![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8 to 32 of 32. Go back in thread:
Posted by frida on September 9, 2006, at 11:56:52
In reply to bye to counsellor ***SI trig, posted by ElaineM on September 8, 2006, at 22:13:46
I am really sorry :-( I would feel pretty hopeless too.
Is there any way you can get in touch with your LadyT that you went to in the past? Maybe she can't see you as a patient but she could help you find someone trustworthy..and maybe she could help you herself...if she knew what's going on..
I am so sorry...there are good T's out there, there must be some way for you to find one. I know how hard this has been for you and I'm truly sorry.
:-( Please know that you are not alone
We can all think about something together?
Frida
Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 16:25:47
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig, posted by sunnydays on September 8, 2006, at 22:23:07
Thanks Sunny. I'm going to try and reply to posts as much as I can -- though it may be slow. I'm trying not to think of yesterday too much :-(
Yes, she said that it was "Okay" if I didn't think I could call - or even if it wasn't right away. She said to just be aware of warning signs incase things progress to a serious level. (I forget her exact words) She said I'll always have the numbers available if I want them. But it's too much now.
The weird thing about talking is that it can feel good in the moment, when I'm just blurting with relief, so eager for someone to hear me -- but then when I'm alone after and remembering everything I said, and how casually I said it (in a way) and how unguarded I was, it only ends up freaking me out. It's been so hard because I've ended up revealing all these things (and more) only to never see the person again - 3 times. It feels like someone saving you from drowning, only to throw you back in once you've just caught your breath.
Yesterday didn't happen.
You're a really kind person for listening even when things don't work out. Though I really don't know what I want anymore. I don't think I ever did:-(
((((((sunnydays))))))
blove, EL
Posted by sunnydays on September 9, 2006, at 17:04:11
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor » sunnydays, posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 16:25:47
Yeah, I know the feeling of "Why did I say all that? How can it possibly be okay?" But my T just tells me he can handle it, and that talking to him is a safe place to talk about my feelings and my experiences. Most T's are like that, and I bet the cc you saw is too, even if she was pretty unhelpful. I'm sure she doesn't think anything bad of you.
And if pretending yesterday never happened gets you through the hours and minutes, that's okay, although it would be good if eventually (and it can take a long time) you can get to the point where you realize how brave you were to tell her all that.
(((Elaine))))
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 17:05:37
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig, posted by caraher on September 8, 2006, at 23:20:58
>>>It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into believing everything is OK because you're afraid. Denying the situation is unhealthy helps you feel safe.
It might really be OK though. I'm not sure what I think of everything. I sometimes think that I just get caught up in the momentum of something without knowing why, or if I want to be doing it. Because, in my head today, I'm not sure exactly what I think or feel.
I even think that after the scaredness completely fades away I might know what I really feel. For real. T says that the blank feeling I get is only a blanket for other things I'm too afraid to feel. So I might not even know I'm having other feelings underneath. I still kinda think that the blankness is just a plain old mental brain-freeze. But he says that people don't feel ONLY fear and sadness. So I need to figure out how to recognize the love and happiness feelings in me. And he doesn't mean for him -- he means for everything.
>>>> He's the only one who can understand me.
>
>But does he? It seems to me that he often misunderstands youHe just doesn't want me to suffer more than I have to. ((((T)))) And he gives me his doctor friend so I can have a physician. He helps me do things. And he would never leave me like this. Really though, if I hadn't made him look so poorly, if you met him in real life, you would probably like him. And he's really smart. He thinks I'm smart too (under all my craziness). And we help each other.
>>>But if you allow yourself some rest, you might be able to continue your hard work.
Yes, I'm going to rest now. I'm just going to see what happens. The scariness of his confession has been wearing off since that week. And I'm not so bad at adjusting to change -- that is what I'm working on. I just need to practice. Everything is more okay than I thought, because now the worrying is over. I really almost forget yesterday. I think worrying about being infront of new people was making me worse. It made SI worse.
