Posted by allisonross on November 11, 2005, at 14:52:08
In reply to It almost feels like my duty, posted by orchid on November 11, 2005, at 11:26:41
> Thanks Dinah and Allison. You are right Allison - I have lot of anger and rage inside. But I can't seem to be able to access it. I know it is there - it comes out in bursts every now and then, but I can't fully get hold of it.
I think I asked you. Are you in therapy? I would say that if not, get there.....yesterday.
you need to figure out why you keep abusing yourself. you probably have a wide range of emotions about this whole situation. A therapist can help you sort those out.
>
> But it almost feels like a duty to give in to my dad.Brainwashed.
I am getting all the old feelings back. I used to feel it was my duty to satisfy my father.
That is because he made you feel that way.
He never used to like my mom and didn't get what he wanted from her. I almost served as his substitute,
You WERE a substitute.
and I felt I was obliged to meet his demands. Even now, it feels like a cruel thing to do to him if I ask him to stop. But rationally atleast now I realize what a horrible thing it is if I let him continue with it.
Yes.
I will end up killing myself.
I have heard that depression is anger turned inwards. Like I said; deep inside somewhere.....the subconscious....you are full of fury that you were molested and abused.
But also I feel like, "Oh what will he do if he can't hug me? He will be devastated".
The old guilty feelings from childhood. You were used to meeting his needs.
But I know it is not right. No it isn't. he knows it isn't.
I think you are in a fight for your very life and sanity. I get from what you said you are visiting him/them? Can you not leave?
>
> I feel so embarassed at myself for allowing this for so long.Shame is destructive.
Why didn't I realize or stop it after 20 or 21? Why did I let it continue even after I was an adult? I kept thinking it was harmless and not sexual - but I did have serious doubts and felt uncomfortable.
Always...trust your gut, but you had/have been programmed/brainwashed into thinking that MAYBE...this was okay; your gut told you it was NOT.
Hope you can talk to a therapist soon. You must protect yourself, and fight the feelings of allowing him to touch you.
Call a women's shelter, suicide prevention hotline, hospital (mental health clinic), etc, they can give you direction. You deserve to find peace.
If right now, you don't feel you can stand up to him; then perhaps think about your children.
Would you stand up for them, if he was doing this to them?
Don't want to sound harsh, but denial is powerful, and that is where you are right now.
It's understandable ; you love him (or think you do), and have been programmed to do whatever he wanted you to do. You don't know how to stop it, and/or are afraid he won't love you anymore? or you will disappoint him?
in the meantime, he is molesting you, and because of it (and the past); you feel suicidal. I hope you will take steps the moment you read this, and call one of those places I mentioned. if you need phone numbers, etc, I will get them for you.
You can (and owe it to yourself and your children) to take back your life.
love, Ally
Hugs, Allison
poster:allisonross
thread:577289
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577753.html