Posted by orchid on November 10, 2005, at 19:20:21
In reply to Re: I was clearly abused » orchid, posted by Jen Star on November 10, 2005, at 18:23:02
Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
The strange thing is, my mother does know. It is a little weird arrangement we always had in my house. I never had a separate bedroom growing up. We always used to sleep in the same room. It isn't that uncommon here. And he hugs me etc even right in front of her, and she doesn't object. That is why I am pretty sure he doesn't realize what he is doing is wrong and could lead to problems for me.
And I do know my father. He has some issues, but he is a very good person at heart. And he knowingly wouldn't have caused me any problem.
I keep thinking I got confused and it was my mistake. But my second T said it is abuse. On one hand, I was aware of it beign not so proper. And on the other hand, there was nothing sexual, so I couldn't say a clear no to it so far.
Even now, I think he doesn't really realize it as being inappropriate. But it led me to so much of confusion about my role, my sexuality and my identity etc. I keep longing for people who are not available to me, and have difficulty in accepting myself and my feelings.
And now I have a choice to leave anyday. Nobody is holding me here. But I love my parents very much. In fact, I think I might have some kind of dependancy issues with my dad. I even think I cannot live without him in this world. Another hard part to admit is, I like his touching. I don't like him hugging me too closely etc, but I like to hold hands etc. But sometimes even he hugs me very closely I feel quite nice and comfortable. I am so used to it. It is a shameful thing to admit, but I guess lot of people who get abused by their parents start liking it. In mycase, I didn't realize it was even inappropriate for a long time. Actually I did realize it many times it was not appropriate, but I didn't realize the extent of it. It was shameful and comfortable at the same time.
But maybe it is time to put a full stop to it. I am gonig to confront my father if he does it again. I already told him once or twice, but maybe I should say it more firmly.
poster:orchid
thread:577289
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577557.html