((((((caraher)))))) you are lovely. I am not afraid of you, and I'm grateful that you speak to me.
blove EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 19:02:06
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig, posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 0:12:11
I am exhausted -- in all ways. I'm still dealing with all the other stuff I had going on too. I've been off the antibiotics for something like three weeks and the two upper-teeth are starting to flare up again. And I can't be my dentist's guinea pig for these ones cause uppers are too complicated. He is still waiting to schedule the second round of endo on BOTH of the ones I had done already. He's finally admitting that both he and the endodontist didn't get the job done. Though he did say it's because my teeth happen to be one of the rare cases where mini off-shoot canals run underneath. I'm just hoping to g*d that they both will re-open them for free. These next two teeth will cost $1500 each. And that's WITHOUT the crowns on any of them.....enough blabbing about dental cr@p....I'm trying to be with that pain too. I have an appointment next week, and will probably start more pills on Monday.
CC had to find the "appropriate" T because of cost. I need a certain kind that way, cause I don't have money for others. And also, female T's aren't as available as males here. I do think CC was nice though -- at least she looked, she tried. She didn't have to do even that much. And she looked like a grown-up pixie. ((((CC))))
Yes Dinah, I hope she was a little too negative, cause I worry that no other T will want to be near me because of this. That they will never want to show too much support, or give me a regular hug. That they will be cold and uncaring and overly rigid. LadyT only gave me a small hug a handful of times, but it meant so much. It was always so comforting. (It was always appropriate and normal though) But I worry I will be as alienated from future T's (because of the history I will bring), as I am from the rest of the world. And then there will be no comfort anywhere :(
But I don't need to worry about that because I'm taking a rest from thinking of a new T. I am not afraid of being left in this situation anymore. I am going with the flow. I am ok. I will wear pink shoes. ((((LL))))
Thank you both for helping me when real-life people don't, and for being nice even though I SI'd.
blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 19:48:10
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 9, 2006, at 0:56:20
>>>>thank you so much for letting us know how it went. That must have been a difficult post for you to write.
Honestly, most of the time I post I'm in a panic. I blurt alot, and worry about it later. But mostly I just wish I had something nice to tell you all, at least once. I don't want to be difficult and make you guys push me away.
>>>>>Nobodys perfect, we just goto push ahead ( and take breaks when we need to),and try and do the best we can.
I would never think you were bad. I would never hate you. When I hear of all the stuff you've made it beyond, it makes me think how much perseverance you have and how strong, and how honest you are. Why is it so hard to think the same way about ourselves? It is too hard to be nice to ourselves -- or at least for me. I don't think I'll ever NOT hate myself more than anyone. More than even the ones who have hurt me.
>>>>Depends on what it is your getting out of your SI, as to what seems to work best.
Could be your looking to calm yourself, or punish yourself, or bring yourself back if you drifting away, or to prove to yourself that you tough enough, or to let the bad out, or to externally express your internal pain. There's lotsa reasons.Yes, I do it when I hate myself too much, when I think I should be punished. I do it when no one else is around to hit me themself. I'm screwed up that way -- I like hurting. A few times it has been when my nerves were going crazy -- where I feel so anxious I might burst. So I do something else instead. Though there are times when I don't know why I've done it. The first time I ever did it was during a hospital stay, being re-fed. But that's the only time I didn't notice I was doing it. And that was the worst time. I got in alot of trouble for that one - flurry of docs/pdocs/ladyT. And it took forever for the scars to go away.
I am focusing on not SI now, while I'm being calm and on a break. I'm NOT going to do the same thing again. I'm not getting used to new ways of it. So right now I just have to make sure to not do it this new way again. ANd that's all I'm caring about. All that matters. And all that's left from the sadness of yesterday. Focusing on one thing is not as tiring.
>>>>We don't mind your posts at all.
For me, it makes me stonger to try and help others.Muffly, I love you. It makes *me* stronger to witness others offering help (not just to me, but in general). For real. Other than groups in the hospital I've never seen people give a d@mn about anyone but themself. I still sometimes find it overwhelming to see people care about each other here.
And I admire you right back.
((((muffled))))
blove, EL
Posted by sunnydays on September 9, 2006, at 19:53:28
In reply to Lurp and Dinah, posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 19:02:06
Just so you know, Elaine, a LOT of T's won't hug anyone at all for any reason, so if you find a T that hugs, it's not you at all, it's their own ethical policies.
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 20:21:08
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig » ElaineM, posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 1:03:24
...yes, unfairness and it's corrosiveness. You sound like you've definately had your share. I really don't know how you managed to try again. How, when it is so hard? The times when I've needed help the most nobody was there. The anorexia was a terribly hard one to get help with. An ER doc tricked me into volunteering for a psych assessment with one of their pdocs, which I showed up for. And after it was all over he said, Yes you definately need help and need to be seeing someone but I don't take on anorexics.
