Posted by orchid on November 11, 2005, at 11:26:41
In reply to Re: how do I say it? » orchid, posted by allisonross on November 11, 2005, at 10:53:57
Thanks Dinah and Allison. You are right Allison - I have lot of anger and rage inside. But I can't seem to be able to access it. I know it is there - it comes out in bursts every now and then, but I can't fully get hold of it.
But it almost feels like a duty to give in to my dad. I am getting all the old feelings back. I used to feel it was my duty to satisfy my father. He never used to like my mom and didn't get what he wanted from her. I almost served as his substitute, and I felt I was obliged to meet his demands. Even now, it feels like a cruel thing to do to him if I ask him to stop. But rationally atleast now I realize what a horrible thing it is if I let him continue with it. I will end up killing myself. But also I feel like, "Oh what will he do if he can't hug me? He will be devastated". But I know it is not right.
I feel so embarassed at myself for allowing this for so long. Why didn't I realize or stop it after 20 or 21? Why did I let it continue even after I was an adult? I kept thinking it was harmless and not sexual - but I did have serious doubts and felt uncomfortable.
poster:orchid
thread:577289
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577719.html