issues that were there even before it. Like, maybe, your self esteem was damaged before rape - by your parents or whoever. Maybe instead of focussing on the rape itself, if you could probe into your childhood more, than there might be some answers there.
Another thing that might help is, in addition to emotional healing, it is also a good idea to start simulatenously other activities (positive activities side by side) so that whatever you achieve in therapy is complemented by an increased sense of well being that you derive out of such activities. Like enroll in a class, or learn music, or do painting etc. These things enhance our sense of well being, and will serve as a good support in addition to therapy.
poster:orchid
thread:655445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/655953.html