He didn't say anything as horrible as the D-word though. That probably would've sent me over the edge. You have been through so much. ~~~~safe empthy vibes~~~~ (instead of hugs) It is hard enough to decide you want help. But to ask for it and not get it is almost embarassing. No it IS embarassing. It made me feel like a weak, cry-baby jerk for asking.
Actually, the description of one the numbers said the word "feminist" in it. But I wasn't sure what that meant. Like, what is the difference.
Thanks for saying I do deserve comfort. It is frustrating when the only thing I've found comforting is a scale dipping lower. And that's not likely right now :( I would like very much for a little sunshine.
blove, EL
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 20:25:31
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig » muffled, posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 19:48:10
> >>>>thank you so much for letting us know how it went. That must have been a difficult post for you to write.
>
> Honestly, most of the time I post I'm in a panic. I blurt alot, and worry about it later. But mostly I just wish I had something nice to tell you all, at least once. I don't want to be difficult and make you guys push me away.
>
>So, uh, Elaine? Do you hate me? Want to run away from me? Think I'm pathetic and negative and not contributing anything to this board? Utterly worthless and selfish and loathsome?
During a really awful period of my life about two years ago, I was posting LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG ravings about how hopeless my life was, entirely negative, deflecting any advice anyone gave me -- in my defense about that, it wasn't that I didn't think it was good advice, so much as not possible in my situation -- and generally feeling as though I was a huge black hole sucking all the energy out of the world around me. Including Babble. During that time, I doubt I even read other people's posts, let alone responded to them.
And I felt all those things I wrote above.
So, if you think I'm accepted here on Babble as a full member, with all the priviledges anyone else has, then guess what? You are too. You are whether you have anything nice to tell us or not.
Do we want to hear good news from you? Of course -- but it's because we care what happens to you. It's not because we're sick of you, it's only that we wish we could wave magic wands to fix it all for you.
Peace, Elaine. You're welcome and accepted here, regardless of what your internal critic tells you.
Posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 21:12:02
In reply to Re: bye to counsellor ***SI trig » ElaineM, posted by frida on September 9, 2006, at 11:56:52
frida, it's nice to hear from you again. I do feel a bit less alone when I'm here. At least while my computer's on.
I think about LadyT alot. She does keep occassional contact with me. I spoke to her in the winter when I got really sick with my medical illness for the first time. And I'd just lost a fifth family member in 1.5 years. I was desperate and emailed her out of the blue, after well over a year apart. She thought I sounded suicidal and had me come see her in person. [I didn't know that until I showed up in her office though] ((((((ladyT)))))) I talked her out of having me escorted to an ER. But since then she has kept in touch with me every now and then - or answered my rare "Are you still out there?" emails. Her emails are always short and sweet. Not too personal. There's only been a few. She told me the "rules" from the first email contact. But she knows how important she was in my life, how much she changed my view of people. She knew that it was very important for me to believe in the constancy of relationships. Know that just because I can't see people doesn't mean they are dead. And that even when people in my life die, doesn't mean that caring about them has to stop. (When we stopped, she was trying to help me be able to keep good memories, so my comforting relationships would not disappear along with memories of the bad ones) So she talks to me still sometimes.
Almost all of the time she asks if I'm still seeing T. She's afraid I'm hiding the fact that I dropped out of treatment from her. I feel terrible. She was the one who thought a male T would be what I needed to start to work on my fear of men. (It's 99.9% female in ed programs, and that's where I've lived alot of my twenties, so I wasn't getting any exposure there) And she picked this T. She convinced me to push past my fear and show up there. =:::( I know it would break her to hear anything bad about him.
If I said ANYTHING to her, she would know who I was talking about even if I didn't come out and say a name. And then she would have the right (the duty) to report him. And he might get in trouble. Or would... and he told me how catastrophic is would be for him to get in trouble - it would ruin his life. And in the grand scheme of things, his life is better than mine. I care about LadyT too much. And I care about him too much. or maybe love.
A few days ago, I was buzzed and almost emailed her. I'm sooooo relieved and lucky that I didn't. I'm glad that I posted here like a jerk instead. It would've been a disaster. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I told her the wrong things. Though I would love more than anything to see her again. Maybe I should plan out another "keeping in touch" email. I've been thinking of her and doc alot.........if only I was small again.
