Posted by kara lynne on September 17, 2003, at 12:38:15
In reply to Re: I am really so very confused. (long) » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 17, 2003, at 9:35:23
-. He said that he thought I should leave-
Ahh. The magic sentence. As soon as you said it I thought, 'That's what I need'. You know another stupid thing playing in the back of my mind is that he gave me a job lead--at a place he patrons. So I would a) maybe get the job (which I HOPE I do by the way) and b) have to see him there. But I don't have to stay in therapy with him because of a job lead, do I?
I don't think I have to leave therapy feeling bad about myself each time and having to wonder if it's my fault. That doesn't seem right. Again, it is so hard for exactly the reasons you describe--you're in there to question yourself to begin with. And although I don't want to be coddled I do think I can feel more validated (???).
I think there are other things to work on in therapy besides whatever this dynamic is between me and him--but then I do of course start to pick away at myself with the fear that maybe he is right.
I really don't get what he said about the other therapist. Really truly. I would love to tell the story to a 'panel of experts', male and female, and get their opinions. I have a box of loveletters from that psychologist to this day sitting in my closet. He asked yesterday if I was flattered. When I first mentioned it I think I had said of course I was, but the fact that he focuses there kind of --makes me want to--- hit him. He got all agitated when I told him, trying to 'get' me to admit that I'd felt flattered. That's no big mystery to me--of *course* I felt flattered. What was so pathetic was that I had so little sense of self worth and empowerment that I had to get it from a relationship that would be so damaging to me--and I stayed in it for *years*. So I pick daddy again, or whatever. No sh*t, Sherlock. Do we focus on that in this situation, or that daddy didn't do his job well here either?
I said yesterday that this guy said, when I first came into therapy, "I will be the first male in your life not to sexualize the relationship. I'm going to love you until you love yourself. etc. etc. etc." He was my hero.
This was my therapist's reply: "He didn't sexualize the relationship."
HOW CAN HE SAY THAT????? HOW IS TELLING ME HIS SEXUAL DREAMS ABOUT ME NOT SEXUALIZING THE RELATIONSHIP? Could he really be that obtuse? Or is he just doing a semantic power trip? I know we never had sex. That's all he'll say in return. Here is the final irony--and I won't blame anyone for never speaking to me again once I divulge this:
Before this shrink I had gone to another. I saw him, I don't know, six times or so. I thought I was in love with him. Well guess what? We stopped the therapeutic relationship and were together for a year. (This may explain why I haven't tried to be in therapy with a man for about 13 years.) Although he clearly breached the law I feel less conflicted about that relationship than I do with this other one, who I saw directly after. I went to him and told him about the first relationship and the depression I couldn't get out of. I met shrink 2 at a conference that I went to with shrink 1 for Transpersonal Psychology, where you meet all these different practitioners and get a feel for what kind of work they do.
Ok, it gets sicker and sicker, I know. But that's the end of it. I still don't see how he could say that that guy didn't sexualize the relationship.
By the way I did go into therapy with a woman after that.
Oh, and one final note: This guy said yesterday that he's also a sex therapist.
Oy vey.
poster:kara lynne
thread:260848
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/261011.html