Posted by allisonross on November 11, 2005, at 10:53:57
In reply to how do I say it?, posted by orchid on November 11, 2005, at 7:44:00
>Dearest Orchid: From the little I read into your words, it seems you are afraid of offending your father, and want to find a gentle way to tell him to stop violating you.
If you found out he was doing this to your children, what would you say? I have a feeling you wouldn't be worried about his feelings.
Try to take that little chid you were so long ago, and take her by the hand.
Speak to her, and tell her that you will NEVER allow anyone to hurt or molest her again.
You can say it nicely, and you already have, right? He doesn't care about what you want. He doesn't hear you.
I don't think there is a "nice" way to say: Stop molesting me, dad......he is violating you, and disrespecting your boundaries.
It is very difficult to have boundaries when abused as a child (I know, I have had to learn them).
When you are abused/molested as a child the message that you were sent, was that you have no boundaries, and you will be used. you have no rights. Your feelings and thoughts do not exist. how horrific.
(hard to hear I know; we all want our parents' love).
Actually, there IS a book called; Boundaries (it's by Townsend and Cloud, I believe); EXCELLENT book, and I went to their seminar.i wAny suggestions on how to say it in a non offending way? I was thinking of telling him today, but it seems very difficult. I don't want to accuse him of abuse, but it is so difficult to get the words out.
It is scary (did you say you had a t?) He/she could do an intervention, or simply be with you when you tell him, so it won't be so scary.
I once told him over the phone, but that was on the phone and it seemed easier. Now face to face seems to be much harder. But he doesn't seem to understand silent pull backs.
He DOES understand; he is an adult; game playing. What do you think would happen if he did this to someone else? They would have him arrested. he is NOT innocent. He has always known what he was/is doing; he counted/counts on your silence.
>
> This is really hard. But one good thing taht happened is, I have forgiven myself for all the blame that I took upon myself.Good for you! The fault was never your own, but the abused take on the shame of the abuser, while the abuser goes on without a thought to the pain and anguish they have caused. Narcissism.
And all the confusion. If now, my father has so much of control and power over me, I could never have done anything as a child. And I do know that even as a child I didn't encourage it and tried to pull back several times in silent protest.
Children NEVER "encourage" being molested. This is NOT it takes two to tango thing. you were innocent.
But I didn't have the courage to say no firmly.
Do you mean as a child? If so, you were blameless, chidren want to have their dads
(never knew mine)
love them, and are willing to do whatever it takes. He wouldn't have heard you anyway.
You were powerless as a child.
You are not powerless now.
You have a choice. I hope you will choose "life"---that means verbally or in a letter (I wouldn't make it long or complicated);
basically: What you are doing is wrong. If it happens again, I will----fill in the blanks
But it is time I did it.
Courage, dear new little friend...Love n hugs,
AllyI suspect under that gentleness, there must be such anger and rage at the person who was supposed to love and protect you----exploited you.
poster:allisonross
thread:577289
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577713.html