I know that good T's exist -- from reading posts here, and having known my old T. Sometimes it makes it hard to read posts about good t's -- cause I feel bad for myself (egocentric self-pity, blech!) -- but mostly I'm glad for others. And I try and use that to stay hopeful of future t's (if there will be any). It is still hard though.
Frida, you're very kind for offering support. I don't like the idea of being alone. Thank you.
blove, EL
Posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 22:03:50
In reply to Lurp and Dinah, posted by ElaineM on September 9, 2006, at 19:02:06
Hey Elaine,
I just read your post, and --believe it or not--
I see some rays of sunshine there!For one thing, the teeth that are not quite better are still "under warranty" from your dentist/endodontist. Lucky you.
Secondly, you say that the crisis counsellor looks like an adult pixie. That's wonderful. I'm glad that she's a positive figure in your life right now. I hope that she is able to pull some strings for you. I just got 7 inches of hair chopped off. I look like an adult pixie-slash-overweight-supermodel.
*grin* I'm glad that you're being realistic about the situation, instead of dire. That is great to hear. I know it's tough, but I think she's on your side. IRL. And we're on your side here in babble land (((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))).
And! you're still wearing your pink shoes. They are great to wear to bed, you know? they don't pick up any dirt on the bottom, and they are soft and stretchy like socks. Keeps your feet cool too.and now, if you want to go to rest, that's okay good night, sweetie. :)
If you keep reading, you'll get to hear about my lovely dental agonies. you're warned, okay?**********
I had my two front (top) teeth broken off in an accident when I was about eight years old. Trouble ever since...middle school, and of course, the week of the senior class pictures in high school. My TWO FRONT TEETH- the basis of my smile- my only way of coping with delicate social situations, besides avoidance. My only feature that makes my face look attractive.I've survived a 5? 6? hour root canal, the last 2 hours of which were not under analgesia, having maxxed out the number of novocaine shots they could safely give me. Apparently my roots are all f*cked up because of the trauma when I was a kid.
The last 2 times I've had my 2 front teeth redone, I've had to pay out of pocket. The last time was 3 years ago, when I had no dental insurance and needed oral surgery. yay. I asked the oral surgeon for a student discount, told him I would pay cash, and asked him to save my crowns at all costs (you know what that cost is, don't you? they go through the other end. It's stitches and opiates. yep) Granulation tissue. oh yeah. I know all of it.
And then only 6 months later, I thought I was home free, and I got whacked in the face with a large blunt object. my teeth (crowns) actually cut a hole through the area below my lip. I had a freakin' hole in my face, and 2 whacked up front teeth that had had survived 2 severe blows to the face, 3 infections/absesses, 2 root canals each, and 2 crowns each. Oh yes. I know.
Never have been very good to me. I get the slightest bit of a cold, and they ache and ache. The sinus comes really close to the roots on the x-ray. When I'm anxious, I clench my jaw, and these poor crowns get a lot of pressure. Hurts for days afterwards. My gums get puffy and inflamed. probably getting more granulation tissue from the injury with the hole in my face. My smile is a ticking time bomb.
At least I know that I will never EVER take them for granted. I can smile today, and I will. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. So what if the color's a bit off? So what if they're not perfectly straight? So what if they throb occasionally? They are part of me, for better and for worse.
i don't know why I just told you all of that stuff. It might make you feel even worse. Well, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I can't tell my friends this stuff. I don't want them to look at me and think about my fake front teeth every single time I smile. I dont' have anyone to share this pain with either.
Anyways, now it's time for both of us to get some rest . whew!
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 12:48:02
In reply to Re: Lurp and Dinah **trigger injury violence**, posted by llrrrpp on September 9, 2006, at 22:03:50
I SI'd again last night -- the regular way though. Not so bad, but upsetting I guess. I don't know. It's probably just going to be a regular thing again. Whatever.
>>>>For one thing, the teeth that are not quite better are still "under warranty" from your dentist/endodontist.
I hope so. I don't know yet. But they just HAVE to be. If not then I may as well have set $3000 on fire and watched it burn.
>>>>>I'm glad that she's a positive figure in your life right now. I hope that she is able to pull some strings for you.
