Posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 22:19:23
I went to therapy today and tried to explain my feelings to him about last week. He agreed that while the focus of the session became my 'block', that I was making it sound as if he were some sort of voyeur or something. I explained that I needed to feel cared about, and that I left feeling more 'twisted up' inside than when I came. He said that often, since 'scabs are being picked' there is (this is a quote) all the pus underneath that comes to the surface.
He said I am trying to 'prove' that I have a case to distrust him, and that he expected that. I said I felt like he was trying to prove that I was trying to prove that I had this case against him.
I brought up what happened to me many years ago in therapy which added to all of this: I was in therapy with a man that claimed to be in love with me. I was in my early 20's and I believed that somehow the relationship was as spiritually sanctioned as the therapist made it out to be. Although we never actually had sex he clearly expressed sexual desire, and talked about a time we might be together in the future. I was not attracted to him physically, but of course I was vulnerable to the 'love' and attention. After almost leaving his wife he realized I had been nothing but a grand projection, 'contaminated' (his wife's word) my therapy, and could never talk to me again.
Today my therapist asked me what part I played in that and I became quite angry. He then said that under the law, the therapist did nothing wrong. Maybe he would have received a bad conduct warning, but nothing threatened his license. He then went on to tell me, at my request, a time when it might be appropriate for a therapist to share his or her sexual fantasies with a client. He said it was perfectly appropriate for a therapist with a very attractive client to say 'I'm attracted to you, now what can we do to put that aside so that we can get to the real work'.
He reflected my response back to me as if it were highly distorted. I said his reaction was so much different than a female therapist I'd told about that original psychologist--I felt quite damaged from that (first) relationship and I was expressing today how the therapist never had any consequences from it. I also said it may indeed color my trust with a male therapist. I said his reaction was not 'protective ' of me, and he seemed to almost ridicule that. I was flustered and didn't know how exactly to articulate my response to his feedback.
He said I was coming up with reasons to 'blemish' him. I said I was trying to the best of my ability to be honest and forthcoming--that I'd come in and expressed a lot of pain and asked for help. I said I was trying to be honest today and felt like I almost got punished for it--another word he seemed baffled by.
He said quite frankly he didn't know what to do and asked me if I wanted to set up another session or not. I lack clarity around this because I feel so easily rejected and I project that everywhere--even in this situation I wanted him to give me another response rather than that one. I said I felt like he was saying my reactions are so distorted, and I am having such a problem that this might not work--which made me feel terrible, (but I didn't say that).
FYI-- He said he was trained in Transactional Analysis, Gestault therapy, some other things and IPTSD (??) --some short term thing where each session is on video.
I am so frigging confused, here really. He said almost dramatically--"I'll tell you one thing--I expected this to happen". I asked him if he thought any person could just drop in and after a few sessions be immediately comfortable discussing all intimate details and he said no. I said I didn't want to be coddled--because I don't. But I was trying to say I need a connection, and to feel cared about. He brought up that he inquired into a job contact for me, and said he doesn't do that for all his patients. I said that I had considered and appreciated that, and put in 'evidence' for the other side.
I said no matter what my 'part' in the relationship was with that other psychologist, I was young and he was in a position of power and I felt my trust was violated. He said he was *not* condoning the guys behavior and that I was just interpreting it that way. He said I tend to stay in relationships that aren't good for me--why did I stay in that one, he wanted to know.
I want to know--is this another one of those relationships--or am I working something out about them? I really don't trust something about him, but after talking to him I don't trust myself enough to trust my distrust. I don't want to blow an opportunity. At the same time I want to feel somehow seen or understood and it seems like there is a great big hunk missing here--or else I have a huge blind spot and am missing something right in front of me.
Can anyone see it?This makes me think maybe I was the one creating all the havoc in my last relationship--it seems to validate the males in my life telling me I 'over-react' to things. I'm feeling confused and afraid.
Sigh. Thanks.
poster:kara lynne
thread:260848
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/260848.html