Ya, she's not part of my life anymore, except in memory. What else is there to do except let it be a good one, even if I have to convince myself a little. There's no real choice but to remember her fondly -- infuse a little more caring in her actions when I recall them, even if it wasn't so much there in person. Maybe I will hear from her again, who knows. I'm not allowed to stay in contact with her though, or meet with her ever again....That's OK, I bet I wouldn't have even shown up for a third time anyways :(
7 inches! That's a phobia of mine. You're a brave woman. I will probably end up seeing you in my head now as CC looked :)
>>>>>i don't know why I just told you all of that stuff. It might make you feel even worse. Well, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Nope, not worse. But holy cr@p!! Ya, I guess you would understand the dental stuff! It's such a specific kind of pain. I had a smaller similar version when he felt uncomfortable giving me more injections and by the time he was getting to the end, I told him (slurred, and bathed in saliva) that "I can feel it". And he was like, "No I don't think so. You couldn't be". I was lucky it was near the end. It was more upsetting that, yet again, another medical professional was disbelieving me.
How do you stop them from throbbing? OTC stuff does nothing -- they are like tictacs. Sometimes when I'm desperate I take the T3's (which aren't prescribed for my teeth) but they usually only mess with my balance. BLAH!!
Always share any of your pain (when you want). You do not have to be the strong one all of the time. I am specifically good with the dental stuff, if nothing else ;-) ((((LL)))))
another day.....*sigh*
blove, EL
Posted by llrrrpp on September 10, 2006, at 14:31:42
In reply to Lurp, posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 12:48:02
hi Elaine,
Well if the throbbing is from infection or abcess, I think painkillers are the way to go, and antibiotics, when you get them.I found that either hot or cold compresses help. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. Depends. sometimes I swirl really cold water in my mouth. that helps too. Or hot herbal tea. (peppermint is wonderful)
Also, rinsing for one minute with a solution of hydrogen peroxide (the brown bottle stuff) and either water or mouthwash, which tastes MUCH better. Mix it half and half. This will get a bit bubbly on contact with infected parts. It will seriously CLEAN out any gum disease you have. When my gums start throbbing, this is what I do. My dentist said it works a lot better than prescription antibiotic mouthrinses, but that it's so cheap that the drug companies won't market it.
When my sinuses are causing the throbbing, I take pseudephedrine, but now that I'm on psych meds, I don't know if that's kosher anymore. hot tea, hot packs, cold packs. watching a movie. screaming. Anything, really.
feeling any better today? If you're up for it, you could try some gentle biofeedback/meditation on your pain: lie quietly and comfortably, or sit in a balanced posture. Whatever works for you.
do a survey of all of the muscles that connect to your neck and jaw. Hint: there are a lot of them. start at the crown of your head. Release any excess tension from the muscles in your brow, your eye sockets, your sinuses, your ears, your cheeks, your nose, your lips, your tongue, your throat. Now your head should feel a little better.
Next, think about your head as a ten pound bowlingball that is delicately balanced on the end of your spine. are you pulling on it in any one direction with your neck, shoulder, face, or back muscles? Can you relax those muscles? What happens to your pain?
Think about your head like it's a giant helium balloon that is so light that it is about to float off. It pulls your spine and neck gently to vertical, while your spine and neck muscles hold on to the tether with a delicate grip.
Are you breathing deeply, or shallowly? If you change your breath, what happens to your pain? Are you clenching your fists, your toes, your belly or your chest? What happens when you gently relax them. etc. you get the picture.
It's worth a shot, and it sounds like there's not much else to do on a sunday afternoon. Heck. I'm going to do some myself, cause I'm waiting for my laundry to dry.
b-love back to you :)
ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 19:50:03
In reply to Re: Lurp » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on September 10, 2006, at 14:31:42
lurp: I always mean to say how much your posts sound like guided imagery that EDstaff used to do. You are good at calling up that calming "voice". I do sometimes work on accepting that the physical pain is just always gonna be there, and not going to disappear through meds, or wishing, or other treatments. And I work on feeling it differently, rather than trying to not feel it at all. (i don't know if that makes sense, but...) I'm ok when going through a pretty good period, but nothing helps flare ups. I have an MRI again next week. T's coming. Pretty scared. I never realized how hard it is to stay perfectly still for half an hour, until I started doing these. And I've never ever been claustrophobic but that tube is crazy-making. I try to do the "focusing" stuff then.
****
Just talked to T and he said something upsetting. i'm so confused. I've been good ignoring the world this weekend, but it's getting late enough in the day to start being scared of Monday. i don't know what to do about this.... And this will be the first week that i haven't been a student ever (except for the years that i was in the hospital instead)......what am i going to do about this. he is good. he is so good. I don't need to worry. And i don't need to hurt myself again. i am ok. i am lucky to see him... But still....i get my prescription tomorrow so maybe this kind will kill my nerves. Why is this such a big deal....I emailed CC even though it's against policy, to make sure she still has my address. Just in case. or just to feel like I'm talking to her. Not because i'm scared. i don't know why......nervous nervous nervous....it is easiest to remember I'm alone on weekdays. why am i talking to myself :(
Posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 19:53:53
In reply to end of weekend anxiety, posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 19:50:03
You got us at babble. And you can talk bout anything you want to.
Its ok.
Anytime.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 20:32:49
In reply to You not all alone El...., posted by muffled on September 10, 2006, at 19:53:53
thanks muff. it is hard to stay focused on good stuff. this has been one of the hardest weekends.
sometimes i just completely block out that this board is archived and doesn't just disappear when it moves off the screen. I've been pretty good holding stuff back lately. i've been doing it on purpose and i'm proud but it's just hard though. cause the stuff i wouldn't want hanging around forever is the stuff that i feel like i want to tell someone. i guess everyone probably worries about this sorta thing.
....i'm gonna shower to see if it distracts me. i have to be good tonight...
Posted by llrrrpp on September 10, 2006, at 21:10:27
In reply to :-) » muffled, posted by ElaineM on September 10, 2006, at 20:32:49
Guided imagery, huh? Must come from being bored in class so often. Daydreaming. Maybe from my meditation classes? 'Cause I've never come close to doing anything like that therapeutically. Oh wait, my PT does some things like that, but it's usually like this: imagine your shoulder going this way and your elbow going this way. Try to maintain that direction as we ... (he never completes the sentence, because he has just pushed me off my balance and I suddenly find myself sitting down in this chair.) haha
Don't be too anxious. I'm glad that you've got a handle on the SI thing tonight. I think tonight's the night you're going to break the pattern. You sound like you're ready to leave that groove.
hmm. Sunday night. debating between my microbrew in the mini fridge or my lemon sorbet in the freezer.
kinda yucky & sticky from doing housework all day, so i'm going to start with the lemon sorbet.
sending you some too, my friends :)
[s]llrrrpp
Posted by ElaineM on September 11, 2006, at 16:39:29
In reply to Re: :-) **SI trigger** lemon sorbet trigger » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on September 10, 2006, at 21:10:27
My arm looks better today. It still hurts to bend but it's healing. I'm glad -- I don't like this one at all. Last night was good, and I'm proud:) And even though T did what he warned me he'd do today, I'm not crazy-anxious -- just sad and torn. I'm not even good with inconsequential decisions. Brain freeze. But he says that that's part of my pathology. That I use indecision to absolve myself from any responsibility for my existance. That I'm afraid to do what I should do, to feel happy - cause "happy" would connect me to the world of humans.
.......Does the end always justify the means?.....man, how vague is THAT?!......???
Posted by caraher on September 11, 2006, at 18:36:55
In reply to :-) X2, posted by ElaineM on September 11, 2006, at 16:39:29
So what means is he using? Vague, yes, but the broad outlines of what you meant are clear...
It's also worth noting that "the ends justify the means" I usually perceive as a statement meant to be false. Can unjust means truly further a just cause? Probably not!
Posted by ElaineM on September 11, 2006, at 22:16:52
In reply to Re: :-) X2, posted by caraher on September 11, 2006, at 18:36:55
>>> So what means is he using? Vague, yes, but the broad outlines of what you meant are clear...
Maybe not so clear. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so vague-sensational, I was aiming for more vague-"going through a bout of 'being discovered' anxiety."
>>> It's also worth noting that "the ends justify the means" I usually perceive as a statement meant to be false. Can unjust means truly further a just cause? Probably not!
Oh, it's definately not "unjust". He made a very kind and generous offer. He is giving me tuition so I can go back to ladyDoc. ((((((((LadyDoc))))))))) I miss her so much -- More than anything. She was like a Physician + T. And he wants me to get to be with her again. (((((T)))))-- he's so nice. I'm a jerk cause he has no idea that he'd be sending me back to someone I've spilled my guts to. I want to see her again. I want her helping me through my physical stuff. I want someone to talk to again. I want my "knower" back. But I also care for T. I just couldn't use his money that way -- use it to hurt him in a way. But CC is there too....I WANT MY HELPERS BACK! :( I want them and him at the same time.
....I'm not sure I can say Yes (even though I want to more than anything) cause I'd NEVER be able to pay him back....though he did say that it was a gift. But it hurts too much to say No. He mentioned this a little earlier in the summer and I said No then, and I thought my heart was going to break. But now I don't think I can stand it. School has started, and now I'm not part of that world (or any world really), and it's been so long since I've seen her, and I only trusted her to look after me medically and do procedures on me.....it's bad enough that I have to spend so much time with the dentists so near.....I miss her soooo much - I feel like an orphan.....But it's such a large, awkward amount of money - though he said it was nothing to him, financially. He's trying to take care of me and I'm so bad to him :( I wish I had someone else's brain so I could make up my mind. It's only one course.
Posted by muffled on September 11, 2006, at 22:34:09
In reply to :-) X2, posted by ElaineM on September 11, 2006, at 16:39:29
> My arm looks better today. It still hurts to bend but it's healing. I'm glad -- I don't like this one at all. Last night was good, and I'm proud:)
***Good for you!!!!
And even though T did what he warned me he'd do today, I'm not crazy-anxious -- just sad and torn.
***That is very cryptic, but its your choice what you say and thats fine by me.
I am sorry that you feel so sad and torn :-(
I hope your T isn't pressuring you to do something your not comfortable with :-(I'm not even good with inconsequential decisions. Brain freeze. But he says that that's part of my pathology. That I use indecision to absolve myself from any responsibility for my existance. That I'm afraid to do what I should do, to feel happy - cause "happy" would connect me to the world of humans.
***My T has said that Satan(or whatever your idea of evil is), satan loves to trick you by having little grains of truth in the things he puts before you. Those tiny grains of truth trick people into beleiving it IS the truth. But its not. Its more untrue than true. Its mostly lies.
So I'm NOT saying anyone is lying to you, I'm just saying be careful. This is where it is so valuable to have more than one irl person involved in your life. Cuz it often takes someone NOT enmeshed in the stuff, to recognize that the grains of truth, are ONLY that. Just grains, the bulk is untrue, and potentially harmful.
Again, I DON'T know the situ. So I can't really offer any opinion other than asking you to be real careful, and to also see if you can get some additional support irl.
I know you have been SO frustrated in trying, but don't give up.> .......Does the end always justify the means?.....man, how vague is THAT?!......???
***Yes that is vague. But thats ok.
Glad to see some smiles :-)
I just want you to be safe and happy is all El.
Please take special care.
I hope I'm not completely off the mark.
I just care is all.
I do.
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on September 12, 2006, at 17:13:11
In reply to Re: :-) X2, posted by muffled on September 11, 2006, at 22:34:09
Good things (for once!):
CC emailed me back, when I didn't expect her to be able to! She said that she was glad that I tried to speak up, and was "brave". And she mentioned more stuff about "keep looking". And then she had two paragraphs of lovely, T-like, support :) This is a good ending. I was too emotional on the actual day to register anything and so it felt really unfinished. I'm ok leaving her now. I don't even feel like I need her now.
AND I just sent away my form to register for a writing course! I hope there is still room.
:-) EL
Posted by MidnightBlue on September 12, 2006, at 22:34:41
In reply to good day, posted by ElaineM on September 12, 2006, at 17:13:11
Elaine,
So, does that mean you decided to accept the money from your T so you could go back to school? Not judging........just asking.
Take care,
Midnightblue
Posted by llrrrpp on September 13, 2006, at 7:02:18
In reply to Re: good day » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on September 12, 2006, at 22:34:41
Hi Elaine,
I'm so glad that your CC e-mailed you back. That's fantastic :o)Hold onto these little reminders. People care about you. You *can* *feel* *good* when people care about you in appropriate ways that feel safe.
(((Elaine)))
Here's hoping that you find a permanent T that will care in a way to make you feel safe, not scared.
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 13, 2006, at 17:46:03
In reply to Re: good day » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on September 12, 2006, at 22:34:41
I don't want to answer without explaining myself first, so I'll put the whole thing under Happy's thread at the bottom (eventually)
>>>Not judging........just asking.
I know :-) ((((MidnightBlue))))
& ((((lurp))))
EL
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.